{"id":2673,"date":"2013-09-27T10:39:57","date_gmt":"2013-09-27T14:39:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=2673"},"modified":"2013-09-27T10:39:57","modified_gmt":"2013-09-27T14:39:57","slug":"lover-teacher-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/lover-teacher-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Be His Lover, NOT His “Teacher”: Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Disapproving<\/a><\/p>\n

Part 1<\/span><\/a><\/span> of this article, which talked about being his lover, not<\/span> his teacher, seems to have resonated with a lot of women, based on the emails I\u2019ve received and the comments on the blog!\u00a0 Apparently, many \u00a0of us identify at least a little<\/em> with feeling “an almost-divine responsibility\u201d to teach men how they should speak, dress, and act!\u00a0 The problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that this teacher-student\/mother-son dynamic kills the <\/i>intimacy in a relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n

So, you may be wondering what you can<\/em> say if he does something you don\u2019t like or agree with.\u00a0 Do you just hold your thoughts and feelings in until they spew out of your mouth like lava from the mouth of a volcano?\u00a0 Do you pretend to agree, even if you don\u2019t?\u00a0 Do you give up your rights to ever say what you think, want or feel?<\/strong><\/p>\n

No!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Not sharing your feelings is not healthy, nor does it permit intimacy to grow in a relationship.\u00a0 Pretending to be someone you\u2019re not is in authentic.\u00a0 After all, he can\u2019t fall in love with you<\/strong>, if you<\/strong> are\u00a0 not there.\u00a0 And you have a right to think and feel the way you do.<\/span><\/h4>\n

The catch?\u00a0 So does he!<\/em><\/p>\n

See, the fact that you both don’t agree on how every single thing can be said or done does not make either one of you right or wrong.\u00a0 You’re just different<\/em>.\u00a0 This is why it’s important to remember what I often tell my kids:<\/p>\n

Not everything that pops into your head necessarily needs to pop out of your mouth.\u00a0 <\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Judgments, complaints and criticisms are not your<\/em> opinions because they\u2019re not about<\/em> you<\/i>.\u00a0 No matter how nicely you phrase a complaint or criticism, it still sends the message: \u201cYou\u2019re wrong.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So, instead of telling him what he should <\/i>\u00a0or shouldn\u2019t <\/i>be doing, which has all of your attention going over there, to where he is, turn the mirror around and focus your attention on yourself.<\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

For example, imagine that the guy you are seeing says he\u2019s going to call, and he doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 While you may want to tell him something like \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t say you\u2019re going to call if you\u2019re not, because that\u2019s rude and inconsiderate\u201d \u2013 <\/i>which is not at all about your feelings<\/em>, but what you think he did wrong \u2013 you could focus on how you’re actually feeling <\/b>and say, \u201cI was disappointed I \u00a0didn\u2019t get to talk to you\u201d <\/i>or \u201cI was looking forward to your call.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n

Notice how these statements focus on how you\u2019re feeling, not<\/span> on what he did or didn\u2019t do.<\/p>\n

Or perhaps you\u2019re going on a first date and the guy says he wants you to drive up to where he lives to meet him, or to meet him at a halfway mark.\u00a0 If you would be picked up, or meet closer to your home, that\u2019s what you would say: \u201cI\u2019d rather not drive that far,\u201d <\/i>or \u201cI prefer to be picked up.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Neither of these statements is teaching him or telling him what to do.\u00a0 You are simply stating your preferences and then he gets to choose what to do with that information \u2013 to either fulfill your desire, or not.<\/p>\n

If your husband or boyfriend has been eating fast food three days in a row because he\u2019s been working long hours, instead of telling him, \u201cYou should take a healthy lunch so that you\u2019re not eating all of that grease and wasting all of that money,\u201d <\/i>there are several things you could do.<\/p>\n

You could acknowledge that he\u2019s a grown man who probably already knows that fast food is not the healthiest food choice and trust him<\/em> to make what he feels are the best decisions for himself.<\/p>\n

You could also choose to focus on the times he does <\/i>make a healthy choice and point that out, instead. In this case, you could say, \u201cIt was a great idea to cook extra fish so that you have something healthy to take for lunch tomorrow.\u201d <\/i>This way, instead of focusing on what you don\u2019t agree with or approve of, you\u2019re choosing to focus on what you\u2019d like to see happen more often!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The point is that people don\u2019t like to be told what the should<\/i> do or what they\u2019re doing wrong, and they rarely choose to change out of being badgered, criticized, or made to feel badly.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Assuming that you are dating or in a relationship with an adult, you can trust that he knows how to take care of himself.\u00a0 After all, he managed to survive several decades before meeting you, right?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Respecting his choices and ideas as his <\/i>choices and ideas \u2013 without trying to fix or change him or them \u2013 doesn\u2019t mean you agree with them. It simply means you respect them.\u00a0 And respect is a key ingredient in any relationship.<\/span><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

So, the next time you have the urge to teach, correct, criticize, or give your unsolicited advice or opinion, ask yourself whether you want to be the one who teaches<\/i> him what he should do or the one who gets to love and accept and be loved and accepted by him.\u00a0 Then remind yourself that there\u2019s probably no better way to let him know you love him than letting him know that you trust and respect him and<\/i> his choices!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions?\u00a0 Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below! We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz Part 1 of this article, which talked about being his lover, not his teacher, seems to have resonated with a lot of women, based on the emails I\u2019ve received and the comments on the blog!\u00a0 Apparently, many \u00a0of us identify at least a little with feeling “an almost-divine responsibility\u201d to teach men […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6,10,13,16,17,22,23],"tags":[42,47,57,63,68,70,87,105],"class_list":["post-2673","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication-2","category-dating-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2673"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2673"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2673"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}