{"id":2582,"date":"2013-08-30T11:51:04","date_gmt":"2013-08-30T15:51:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2582"},"modified":"2013-08-30T11:51:04","modified_gmt":"2013-08-30T15:51:04","slug":"why-ultimatums-dont-work-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/why-ultimatums-dont-work-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Ultimatums Don’t Work in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Couple<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cIf don\u2019t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cIf we don\u2019t go to counseling, it\u2019s over.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you really loved me, you would\u2026\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ultimatums.<\/p>\n

They give the person extending them a false sense of power.\u00a0 Why is it a false sense of power<\/i>?\u00a0 Well, think about it.\u00a0 When you tell someone what he<\/i><\/b> needs to do or say in order for you <\/i><\/b>to be happy and have what you want, are you really<\/i> the one with the power?<\/p>\n

No.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve basically handed over the power to have what you want to another person. You\u2019ve made your<\/span> happiness<\/i> contingent upon the other person\u2019s choice<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Think of it this way. \u00a0Let\u2019s say you\u2019ve been dating someone for a long time and, while it\u2019s all nice, the relationship clearly not going anywhere. If you know<\/i> that in order for you<\/i> to be happy, you want to be in a committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage, then you <\/i><\/b>are the one with a choice to make.\u00a0 Not him.\u00a0 Now, you can definitely let him know that you would like to be married, but you wouldn\u2019t tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to want the same thing.<\/p>\n

You\u2019d simply say something like, \u201cI\u2019d really like to be married\u201d<\/i> \u2013 not<\/span> \u201cI\u2019d really like to marry you<\/span>\u201d<\/i> or \u201cIf you want to stay together, then I need to know that our relationship is leading to marriage.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n

The last two statements make your choice hinge upon what he wants. Plus, if he did <\/em>propose to you because you threatened to leave him, you\u2019d never really know whether he would have chosen to ask you himself.\u00a0 Not because he was afraid of losing you, but because he couldn\u2019t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!<\/p>\n

In saying, \u201cI\u2019d<\/b> like to be married,\u201d<\/i> you are owning your choice and your happiness.\u00a0 The word \u201cyou\u201d (meaning him) is not even in that statement, because this is your desire<\/b>.<\/p>\n

The same holds true if you\u2019re in a relationship or marriage.\u00a0 Telling your boyfriend or husband what he needs to do in order for you to be happy is manipulative and inauthentic.<\/strong> It\u2019s a way to separate yourself from your own desires so that you don\u2019t have to be vulnerable and share what you want for yourself.<\/p>\n

Saying \u201cWe need to go to counseling, or it\u2019s over\u201d <\/i>rather than \u201cI\u2019d like to go to counseling\u201d <\/i>is more about instilling fear in the other person.\u00a0 It also sends the message that, unless the other person does something to \u201cfix\u201d or change himself, the relationship simply won\u2019t work.\u00a0 \u00a0This message of \u201cyou<\/span> need to change or be \u2018fixed\u2019\u201d is what has most men resist the idea in the first place.\u00a0 Who the heck wants to go sit in an office with a stranger for an hour and listen to all of the things they\u2019re doing wrong?<\/p>\n

Saying \u201cWe need to go to counseling\u201d<\/i> also keeps you from committing to make the changes you can make that would make a difference in the relationship, because you\u2019re hinging your willingness to change on his.<\/p>\n

So, rather than throwing around ultimatums and giving away your power, own you power.\u00a0 <\/b><\/p>\n

Look within and ask yourself what it is that you want.\u00a0 What is it that would make you happy? What have you been settling for and not willing to stand for?\u00a0 Where have you been making another person responsible for your own happiness?<\/p>\n

Once you\u2019ve identified those things, then create a simple statement that expresses what you want.\u00a0 Begin it with \u201cI want\u2026,\u201d<\/i> and make sure the words \u201cyou,\u201d \u201cwe,\u201d<\/i> and \u201cus\u201d<\/i> are nowhere in your statement.<\/p>\n

Simply own your desire and embrace the power you have to create what you want in your life and in love!<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If you’re ready to own your power and begin working with me to transform your dating life or relationship, simply fill out the new message form that popped up on this page and let’s set up some time time to talk!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions?\u00a0 Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz \u201cIf don\u2019t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.\u201d \u201cIf we don\u2019t go to counseling, it\u2019s over.\u201d \u201cIf you really loved me, you would\u2026\u201d   Ultimatums. They give the person extending them a false sense of power.\u00a0 Why is it a false sense of power?\u00a0 Well, think about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5,6,10,13,16,17,22],"tags":[37,42,47,50,56,57,63,68,70,87,105],"class_list":["post-2582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breakups","category-communication-2","category-dating-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","tag-breakups","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-empowerment","tag-happiness","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2582"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2582\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}