by Gladys Diaz
Do you know what’s kryptonite to relationships and a behavior a lot of women don’t even realize they have?
It’s one of the things that is most unattractive to men and will diminish the love and respect in a relationship faster than anything else.
It’s also one of the things we get asked about by women the most because, when they recognize it as a pattern, they immediately know they want to adjust.
Can you guess what it is?
We’re talking about control.
Being controlling isn’t just unattractive, it’s extremely ineffective in relationships. We want to support you in understanding what control looks like and how you can adjust your behavior so that you can have less control and a lot more love and respect in your relationship.
Trying to control my husband through constant criticism and correcting was something I didn’t even realize I was doing for a very long time. It’s also what almost led to us splitting up.
What I felt was me being supportive, encouraging, and helpful was actually diminishing, emasculating, and stripping away the love and intimacy in my marriage. But it was a blindspot for me. I just didn’t see how controlling I was being.
Since you can’t change a behavior you don’t know you have, what does control look and sound like?
The most common form control takes is through your communication.
You may think you’re simply “being honest” with your partner or sharing your feelings with someone you’re dating… But the words you choose you may be coming off as controlling.
Let’s say, for example, that you would really like to have more conversations on the phone with the man you’re dating…
Do you say, “You never call me like you used to.” or “Call me tomorrow at 5pm”?
If so, you are exhibiting control.
Because, in the first statement, you’re not saying what you want or how you feel. You’re complaining.
In the second statement, you’re telling him what to do and when to do it.
So, how can you say this instead?
Say, “I’d love to chat on the phone soon!” or “I would prefer to talk on the phone more often.”
These statements focus 100% on you and serve as a very appealing invitation to call you.
Let’s say you’d like to go away for the weekend with your partner.
Do you say, “We should go somewhere together this weekend?”
Yep, that’s controlling.
Instead, say, “I’d love to go away together.”
These simple adjustments in your communication are inspiring to a man and show love for him and respect for his desires and feelings, while at the same time expressing yours.
The reason control is kryptonite in a relationship is because when a man feels like he’s being controlled, he will do one of two things.
- He will dig his heels in and refuse to do the thing you’d like him to do.
- He will submit.
You don’t want either of those things!
You want a man to be inspired to be with you, to desire to make you happy, and to have fun, lightness and joy present in your relationship.
Wonder what causes that almost-immediate urge to tell him what to do and say?
The urge to control always stems from a fear that something is or isn’t going to happen.
So, how do you shift out of that fear and, instead, show your man that you respect him and see him as a strong man, capable of making good decisions, and trusting that he wants to make you happy?
Before you speak, ask yourself these three questions:
- What am I afraid will/will not happen if I don’t say this?
- How can I say what I want to say, focusing solely on what I’m feeling and want to express without bringing him or his actions into the statement.
- What emotion will I inspire in my partner by saying this?
It takes some conscious effort to interrupt that internal chatter that;s always going on in our heads and think about how the words we choose will land for our partners.
Shifting out of a pattern of control isn’t easy, but it is so worth it!
And as you practice, it becomes easier and easier to do.
If you’d like some support in shifting a pattern of control in your dating experiences or relationships, let us support you by booking a Love Breakthrough Session with one of our coaches. On this call, we’ll explore what some of your control triggers are, and give you some clear steps on what to do to shift from controlling to inspiring your man!
Like we said, many times, these controlling behaviors are things you may not even realize you have, and with some support to help you see them, you can completely transform them and create more love and intimacy in your relationship.
When a man feels respected, loved and connected to you, he will do just about anything to make you happy.
Choose your words wisely so you inspire that type of connection in your relationship!