{"id":2451,"date":"2013-06-29T16:14:43","date_gmt":"2013-06-29T21:14:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2451"},"modified":"2013-06-29T16:14:43","modified_gmt":"2013-06-29T21:14:43","slug":"how-to-avoid-fighting-about-money","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/how-to-avoid-fighting-about-money\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Avoid Fighting About Money"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/HDSite\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/fighting-over-money_FDP_ID-10076003.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter  wp-image-2452\" alt=\"fighting over money_FDP_ID-10076003\" src=\"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/HDSite\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/fighting-over-money_FDP_ID-10076003.jpg\" width=\"320\" height=\"213\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><b><i>My partner doesn&#8217;t understand money and spends it recklessly. I&#8217;m afraid we&#8217;re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can&#8217;t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p>Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, \u201cMoney.\u201d\u00a0 Contrary to public opinion \u2013 and even studies \u2013 I disagree.\u00a0 I don\u2019t believe that <i>money<\/i> is the main reason people get divorced.\u00a0 It\u2019s <i>how people relate to one another when it comes to money<\/i> that leads to the arguments, blame, and resentment that ultimately leads many couples to divorce one another.<\/p>\n<p><b>So what are some of the factors that lead to having \u201cmoney problems\u201d inside of romantic relationships?<\/b><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Keeping \u201cmoney secrets.\u201d <\/b>One of the reasons people have trouble when it comes to money and relationships is that, many times, they don\u2019t discuss money issues prior to joining their lives, and, consequently, their finances.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had clients who, because they are in a lot of debt feel as sense of shame around their situation, are afraid that it could cost them being in a relationship with someone they love.\u00a0 Hence, they\u2019ll avoid bringing up the topic of finances until <i>after <\/i>marriage.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 90px;\">Granted, when we are getting to know someone, we always try to present ourselves in the most positive light. <b>But, once you begin getting closer and consider spending your life with someone, it\u2019s important to be honest about those issues that can potentially impact the other person.<\/b>\u00a0 While it\u2019s natural to be afraid when you\u2019re unsure of how a person will react to learning something about you that\u2019s not wonderful and exciting, it\u2019s also important to have trust in a relationship and that begins with being <i>truthful<\/i>.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Being afraid to join finances.<\/b> Another common money issue I\u2019ve seen come is the unwillingness of one or both of the people to join finances when they join their lives \u2013 and I\u2019m not even talking about those that start our their marriages with a prenuptial agreement that protects them <i>just<\/i> <i>in case<\/i> the marriage comes to an end (which is a <i>whole other blog post!<\/i>).\u00a0 I\u2019m referring to the fear of giving up \u201cwhat\u2019s mine\u201d in order to begin to create \u201cwhat\u2019s ours.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><b>\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 90px;\"><b>When I coach women in this area, I remind them that the real issue is not whether or not they actually join their finances with their husband, it\u2019s dealing with the fear that has them belief that this is unsafe or that he will someone take advantage of or not provide for her needs.<\/b> That is a much deeper issue than whether or not you go to the bank and open a joint checking or savings account.\u00a0 And, while this is a topic that calls for more coaching than I can do via this blog post, I will say that, once the fears are addressed, the woman begins to experience freedom around finances and to enjoy a very deep level of intimacy with her husband.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b>The unwillingness to compromise. <\/b>Before we get married, each of us has a certain way of doing things.\u00a0 We have a system for paying our bills on time, managing our checkbook, and tracking our spending (or not).\u00a0 When we get married, chances are that our new spouse <i>also <\/i>has his own way of doing these things and there\u2019s a very good chance that it\u2019s going to be <i>different<\/i> than our way.\u00a0 Coming to the conversation ready to prove that you\u2019re right and he\u2019s wrong is only going to have both of your defenses up. Here\u2019s where the willingness to compromise and consider that maybe \u2013 <i>just maybe <\/i>\u2013 there is <i>another way<\/i> to do things.\u00a0 <b>Being willing to accept that different doesn\u2019t mean \u201cwrong,\u201d will go a long way toward avoiding those arguments you mentioned in your email.<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Going back to your original question, you mention that your partner is spending money \u201crecklessly.\u201d\u00a0 Can you see how there is already a judgment that how he spends and manages money is \u201cwrong\u201d?\u00a0 For men, who have a natural desire to provide for and please women, this also sends the message that you don\u2019t trust him to be responsible and care for you.<\/p>\n<p>A better way to approach this may be <b>just letting him know what you would like, instead of what you think he should do. <\/b>\u00a0For instance, letting him know that you\u2019d really like to buy a home, go on vacation, or put money aside for retirement or an emergency fund will probably land a little bit better than pointing out all the ways he\u2019s being irresponsible or reckless with money<b>.\u00a0 Letting him know that you trust him could ignite his natural tendency to want to provide for and please you.<\/b>\u00a0 At the very least there won\u2019t be any accusations for him to defend himself against, which means it\u2019s likely the conversation won\u2019t turn into an argument.<\/p>\n<p>Money issues can bring out the best and worst in people.\u00a0 However, the willingness to communicate, trust, and compromise are essential to creating both emotional <i>and<\/i> financial intimacy in a relationship!<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Comments?\u00a0 Questions? Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Image courtesy of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.freedigitalphotos.net\/images\/Money_g61-Business_People_Fighting_Over_Some_Money__p76003.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Gladys Diaz My partner doesn&#8217;t understand money and spends it recklessly. I&#8217;m afraid we&#8217;re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can&#8217;t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight. Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, \u201cMoney.\u201d\u00a0 Contrary to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,10,13,16,17,18,22],"tags":[42,57,63,68,70,73,87,97,105],"class_list":["post-2451","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication-2","category-hdi-blog","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-money-issues","category-relationship-advice","tag-communication","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-money","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-smcsfbc","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2451","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2451"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2451\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}