{"id":1718,"date":"2013-01-08T17:15:52","date_gmt":"2013-01-08T22:15:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=1718"},"modified":"2013-01-08T17:15:52","modified_gmt":"2013-01-08T22:15:52","slug":"how-to-have-win-win-arguments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/how-to-have-win-win-arguments\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have Win-Win Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"lady-boxing<\/a><\/p>\n

Every couple argues. It\u2019s inevitable.\u00a0 You have two completely different human beings \u2013 with all of their past, fears, ideas, and opinions \u2013 coming together to try to form one life.\u00a0 Because we don\u2019t stop being who we are when we become part of a couple, it just stands to reason that from time to time you and your honey will not <\/i>being seeing eye-to-eye.\u00a0 Creating a wonderful relationship is NOT about perfection. It\u2019s about learning how to deal with both your own and his imperfections in a way that honors and respects who you both are \u2013 for yourselves and one another.<\/p>\n

If arguments are inevitable, does that mean it\u2019s okay to have full-blown fights? Well, I suppose some might say it\u2019s \u201cokay,\u201d but I will also say that nothing can chip away at the intimacy in a relationship more than constant fighting.<\/p>\n

Aside from the fact that there is usually a lot of disrespect involved, it\u2019s also true that constantly bickering and arguing with someone is exhausting \u2013 even for those who are addicted to drama.\u00a0 It just takes so much out of you when you constantly feel like you need to be on your guard, defending yourself and your point of view from the person who supposedly loves you.<\/p>\n

One time, at one of our workshops, my husband was speaking to the ladies, answering their questions about men, love, and relationships, and someone asked him what men want most.\u00a0 His answers surprised all of us (myself included).\u00a0 He said that what men want more than anything is peace<\/i><\/b>.\u00a0 He went on to explain how, before I started practicing the skills I now teach, all he wanted was peace.\u00a0 This is why he would either shut down and give me the silent treatment, or blow up and yell at me when I simply would not stop nagging and yelling at him, because he knew that I would end up crying, leaving the room, and then he would finally have the peace he\u2019d been asking for the twenty times he had told me, \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about this right now!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

This is why I tell my clients that it\u2019s not that men don\u2019t know how to deal with women\u2019s emotions.\u00a0 It\u2019s simply that they don\u2019t like the drama.\u00a0 Even if they love a woman, if there is constant nagging, bickering, and drama, they will tend to withdraw \u2013 either physically, emotionally, or both.<\/p>\n

So, if disagreeing is a normal part of being in a relationship, but constant arguing chips away at the intimacy, how can we disagree without letting things get out of hand?\u00a0 Well, one thing we can do is to stop the fight before it even begins.\u00a0 There are basic ways we can do that:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Disengage:<\/b> Rather than jumping into the knee-jerk reaction you have when he says or does something that \u201ctriggers\u201d you, choose <\/i><\/b>not to engage in the argument or conversation.\u00a0 Basically, you want to RSVP \u201cNo\u201d<\/i> to the invitation to engage in a familiar argument or a conversation that usually leads to one. The easiest way to do this is by leaving the room and going to do something that makes you feel peaceful and relaxed.<\/li>\n
  2. Remain quiet\u2026 for now<\/em>: <\/b>Usually, when we are triggered is not <\/i>the best time to try to have a calm, logical conversation that is going to lead to a solution.\u00a0 So, until you can calmly say what you are thinking and feeling, it\u2019s best to not say anything at all.<\/li>\n
  3. Deal with the real <\/i>issue: <\/b>Sometimes, it can feel as if everything our guy is doing is getting on our last nerve.\u00a0 Things that we can usually ignore or let slide set us off, and we end up criticizing or lecturing him. Many times, this happens when we\u2019re upset or worried about something else, because it\u2019s easier to see someone else\u2019s faults and \u201cfix\u201d their problems than it is to deal with our own.\u00a0 So, before you start complaining, make sure you are clear about what you are really <\/i>upset about.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Now, does all of this mean that you just ignore your feelings, keep everything bottled in, and pretend that you\u2019re not upset when you are?\u00a0 Absolutely not! It\u2019s important to be able to express how you are feeling, what you want and what you don\u2019t want. However, there are ways of expressing your feelings and desires in a way that is clear and allows you to have the experience of being heard<\/i>.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Sort yourself out with someone other<\/span> than him.\u00a0 <\/b>Share and vent your feelings with a friend \u2013 someone you trust and who is standing for the success of your relationship.\u00a0 It helps if this person is happily married, as she will probably give you some good advice.<\/li>\n
    2. Focus on what you are actually feeling<\/span>.<\/b> Rather than complaining about what he\u2019s doing\/not doing or saying\/not saying, focus on how you are feeling.\u00a0 These words are usually used to name emotions.\u00a0 For example, saying \u201cI\u2019m disappointed that I won\u2019t be able to visit my family for the holidays\u201d <\/i>is much more effective <\/i><\/b>than saying, \u201cIf you would have done a better job of saving money, rather than spending it all on fixing up your car, we could have been able to afford the tickets to go visit my family.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i>See the difference?<\/li>\n
    3. Share your feelings in a manner that is calm<\/span> and clear<\/span>.<\/b> The more calmly and clearly you express what you are feeling, the easier it will be for him to actually hear <\/i>what you are saying.\u00a0 Doing the first two steps \u2013 talking things through with someone else and focusing on what you<\/i> are feeling (rather than on what he did) will help you do this.\u00a0 The more calm and clear you are, the less he is going to feel like he needs to defend himself.\u00a0 This also comes across as more vulnerable, which usually sparks the man\u2019s natural desire to protect and try to please you.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Comments? Questions? Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

      Image courtesy of photstock<\/a> via FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      by Gladys Diaz Every couple argues. It\u2019s inevitable.\u00a0 You have two completely different human beings \u2013 with all of their past, fears, ideas, and opinions \u2013 coming together to try to form one life.\u00a0 Because we don\u2019t stop being who we are when we become part of a couple, it just stands to reason that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9,13,16,17,22,23],"tags":[34,42,47,50,63,68,70,87,90,105],"class_list":["post-1718","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hdi-blog","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-arguments","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-empowerment","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-romance-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1718"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1718"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1718"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1718"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}