{"id":3191,"date":"2014-04-01T09:55:06","date_gmt":"2014-04-01T13:55:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=3191"},"modified":"2014-04-01T09:55:06","modified_gmt":"2014-04-01T13:55:06","slug":"avoiding-difficult-conversations-in-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/avoiding-difficult-conversations-in-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"woman<\/a><\/p>\n

Last week, my husband and I had a conversation we\u2019d been avoiding for years.\u00a0 It was something we knew we had to do.\u00a0 We\u2019d talked about having the conversation, mentioned it to others, and, still, months and years went by without us having it.\u00a0 Why?<\/p>\n

We were afraid of what it would mean \u2013 for us and for our family.<\/p>\n

The conversation I\u2019m referring to wasn\u2019t a conversation we needed to have with one another.\u00a0 It was the conversation to let our older son know that he has Asperger\u2019s Syndrome \u2013 a mild form of Autism.<\/p>\n

We found out that our son had Autism during the summer before he begin first grade.\u00a0 The truth, however, is that I\u2019d had my suspicions since the time that he was about 2 years old.\u00a0 There were signs that he wasn\u2019t connecting with others, he had obsessive patterns of behavior, and changes in his schedule were very difficult for him to handle.<\/p>\n

I even had a \u201csecret\u201d folder on my computer where I had been gathering research about Asperger’s Syndrome.\u00a0 No one knew about my suspicions, except me.\u00a0 For years, I carried this feeling with me, but was too afraid of what it might mean if my suspicions were confirmed.<\/p>\n

The decision to not tell my son about his diagnosis was one that my husband and I made together.\u00a0 We went back and forth about the pros and cons of letting him know, considered what it would mean to him, how he might react.\u00a0 We were afraid of saying something that might set him off, make him feel like there was something \u201cwrong\u201d with him, or that he might use his diagnosis as an excuse, rather than the reason for trying harder.\u00a0 At the same time, we wondered if not telling him would cause just as many issues for him, with him never knowing why he felt and was sometimes treated as if he were \u201cdifferent.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t tell you how many times I envisioned us having this conversation with him. In each scenario, I would hear my son asking a million questions (something he does anyway), questioning who he is, why there was something \u201cwrong\u201d with him, how it could be cured (there is no cure for autism), and why this had to happen to him.\u00a0 I pictured him crying, storming out of the room, or throwing a tantrum.<\/p>\n

The fear of what I imagined his reaction would be is one of the things that kept me delaying having the conversation.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t imagine having to have to comfort my son, answer questions I didn\u2019t have the answers to, and explain something that, quite honestly, I understand very little about myself.<\/p>\n

We finally decided to stop avoiding having the conversation. He\u2019s about to go to middle school, and we want him to be able to speak up for himself if he needs help.\u00a0 We planned what we would tell him and decided to keep it as simple as possible, allowing him to ask questions if he wanted more information.<\/p>\n

Last week, we sent our little one upstairs and let him know we needed to talk with him.\u00a0 I was sweating, cold, and trying not to cry, all at the same time.\u00a0 I looked at my husband.\u00a0 We gave each other the look that said, \u201cWe\u2019re in this together,\u201d and we told him in the most simple and matter-of-fact way about his diagnosis, what it meant, what it didn\u2019t <\/i>\u00a0mean, and why it was important that he know about it now that he\u2019s getting older.<\/p>\n

He asked us some questions like, \u201cIs this why I feel left out a lot of the time?\u201d <\/i>(that was a hard one to hear), \u201cIs this why I\u2019m really good at math?\u201d <\/i>(an easier one to hear), \u201cIs this why I have trouble with my short-term memory?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Then he asked me if I had Asperger\u2019s, too.\u00a0 I told him I didn\u2019t but that dad had learned that he might have it, and that seemed to make him feel better.\u00a0 Then, out of nowhere, he asked if Albert Einstein had Asperger\u2019s.\u00a0 I smiled and said that, a matter of fact, doctors now believe that he did (this made him feel a lot better<\/i>).<\/p>\n

When we asked him how he felt about knowing that he had Asperger\u2019s Syndrome, he said, something I had never<\/i> imagined in any of my worst-case-scenarios.<\/p>\n

He said smiled and said, \u201cIt feels good knowing that there is something unique about me!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

In that moment, all of my imagined fears fell away. All of the doubts I\u2019d had about whether or not telling him was a good idea, disappeared.\u00a0 And I had to smile to hide back the tears.<\/p>\n

I spent years ignoring the fact that I suspected my son had Asperger\u2019s because I was afraid of what others would say and how they\u2019d treat him.\u00a0 I was afraid of what it might mean for him and his life.\u00a0 But avoiding the issue didn\u2019t make the Asperger\u2019s go away.<\/p>\n

I spent years avoiding telling my son about his diagnosis because I was afraid of how he might react, that it might be \u201cdevastating\u201d for him, and that I wouldn\u2019t know how to help him through understanding and dealing with it.\u00a0 But, eventually, we had to have the conversation, anyway.<\/p>\n

I spent years carrying all of that unnecessary fear, emotional stress, and useless worrying.<\/p>\n

And, in the end, he just felt special<\/strong><\/em>!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So, how does this relate to you and your relationship?<\/b><\/h4>\n

\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

Is there something in your relationship that you\u2019re not dealing with?<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Are there signs that the intimacy in your relationship is fading?<\/p>\n

Are you arguing more than you need to?<\/p>\n

Are you not connecting the way that you used to?<\/p>\n

Are you pretending that the problems aren\u2019t there?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Is there a conversation you\u2019ve been avoiding having?<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Are you afraid of what he might say or not <\/i>say?<\/p>\n

Are you imagining a worst-case scenario in your head that is keeping you from having a discussion that might actually help turn things around?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pretending that the problems are not there doesn\u2019t<\/em> mean the problems aren\u2019t there, nor is it helping to solve them.<\/p>\n

Avoiding having the conversation because you are afraid of how he might react or what might happen as a result isn\u2019t<\/em> solving anything either.\u00a0 It\u2019s just delaying the inevitable, and could actually be making things worse because of your unwillingness to deal with reality.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know it\u2019s going to take courage to see what you may have been unwilling to see and to say what you\u2019ve been afraid to say.<\/p>\n

Consider that what you are imagining may be ten times worse than what actually ends up happening.<\/p>\n

And consider that having the courage to confront reality and deal with what there is to deal with now may save you years of dealing with unnecessary worry, fear, and heartache.<\/p>\n

If you need support with having a difficult conversation, contact us<\/span><\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n

We can help you gather your thoughts and communicate them in a way that will help you say what needs to be said and empower you to begin turning things around in your relationship.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to avoid things or pretend any longer, and you don\u2019t<\/i> have to face it alone!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions? Comments?\u00a0 Let us know below, we love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz Last week, my husband and I had a conversation we\u2019d been avoiding for years.\u00a0 It was something we knew we had to do.\u00a0 We\u2019d talked about having the conversation, mentioned it to others, and, still, months and years went by without us having it.\u00a0 Why? We were afraid of what it would […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,5,10,13,16,17,19,22],"tags":[35,36,42,57,59,63,68,70,79,87],"class_list":["post-3191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-autism","category-coaching","category-communication-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-intimacy-2","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-parenting-2","category-relationship-advice","tag-aspergers-syndrome","tag-autism","tag-communication","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-hope","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-parenting","tag-relationship-advice-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3191"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3191\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}