{"id":2667,"date":"2013-09-24T18:30:54","date_gmt":"2013-09-24T22:30:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2667"},"modified":"2013-09-24T18:30:54","modified_gmt":"2013-09-24T22:30:54","slug":"be-his-lover-not-his-teacher","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/be-his-lover-not-his-teacher\/","title":{"rendered":"Be His Lover, Not His “Teacher”"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Classroom<\/a><\/p>\n

I started my career as a teacher. I absolutely love knowing I\u2019m making a difference in the lives of the people I teach \u2013 whether they be children, other educators, my own kids, or my clients.\u00a0 Helping someone discover something new that changes the way they see and understand things is one of the most rewarding feelings for me.<\/p>\n

There is one person in my life, however, who doesn\u2019t quite appreciate me “teaching” him: My husband.<\/p>\n

See, for years, I didn\u2019t realize that I was spending a lot of time trying to teach my husband how to eat healthier, dress better, or express his emotions in a more calm way.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t realize that every time I began a sentence with \u201cYou should\u2026,\u201d \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t\u2026,\u201d or \u201cWhat I would do is\u2026,\u201d<\/em> he was cringing inside!\u00a0 Why? Well, first of all, because, usually, he hadn\u2019t asked me for my help!\u00a0 All of that unsolicited, \u201chelpful advice\u201d was coming across as condescending, and, while I thought I was coming from a helpful place, all he heard from me was criticism and correction \u2013 like I was trying to fix or change him.<\/strong><\/p>\n

And, you know what?\u00a0 He was right!<\/p>\n

The truth is that, while I used the cloak of trying to be helpful or giving my honest opinion, when I gave my husband unsolicited advice, it was usually because I thought there was something he could or should <\/i>be doing differently.\u00a0 Rather than respecting his way of doing things, I felt it was my duty to let him know how he could or should do it differently or better (a.k.a. my way<\/i>).<\/p>\n

Once I began realizing just how negatively this was impacting my relationship, in that my husband was withdrawing and resisting everything I suggested (to the point where it seemed he was purposefully doing the\u00a0opposite\u00a0<\/em>of anything I said), I began making a real effort to think before speaking and to be totally honest with myself about why <\/i>I felt the need to say something.\u00a0 Was it really<\/i> about sharing my opinion \u2013 my unsolicited <\/i>opinion \u2013 or was it because I was trying to change his mind about how he should <\/i>do something.\u00a0<\/strong> Once I began to catch myself, I was able to see that a lot of the time, it really was about me wanting him to do things my way.\u00a0 And it was costing me big time<\/em> when it came to the intimacy in our relationship.<\/p>\n

So, does this mean that as women in a relationship we never <\/i>get to say what we think, how we feel, or what we want?\u00a0 Not at all!<\/p>\n

My husband and I now have an agreement that if either one of us wants coaching or would like the other\u2019s opinion, then we clearly<\/i> make the request by saying something like, \u201cI\u2019d like your opinion…\u201d or \u201cI\u2019d really like some coaching.\u201d<\/i> This request is crystal-clear and it helps both the person who is requesting the advice or coaching and<\/strong> <\/em>the one doing the listening, because now, if I\u2019m the listener, I know that there is a different way I should be listening to what he\u2019s saying.\u00a0 If he\u2019s not requesting my advice, I can just be a generous listener.<\/strong> And, even then, the only way I can really give my opinion or coaching is if I\u2019m really<\/em> listening to him and listening for what he is asking.\u00a0 If I\u2019m only half-listening, or only thinking about what I\u2019m going to say, chances are that what I end up saying may not be relevant to what he\u2019s shared. And, even when he asks for my opinion, I like to ask him what he thinks first <\/i>so that I can see what he\u2019s already thinking of doing.\u00a0<\/strong> This gives me the opportunity to be supportive and respectful of his ideas, because, ultimately, he\u2019s going to want to make the choice that feels right to him.\u00a0 Notice how I said that the choice feels right to him<\/i>, not<\/span> <\/i><\/b>to me<\/i>! (smile<\/i>)<\/p>\n

I wish I could say that I never <\/i>revert to \u201cteacher mode\u201d anymore.\u00a0 That I\u2019m completely devoid of the need to want to correct or tell my husband how he might say, do, or approach something differently.\u00a0 The truth is that now and again, I do tell him how he should drive, what I think he should say to an employee, or why I think he\u2019s hit a plateau on his weight loss.\u00a0 The truth is that I\u2019m not perfect, and that the need to be right does creep up every once in a while.\u00a0 The difference now is that I can recognize<\/i> when I\u2019ve done it and I\u2019ll apologize to him.<\/strong>\u00a0 And, sometimes, when \u00a0I\u2019m really<\/i> being aware of my speaking, I may even catch myself as I\u2019m doing it<\/i>, and I will immediately stop myself mid-sentence and apologize to him for trying to tell him what to do.\u00a0 Usually, he\u2019ll respond by giving me that smile that says, \u201cThanks, Babe!\u201d (I love that smile!).<\/p>\n

On the next blog post<\/span><\/a><\/span>, I\u2019ll be sharing some very specific statements that can use to share what you feel, want and think in such a way that it doesn\u2019t come across as teaching, fixing, or trying to change the man you are dating or in a relationship with!<\/strong><\/p>\n

So stay tuned for Friday\u2019s post<\/span><\/a><\/span>!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Comments?\u00a0 Questions?\u00a0 Let us know below!\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz I started my career as a teacher. I absolutely love knowing I\u2019m making a difference in the lives of the people I teach \u2013 whether they be children, other educators, my own kids, or my clients.\u00a0 Helping someone discover something new that changes the way they see and understand things is one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6,10,13,16,17,22],"tags":[42,47,57,63,68,70,87],"class_list":["post-2667","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication-2","category-dating-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2667","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2667"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2667\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2667"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2667"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2667"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}