![\"Disappearing](\"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/HDSite\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/Disappearing-Man_FDP_ID-10012781.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nI had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours,\u00a03 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That\u00a0crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back.\u00a0 At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts\u2026nothing.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves\u00a0and cares\u00a0about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my\u00a0mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told\u00a0him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would\u00a0be hard to tell…<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
I haven’t heard from him since.\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
I really want to reconnect with him.\u00a0 Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at\u00a0least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up,\u00a0feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong\u00a0and blaming myself\u00a0for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain\u00a0away and have\u00a0me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This\u00a0has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
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It can be really frustrating when we\u2019re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he\u2019s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her.\u00a0 It\u2019s not \u201cwrong.\u201d\u00a0 Before there\u2019s an actual commitment, it\u2019s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time<\/strong> (Note: I said it\u2019s okay to date <\/i>several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time\u2026 BIG difference!).<\/p>\n Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want.\u00a0 Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as \u201cthe rubber band effect,\u201d and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he\u2019ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.<\/p>\n From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not <\/i>call it \u201ca relationship,\u201d because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn\u2019t a relationship\u2026 until it is<\/em><\/strong>).<\/p>\n Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn\u2019t contact you for another two weeks.\u00a0 Since he\u2019s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he\u2019s choosing to do what he\u2019s doing, I\u2019m not going to focus on him.\u00a0 Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself<\/em> and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you\u2019re<\/i> interested in continuing to allow and experience<\/strong>?<\/p>\n While I can\u2019t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren\u2019t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone.\u00a0 I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more \u201cpermanent,\u201d but, when we stop seeing other people before <\/i>a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else \u2013 someone equally or even more wonderful \u2013 to enter our lives and give us the experience we do <\/i>want to have in a relationship.\u00a0 That has us get attached to the person and it\u2019s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.<\/p>\n You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time.\u00a0 My answers: No, yes, and yes.<\/strong><\/p>\n I wouldn\u2019t recommend calling him.\u00a0 I get that the last conversation you had didn\u2019t go well.\u00a0 It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him \u201cwrong\u201d for not having called you.\u00a0 Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence.\u00a0 However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it\u2019s usually because he\u2019s been procrastinating having that \u201cfirst call.\u201d Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!<\/p>\n Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling?\u00a0 Not at all!\u00a0 If you think back and focus on what you were really <\/i>feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you.<\/i>\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn\u2019t do and telling him what he should or shouldn\u2019t have done. All of that can be captured in three\u00a0other\u00a0<\/em>words: nagging and complaining. \u00a0And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!<\/p>\n So, my advice is that you let this go.<\/strong> That\u2019s<\/i> <\/i><\/b>how you\u2019ll get closure for yourself<\/em>. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in\u00a0 it\u2019s from him is not serving you.<\/p>\n Let it go.<\/strong><\/p>\n Focus, not only on \u201cthe lesson\u201d learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship \u2013 all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.<\/p>\n And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is<\/em> going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!<\/p>\n Hope this helps!\u00a0 Let me know!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Questions? Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n