{"id":2374,"date":"2013-06-16T11:21:51","date_gmt":"2013-06-16T16:21:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2374"},"modified":"2013-06-16T11:21:51","modified_gmt":"2013-06-16T16:21:51","slug":"what-to-do-when-you-and-your-spouse-are-not-on-the-same-page","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/what-to-do-when-you-and-your-spouse-are-not-on-the-same-page\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do When You and Your Spouse Are Not on the Same Page"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Couple<\/a><\/p>\n

What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress?\u00a0 I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me.\u00a0 For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business.\u00a0 There is very little support for my priorities.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment.\u00a0 There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities.\u00a0 However, consider different<\/i> does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad.\u00a0 They are simply different.\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n

I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out.\u00a0 Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner.\u00a0 Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he\u2019s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m like you.\u00a0 I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter.\u00a0 At that time, he didn\u2019t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island.\u00a0 It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned.\u00a0 I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter.\u00a0 I explained how much it upset me.\u00a0 I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully).\u00a0 I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it.\u00a0 Nothing worked.\u00a0 Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.<\/p>\n

Finally, one day, after I\u2019d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, \u201cI love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear.\u00a0 It makes me feel so peaceful.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn\u2019t going to argue about the counter again.\u00a0 It just wasn\u2019t worth it.<\/p>\n

The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off.\u00a0 I smiled and said, \u201cThank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou\u2019re welcome,\u201d and nothing else.\u00a0 After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day.\u00a0 A little while later he asked me, \u201cWant to know why I cleared off the counter?\u201d I said, \u201cYes. Why?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cBecause you didn\u2019t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.\u201d And he was right! It did.<\/p>\n

That was about four years ago<\/em>, and I haven\u2019t had to mention the counters again!\u00a0 Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again.\u00a0 I\u2019m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and<\/strong><\/em> the peace in my home!<\/p>\n

I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise.\u00a0 And I\u2019d remind him constantly about the things he said he\u2019d do that he hadn\u2019t done yet.<\/p>\n

I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important.\u00a0 I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really<\/em> loved me, and if he was really <\/em>the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.<\/p>\n

What I didn\u2019t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen<\/strong>.\u00a0 See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not \u201cright enough,\u201d all they can hear is that they are \u201cwrong\u201d and that they need to be \u201cfixed\u201d or \u201cchanged.\u201d\u00a0 And, quite frankly, they don\u2019t like being told what they should do any more than we do!<\/p>\n

There \u00a0isn\u2019t a man on this planet who will tell you that he\u2019s been inspired<\/i> to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend\u2019s nagging.\u00a0<\/strong> In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.<\/p>\n

So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support?<\/strong>\u00a0 Simply express your desires.\u00a0 Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don\u2019t want, but not<\/strong> <\/span>what you want him <\/i>to do or not do.<\/p>\n

So, rather than saying, \u201cI want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,\u201d<\/em> ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result.<\/strong> If you think about it, what you really want<\/i> is a neat room, so just say, \u201cI want the room to look neat.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Instead of complaining and saying, \u201cYou never take me out dancing anymore,\u201d<\/em> say, \u201cI\u2019d like to go dancing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, \u201cI want to make meatloaf, but I don\u2019t want to wash the dishes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Instead of telling him, \u201cYou should spend more time with me and the kids,\u201d<\/em> tell him,\u00a0\u201cI\u2019d like to spend time with you”\u00a0<\/em>or, even better,\u00a0“I miss spending time with you.”<\/em><\/p>\n

In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want<\/i>, not<\/span> on what you want him <\/i>to do.<\/strong>\u00a0 This presents him with an invitation, <\/i>instead of an obligation<\/i><\/strong>.\u00a0 And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that\u2019s <\/i>what inspires them.\u00a0 They just want to please us!<\/p>\n

I know it sounds too simple.\u00a0 I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn\u2019t be enough.\u00a0 I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!<\/p>\n

So, I invite you try it.\u00a0 Instead of telling your husband all of the things he\u2019s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with \u201cI want\u2026\u201d or \u201cI\u2019d like,\u201d and remember to focus on the end result<\/strong>, instead of what you think he should do.<\/p>\n

And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him.\u00a0 Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it.\u00a0<\/strong> When he knows that he\u2019s pleased you and that he\u2019s also<\/em> appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you.\u00a0 At the same time, you\u2019ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Please let me know how it goes!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions?\u00a0 Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress?\u00a0 I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me.\u00a0 For my husband, the way the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,8,9,10,13,16,17,22],"tags":[34,42,54,56,57,63,68,70,87,97,105],"class_list":["post-2374","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-forgiveness-2","category-gratitude-2","category-hdi-blog","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","tag-arguments","tag-communication","tag-gratitude","tag-happiness","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-smcsfbc","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2374","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2374"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2374\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2374"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2374"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2374"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}