{"id":2162,"date":"2013-03-29T12:05:06","date_gmt":"2013-03-29T17:05:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2162"},"modified":"2013-03-29T12:05:06","modified_gmt":"2013-03-29T17:05:06","slug":"how-doing-less-means-having-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/how-doing-less-means-having-more\/","title":{"rendered":"How Doing Less Means Having More!"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"woman<\/a><\/p>\n

Some of the most common questions I get from women – whether they are single, in a relationship, or married — begin with the words, “How can I get him to…?”<\/i><\/p>\n

Usually, the women are asking about how they can get their men to do more<\/i><\/b>: How to convince their husbands to help more around the house, how to get their boyfriends to plan their dates, or their dates to move the relationship to the next level.<\/p>\n

In each of these examples, there is something beneath the question that is not only driving the woman to doubt that her man will <\/i>do these things, but, in many cases, is also driving her <\/i>to take the reins and do them herself<\/i>.<\/p>\n

So, the frazzled wife will continue to resentfully do all of household chores, care for the children, and pay all of the bills herself<\/i>. The girlfriend will continue making all of the plans for dates and vacations herself<\/i>. And the single woman will continue to ask the man she’s dating where he thinks the relationship is headed, hinting that she wants more, and driving herself crazy wondering if he’s ever going to let her know whether he sees a future with her.<\/p>\n

The underlying factor in each of these examples is FEAR<\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When a woman I\u2019m working with asks me how she can get her husband to help her more around the house and with the children, there is an underlying fear that he won\u2019t<\/i> and that all of the responsibility of managing the household and caring for the kids will fall on her shoulder.\u00a0 So she begins complaining that he doesn\u2019t help her, nagging him to help her (which only makes him want to help her less), reminding him about what he said he would do, and checking up on him to make sure he\u2019s done it.\u00a0 Eventually, when the waiting gets to be too much, or if she doesn\u2019t want to deal with wondering whether or not something will get done, she just ends up doing what he said he would do herself<\/b><\/i>.<\/p>\n

If you ask her why, she\u2019ll tell you that if she doesn\u2019t do something, it just won\u2019t get done.\u00a0 What she doesn\u2019t realize however, is that by doing it all<\/i>, she\u2019s actually sending the message that she doesn\u2019t need help<\/i> and perpetuating having to do everything by herself<\/i>.\u00a0 Even if she doesn\u2019t do something, if she invests a lot of time and energy into reminding, checking up on him, and making sure things get done, she might reason that it\u2019s just easier to do it herself<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Is any of this resonating with you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Too many times we\u2019re so afraid that something we want won\u2019t happen <\/i>\u2013 at least not in the time frame, manner, and to our standard of satisfaction \u2013 that we step in do it ourselves.\u00a0 And while this may ensure that what we want gets done, we need to ask ourselves \u201cAt what cost?\u201d If we are sacrificing our peace of mind, our level of joy, and the intimacy in our relationship by continuously nagging, being resentful, and feeling completely exhausted, is it really worth what it\u2019s costing us to do it all ourselves?<\/p>\n

If the answer is no \u2013 and I\u2019m pretty sure it is \u2013 what can we do to get past the fear that is driving us to do everything ourselves?<\/strong><\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Trust. <\/b>\u00a0Trust is one of the most essential elements in any relationship.\u00a0 Prior to being in a relationship we had <\/i>to depend on ourselves.\u00a0 However, once we begin to create a relationship, we no longer have to be independent <\/i>and we can move toward being interdependent.<\/i>\u00a0 As scary as it can be sometimes to trust that someone else will follow through and do what he said he would, by trusting him and then stepping out of his way, we allow him the space to do what he said he\u2019d do while sending the message that we trust in his capabilities.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Let Go.\u00a0 <\/b>Once you choose to trust him to do what he said he would, it\u2019s important to release the urge to control by reminding checking up on, reminding, or \u201chelping\u201d him get it done. When you continuously check up on or remind him of what he said he would do, you\u2019re sending the message that you don\u2019t trust him to follow through, which can make him throw his hands up in the air and prove you right. During these times, remind yourself that he doesn\u2019t need back up. If he does, he\u2019ll ask\u2026 but he probably won\u2019t.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Focus on YOU.<\/b> One way to help you avoid checking in and resist the urge to take over is to focus on yourself.\u00a0 Rather than worrying about what he is or isn\u2019t doing, focus on the one and only thing you can control: YOU.\u00a0 Do something you enjoy \u2013 read a book, spend time with a girlfriend, take a long bath. The less time you spend reminding, supervising, and taking over, the more time you have to spend doing the things you enjoy.\u00a0 This will have you feeling more peaceful, patient, and fulfilled \u2013 all attractive qualities and all ingredients of a happy relationship!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not always easy to trust that the man we love or are interested in is going to do what he said he\u2019d do.\u00a0 When we\u2019re in a relationship, however, learning to trust, let go, and focus on ourselves is critical to creating and nurturing a culture of partnership in a relationship. \u00a0The less you do, the more you\u2019ll experience the joy and peace that comes with knowing that there is someone else who is ready and able to take care of you \u2013 if you\u2019ll allow him to.<\/p>\n

I know you are a capable woman. I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. I know that in the past you\u2019ve had to rely on yourself to get things done.\u00a0 I know because I\u2019m just like you!\u00a0 However, I also know that, while we can <\/i>be independent, self-sufficient, and get things done ourselves, one of the great things about being in an intimate relationship is that we no longer have<\/b> to<\/i>!<\/p>\n

Comments? Questions?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz Some of the most common questions I get from women – whether they are single, in a relationship, or married — begin with the words, “How can I get him to…?” Usually, the women are asking about how they can get their men to do more: How to convince their husbands to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9,13,16,17,22,23],"tags":[47,57,63,68,70,87,90,105],"class_list":["post-2162","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hdi-blog","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-romance-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2162","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2162"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2162\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2162"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2162"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2162"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}