{"id":2336,"date":"2013-06-10T09:00:30","date_gmt":"2013-06-10T14:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2336"},"modified":"2013-06-10T09:00:30","modified_gmt":"2013-06-10T14:00:30","slug":"what-to-do-when-he-hasnt-proposed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/what-to-do-when-he-hasnt-proposed\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do When He Hasn’t Proposed"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Marriage<\/a><\/p>\n

If my boyfriend of 4 1\/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally\u00a0get “free” of his son late at night when we are both available that he forgets to bring the ring because he considers it a mere formality, should I be kicking his proverbial rear to the curb? This is a beta male who has ADHD. Any thoughts?<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

There are a few points in this question that I\u2019d like to address.\u00a0 The first is that your boyfriend announced that he bought you a ring and is then explaining why he\u2019s forgetting to bring it when he comes to see you late at night.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering if you\u2019re the one who brought up the ring in the first place.\u00a0 The reason I ask is that men rarely announce that they\u2019ve bought a ring before they actually propose.\u00a0 The \u201csurprise factor\u201d of the proposal is part of its sweetness.\u00a0 So I\u2019m wondering if you were bringing up marriage a couple of years ago and he said he got a ring to deal with the pressure.<\/p>\n

If he did, in fact, get the ring of his own accord and shared with you that he bought it, the fact that he keeps explaining why he\u2019s forgetting to bring it makes me think that you\u2019re bringing up the fact that he hasn\u2019t given you the ring yet.\u00a0 This, again, could occur as pressure and could actually be causing him not to want to give you the ring until it\u2019s his idea<\/i><\/b>. <\/i>If this is the case you have been bringing up the ring (or lack, thereof) to him, my advice would be to let it go.\u00a0 Don\u2019t mention it for a month or two and just allow him the space to choose when to give it to you.\u00a0 When\/If he does ask you to marry him, you want to know that it\u2019s because he wants <\/i>to be with and can\u2019t imagine living his life without you, not because he feels like he has <\/i>to give it or propose to you.<\/p>\n

The other thing that stood out was when you said that he comes over when he\u2019s \u201cfree\u201d from his son, late at night.\u00a0 Is this the only time you two see each other?\u00a0 Who is staying with his son when he comes over at night?\u00a0 Are you 100% certain he is not married?\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to instill any fear, but given the limited amount of facts in the email, it\u2019s hard for me to understand why he\u2019s explaining why he didn\u2019t bring the ring with him late at night, once he\u2019s free from his son. I\u2019d be happy to set up a time to talk with you privately, if there\u2019s something I\u2019m missing.\u00a0 And, again, I apologize if I\u2019m making any incorrect assumptions.<\/p>\n

The most important part of this situation is how you feel \u2013 about both him and the relationship.\u00a0 <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

You refer to him as \u201ca beta male who has ADHD.\u201d\u00a0 For me, the bigger question than whether or not you should kick him to the curb because he hasn\u2019t proposed is whether this is a man with whom you\u2019d like to spend the rest of your life.<\/p>\n

In my experience, when women refer to men as \u201cbetas,\u201d there is a level of disrespect for who the man is \u2013 as if he is somewhat \u201cinferior\u201d to a man who is more assertive.\u00a0 It\u2019s also been my experience that women who refer to their men as \u201cbetas\u201d see themselves as \u201calphas,\u201d which usually means that they are very controlling and tend to be the ones making all of the decisions in the relationship. The more \u201calpha\u201d the woman acts, the more beta the man appears, and the less likely he will be to step up, make decisions, and take the lead, as a way to avoid having their ideas criticized, contradicted, or dismissed.<\/p>\n

The comment about him having ADHD also comes up a lot.\u00a0 Whether he\u2019s been diagnosed officially by a medical practitioner or not (many of the women I work with self-diagnose their men), there are things about him and the way he acts, makes decisions, etc. that you may not agree with.\u00a0 While you may not agree with every decision he makes or how he goes about making them, for this relationship to work, it\u2019s going to be important that you respect his ideas, thoughts, and decisions.\u00a0 In other words, it\u2019s critical that you respect him and who he is as a man.<\/p>\n

My clients have found that the moment they begin treating their man with respect and trusting in his capabilities to think, solve problems, and make wise decisions, the same man who once seemed passive, indecisive,\u00a0 or incapable begins to show up as a strong, determined, and confident (dare I say \u201calpha\u201d) man!<\/p>\n

So, my advice to you is to let go of the attachment to having the ring presented to you, and focus on whether this is a man with whom you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. Is he the man who you can trust with your heart, who trust will be there to care for you, and who you will be proud to respect and honor until death do you part. If the answer to all of these questions is \u201cYes,\u201d then step back from mentioning the ring and focus on being the woman he fell in love with and for whom he chose to design a custom-made ring.\u00a0 If after a month or two there is no mention of marriage, then you can let him know that you love him and that, for you to be happy, you need to be married.\u00a0 That for you, it\u2019s more than just a formality \u2013 it\u2019s what will make you happy.<\/p>\n

If the answer to these questions is \u201cNo,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d or \u201cNot yet,\u201d then, again, let go of the idea of the ring and get clear about what you want. If it\u2019s not him (exactly the way he is and exactly the way he\u2019s not), then gently let him go and make room for the man who is perfect for you to find you!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m actually leading a group coaching call this Tuesday, June 11th<\/sup> on \u201cHow to Honor Your Desire to be Married Without Making Ultimatums.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0 If you\u2019d like to learn more about how you can participate on the call, you can do so by clicking here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Comments?\u00a0 Questions?\u00a0 Let us know!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz If my boyfriend of 4 1\/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally\u00a0get “free” of his son late at night when we are both […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,10,16,17,22,23],"tags":[42,47,57,87,90,97,105],"class_list":["post-2336","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-romance-2","tag-smcsfbc","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2336","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2336"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2336\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2336"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2336"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2336"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}