by Gladys Diaz
My Misdiagnosed Psychic Abilities
Some of you may have already been able to tell this from our business photo, but my business partner, Michelle, and I are twin sisters. Over the years, we have shared the uncanny gift shared by many twins (we call it “The Twin Thing”), where we can feel what the other is feeling, or at least know when the other one needs us.
We bless each other before a sneeze, show up at places wearing the same or a very similar outfit, and, at times, have even purchased the same gift for one another. And, for me, “the clincher” was when I almost asked my late husband to take me to the Emergency Room because I was experiencing inexplicable abdominal pain, only to learn a few minutes later that my sister was in labor with her first child!
With all of these types of experiences growing up, I think that somewhere along the way I may have made up the story that I was psychic, because, if you asked me, I could tell you exactly what my husband was thinking or feeling and predict how he was going to respond when I told him something!
For years, I wasted countless hours arguing with my husband, trying to get him to tell me why he was upset, telling him I knew something was wrong with him and asking him why he was lying to me or not telling me about it. If he was quiet or sullen, I would sit there, trying to rewind to the past and figure out what it was that I had done or said to make him angry. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I wouldn’t even bother telling him about it because I already knew what he was going to say or think about it. Just thinking about all of the time I spent imagining, interpreting, and predicting everything my husband was saying or thinking is mentally exhausting!
Side Effects of Trying to ‘Communicate’
One side effect of my misdiagnosed clairvoyant abilities was trying to get my husband to talk, even when it was clear he didn’t want to. He would tell me nicely, time after time, that he just needed to be alone and that he didn’t want to talk. Because I knew that something was wrong with us, I would keep trying to explain to him that if our marriage was going to work he needed to be honest with me and tell me what was going on. After all, if our relationship was going to work, then we needed to communicate. When the communication card didn’t work, I would try to make him feel guilty for hurting my feelings by not telling me what he was feeling. And, if that didn’t work, I’d just keep nagging… and nagging… and nagging. Eventually, he would blow up, tell me to shut up (or something worse) and I would break down into a sobbing heap, telling him how mean he was (and never once owning the role I played in getting things to that point). This crazy cycle went on for years.
My Road to Recovery
Thankfully, as I began to realize just how controlling I’d been being in my relationship and began making changes within myself, I also began to realize that I wasn’t psychic and that there was no possible way I could know what my husband was thinking or feeling until he told me. I also realized that my husband was not a child. He didn’t need me to help him figure out what he was feeling, like my children sometimes do. I realized that he’s a really capable man who is trusted to problem-solve and make really important decisions for a multi-billion dollar company. He knows how to identify what’s wrong and come up with a solution. He doesn’t need me to do that for him.
So, I began to see that all of the worrying I was doing when he was sad or upset had very little to do with him. It had everything to do with me. I was afraid that something was wrong with us, so I would make it about us. And, because he wasn’t telling me what was going on, I made it mean that he didn’t trust or want to share things with me and that we had bad communication. The truth is, however, that it was his stuff, and he just needed the time and space to sort things out, figure out what to do, get over his upset, and/or just be left alone in his funk. I didn’t have to wrap myself in the funk or make his mood my mood. So, I began trust my husband to work through things on his own.
When he was withdrawn or sullen, I began giving him space. I’d ask him if everything was okay, and if he said it was or that he didn’t want to talk about it, I would just leave him alone for a while. During that time, because my control gears were freaking out, I would call my sister so that I could sort out my own feelings, or I would paint my nails, go for a walk, read a book, knit – basically anything that would keep me busy and focused on me so that he could sort through whatever it was he was going through himself.
What started to happen was amazing. Because I gave my husband the space he needed to think, calm down, or work through his problems, many times, his funky mood would end just as soon as it began. He would maybe get lost in a movie or video game for a while, and then come by and give me a hug or kiss without saying a word! And sometimes, he would apologize for being in a bad mood and, if he felt like it, he’d tell me what it was all about. But even if he didn’t tell me, it was okay, because I had my loving, funny, caring husband back much sooner than when I used to harp, nag, and beg him to tell me what was going on with him!
The Perfect Prescription
If you’re in a relationship and you, too, suffer from misdiagnosed psychic abilities, here are a few tips to help you get on the path to peace of mind (and relationship):
- When your guy is withdrawn, sullen, or unresponsive, let him be. Give him space to sort things out on his own. Don’t try to assume, predict, or interpret his feelings or behaviors. Just let him be.
- Put the focus back on you.If you’re having trouble leaving him alone, it’s probably because all of your energy is going toward trying to figure out what is happening over there. Instead, put the energy back on you by doing something that is relaxing and pleasurable. When all else fails, call a girlfriend!
- Trust that, if there’s something he needs or wants to tell you, he will. Remember that you fell in love with a capable man who, although he chooses to have you in his life, doesn’t need you to solve his problems. And that, if he does want your help, he’ll ask for it.
- Choose peace over control. The fact that he needs alone time does not mean he doesn’t love you. In fact, he may be doing all he can to shield you from his funky mood simply because he does love you. Let go of the need to control him or the situation.
By following these tips you are choosing peace and intimacy over the need to know, pry information out of him, or not honor his request to be left alone. All of these steps will lead to experiencing more peace in your relationship and will create an opportunity for love, tenderness, and intimacy to emerge.
And, in the end, isn’t that what our hearts truly desire?
To learn about more way you can stop trying to read his mind and start really connecting with your husband or boyfriend, consider joining us for the Relationship Group Coaching Calls for Girlfriends and Wives!
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