{"id":2146,"date":"2013-03-25T16:47:25","date_gmt":"2013-03-25T21:47:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2146"},"modified":"2013-03-25T16:47:25","modified_gmt":"2013-03-25T21:47:25","slug":"how-to-let-him-know-youre-feeling-hurt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/how-to-let-him-know-youre-feeling-hurt\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Let Him Know You’re Feeling Hurt"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"couple<\/a><\/p>\n

Even if the man you\u2019re dating, committed, or married to is the most wonderful man in \u00a0the world, chances are that at some point he\u2019ll say or do \u2013 or not <\/i>say or do \u2013 something that leaves you feeling hurt.\u00a0 Many times, when we\u2019re hurt, the initial response is to strike back.\u00a0 However, if what we want is to create intimacy in our relationships, it helps choose how we will respond when our feelings have been hurt.<\/p>\n

Perhaps what has you feeling hurt is something the man you are dating or in a relationship with didn\u2019t <\/i>do.\u00a0 Maybe he didn\u2019t invite you to go the company holiday party.\u00a0 Maybe he didn\u2019t call when he said he would.\u00a0 Or perhaps you feel that he didn\u2019t say, do, or wear the right thing when he attended the family wedding with you.<\/p>\n

Many times, that feeling of hurt is a result of an unmet expectation<\/i>.\u00a0 There was a certain way you expected him to be, something you expected him to do or say and he didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Unfortunately, as the saying goes, \u201cExpectations are the recipe for disappointment.\u201d\u00a0 If you think about it \u2013 really <\/i>think about it \u2013 what has you disappointed is not <\/i><\/b>so much what he didn\u2019t do, it\u2019s that he didn\u2019t do what you expected <\/i>him to do.<\/p>\n

Maybe what has you feeling hurt is something he said.\u00a0 Perhaps he made a joke at your expense, was critical of something you said or did, or spoke to you in a harsh tone. It\u2019s a very natural reaction to want to say something that hurts at least as much as what he said in return, or, at the very least, to demand that he apologize for what he just said.<\/p>\n

Or, what if what has you feeling hurt is the fact that he\u2019s no longer making an effort to see or call you the way he did.\u00a0 Or, if he\u2019s your boyfriend or husband, you may feel like he\u2019s spending a lot of time at work, with his buddies, or immersed in a hobby, leaving very little time for the two of you to spend together.<\/p>\n

Any one of these situations could leave a woman feeling hurt.\u00a0 The question is, how can we express how we are feeling when we are hurt in a way that nurtures, rather than breaks down, the intimacy in the relationship?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1. Check your expectations at the door. <\/i><\/b>If the reason you are hurt is due to something he didn\u2019t <\/i>do or say, it may very well be that you are dealing with an unmet expectation.\u00a0 Rather than tell him, \u201cI felt hurt when you didn\u2019t invite me to the company party\u201d <\/i>or \u201cI was hurt when you went to your friend\u2019s wedding without me,\u201d <\/i>it would be wise to check the intention behind the words you want to say before you actually speak them. In these two examples, the truth is that you expected <\/i>him to do those things. When he didn\u2019t, you were left feeling disappointed.\u00a0 If you tell him that what he didn\u2019t do, at best, you\u2019ll get a half-hearted apology (because, although he\u2019s apologizing, he really didn\u2019t do anything wrong<\/i>.\u00a0 He simply didn\u2019t do what you thought was \u201cright.\u201d)\u00a0 At worst, he\u2019ll feel like you are telling him what he should do, and men simply don\u2019t being controlled, nor do they want to be \u201cmothered,\u201d so you may find that you actually end up pushing him away.\u00a0 So, rather than try to manipulate him into either feeling guilty or doing what you want him to do, just realize that this was an instance of unmet expectations and let go of the need to say something.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Refrain from striking back. <\/b>It\u2019s an almost-knee-jerk reaction to defend ourselves when someone says something that is hurtful.\u00a0 We don\u2019t like feeling like we\u2019ve been criticized or sucker-punched by someone else\u2019s words.\u00a0 The problem is that this kind of response is likely to lead to an argument, and, whether you just started dating someone or you\u2019ve been together for years, arguments rarely ever lead to anyone actually winning<\/i>.\u00a0 More often than not, things are said that we regret and then have to apologize for later, and, meanwhile, the intimacy and connection we want is being chipped away with a verbal ice pick.\u00a0 In these situations, it\u2019s better to not say something simple, like \u201cOuch,\u201d or say nothing at all.\u00a0 When you do this, what lingers in the room is the last thing he <\/i>said, which means he has to be at the impact of the words he chose to say to the woman he cares about or loves.\u00a0 When that\u2019s all that\u2019s replaying in the space, he\u2019s more likely to apologize for his words.\u00a0 And because you chose to maintain your own dignity, there won\u2019t be anything you\u2019ll <\/i>need to apologize for!<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Choose to be vulnerable.\u00a0 <\/b>When we feel like the man we love is pulling away or spending less time with us, it\u2019s natural to feel afraid and insecure.\u00a0 At our core, all of us are afraid of being unloved or abandoned.\u00a0 That fear can lead us to try to get him to come closer again. However, when we complain to him that he\u2019s not spending enough time with us or that he\u2019s making other things more important than the relationship, we can inadvertently push him further away.\u00a0 Rather than respond in anger or by complaining about behavior we wish he would change, we can choose to express ourselves in a more vulnerable way by saying, \u201cI miss you.\u201d\u00a0 These words communicate what we\u2019re actually feeling, <\/i>rather than what we want or expect him to do, which is more likely to spark in him his natural tendency to want to please and protect you from feeling hurt.\u00a0 As frightening as a vulnerable response can be, it\u2019s always more attractive than nagging \u2013 which rarely, if ever, inspires a man to do anything differently.<\/p>\n

Now, does all of this mean that we never share how we are feeling?\u00a0 Of course not!\u00a0 It\u2019s important that we are able to express our feelings clearly and purely.\u00a0 However, unless we\u2019re truthful about our intentions before we share our feelings, we\u2019ll almost always be responding in a controlling and manipulative way by trying to get him to change his behavior.<\/p>\n

When we can simply share our feelings by saying things like \u201cI feel sad,\u201d \u201cI feel worried,\u201d <\/i>or \u201cI feel afraid,\u201d <\/i>without <\/b>adding the words \u201cbecause you\u2026\u201d <\/i>or \u201cwhen you didn\u2019t\/did\u2026\u201d<\/i> then we can be sure that we\u2019re expressing our feelings purely<\/i> \u2013 without expectations, attachments, or complaints.\u00a0 Then, and only then, does he have the freedom to choose<\/i> how he will respond because he wants to<\/i> and not because he feels that he has to.<\/i> And isn\u2019t that what we wanted in the first place?<\/p>\n

Want to learn more about how to express your feelings purely and without expectations or attachments?\u00a0 Then join us on Tuesday, March 25th<\/sup> for our Relationship Coaching Calls<\/span><\/a><\/span>, offered by Heart\u2019s Desire International and Laura Doyle.\u00a0 We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives.\u00a0 Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Comments?\u00a0 Questions?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz Even if the man you\u2019re dating, committed, or married to is the most wonderful man in \u00a0the world, chances are that at some point he\u2019ll say or do \u2013 or not say or do \u2013 something that leaves you feeling hurt.\u00a0 Many times, when we\u2019re hurt, the initial response is to strike […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9,13,16,17,22,23],"tags":[42,47,57,63,68,70,87,90,105],"class_list":["post-2146","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hdi-blog","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-romance-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2146","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2146"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2146\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2146"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2146"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2146"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}