{"id":2378,"date":"2013-06-17T18:32:48","date_gmt":"2013-06-17T23:32:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2378"},"modified":"2013-06-17T18:32:48","modified_gmt":"2013-06-17T23:32:48","slug":"when-you-want-sex-and-he-doesnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/when-you-want-sex-and-he-doesnt\/","title":{"rendered":"When You Want Sex and He Doesn’t"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"she<\/a><\/p>\n

I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope. <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it. <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same. <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you\u2019re feeling.\u00a0 Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it\u2019s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.<\/p>\n

While you say you\u2019ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship<\/strong>.\u00a0 This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love.\u00a0 Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse<\/strong>.\u00a0 Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging?\u00a0 Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways?\u00a0 Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom?\u00a0 Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.<\/p>\n

The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples\u2019 counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you\u2019re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better<\/strong>.\u00a0 Listening to counselors tell him that he\u2019s lazy and doesn\u2019t know how to make love or be in a relationship can\u2019t be easy to hear.\u00a0 If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he\u2019s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m wondering if you\u2019d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while<\/strong>.\u00a0 The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate.\u00a0 If some of the pressure was off, it\u2019s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it\u2019s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he\u2019s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself<\/strong>. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself<\/i> that make you feel good.\u00a0 It\u2019s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.<\/p>\n

Self-care doesn\u2019t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing \u2013 reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband).\u00a0 It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby \u2013 basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure.\u00a0 And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.<\/p>\n

Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we\u2019re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy.<\/strong>\u00a0 We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we\u2019ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy.\u00a0 And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive!\u00a0 You\u2019ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex.\u00a0 However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn\u2019t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions?\u00a0 Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below! We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,10,13,16,17,22,23,25],"tags":[57,63,68,70,87,91,94,97,105],"class_list":["post-2378","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hdi-blog","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","category-sex","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-self-care","tag-sex","tag-smcsfbc","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2378","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2378"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2378\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2378"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2378"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2378"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}