{"id":3364,"date":"2014-07-22T14:14:17","date_gmt":"2014-07-22T18:14:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/?p=3364"},"modified":"2014-07-22T14:14:17","modified_gmt":"2014-07-22T18:14:17","slug":"three-mistakes-that-can-cost-you-intimacy-and-how-to-fix-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/three-mistakes-that-can-cost-you-intimacy-and-how-to-fix-them\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Mistakes That Can Cost You Intimacy (and how to fix them)"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

\"couple<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Yesterday was my husband\u2019s birthday, and, at our house, I love making a big deal when it\u2019s someone\u2019s birthday by celebrating \u201cBirthday Week.\u201d\u00a0 During this week, the person gets to choose what we watch on TV, what we eat for dinner, and, basically is made to feel special all week long by everyone else in the house!<\/p>\n

Well, Sunday night, I almost ruined Birthday Sunday for my husband.\u00a0 The boys had misplaced the remote control for the TV (again) and were arguing about it in the playroom.\u00a0 It was already late and past their bedtime, so my honey and I were ready for our \u201calone time,\u201d so we could watch our shows and relax together.<\/p>\n

When I saw that my husband was getting upset at the boys for arguing, I jumped in to \u201chelp.\u201d<\/p>\n

(Mistake #1 \u2013 Offering Unsolicited Help:<\/strong> Stepping in \u201cto help\u201d without there being a need or a request for it. This sends the message that you feel he is incapable of resolving the issue on his own. Instead, trust in your partner\u2019s capability to resolve the situation himself.\u00a0 If he needs help, he\u2019ll ask for it. By the way..\u00a0he probably won\u2019t.<\/em>).<\/p>\n

The truth is that there really wasn\u2019t any reason for me to jump in to \u201chelp.\u201d My husband had the situation handled.\u00a0 I jumped in because didn\u2019t want him to be upset with the boys (especially<\/em> on Birthday Weekend) and I just wanted the arguing to stop.\u00a0 Now, even though these might be \u201cgood reasons\u201d for stepping in, had I stayed on the couch and allowed him to handle things, it probably would have been resolved right away.<\/p>\n

Instead, I jumped in and noticed that, the more I tried to \u201chelp,\u201d the more angry he was getting.\u00a0 At first I thought he was angry with the kids, but, in retrospect, I can see that he must have felt like I didn\u2019t trust him to handle the situation.<\/p>\n

I did an exercise I do with the kids that helps them to remember where they last saw and held something, and, the remote was found!<\/p>\n

(Victory #1 \u2013 Resolving the problem.<\/strong>\u00a0 This was short-lived, however, because of Mistake #2!)<\/p>\n

Now, if I\u2019d just left it at that, everyone would have felt happy, relieved, and the situation may have been over. However, for some reason<\/em>, I simply had<\/em> to make sure that I emphasized (rather loudly) that this <\/em>is what you should do when you can\u2019t find something.<\/p>\n

(Mistake #2 \u2013 Proving I\u2019m Right and You\u2019re Wrong:<\/strong> This is an ego-driven need to prove the other person wrong. While there may be a sense of \u201cvictory\u201d in having been \u201cright,\u201d essentially, there is no \u201cwinner\u201d in this situation because your partner is left feeling as if he\u2019s wrong or in some way \u201clesser than\u201d you.)<\/p>\n

Then, to prove my point further, as my husband was talking to the boys about them being responsible so that they don\u2019t lose things, I butted in again <\/em>to mentioned that things in the house don\u2019t get \u201clost\u201d; they simply get \u201cmisplaced.\u201d<\/p>\n

(Mistake #3 \u2013 Wanting to be \u201cRight\u201d AGAIN<\/em><\/strong>: This adds salt to the already-tender wound.\u00a0 By correcting or contradicting your partner, you once again disrespect him by pointing out how \u201cright\u201d you are.\u00a0 There is no demonstration of support or encouragement for your partner, which can leave him feeling upset and alone).<\/p>\n

Well, that did it.<\/p>\n

My husband yelled, \u201cOkay, things in the house don\u2019t get \u2018lost,\u2019 they are \u2018misplaced!\u00a0 Is that better?<\/em>\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Now he was in an official funk\u2026and so was I.<\/p>\n

I was upset at myself for getting involved, sending the message that he couldn’t handle a simple situation, and that I <\/em>was the one with the \u201cright\u201d solution.\u00a0 I saw how disrespectful and condescending I\u2019d been.\u00a0 I was ashamed and angry with myself, especially since that\u2019s not<\/em><\/strong> the way I am committed to treating my husband.<\/p>\n

I wish I could say that I immediately<\/em> apologized and that we were soon in a snuggly, blissful space, but that wouldn\u2019t be true.\u00a0 It took me a while to get to the point that I could forgive myself enough to apologize to him.\u00a0 I made a first attempt to apologize, but I have to admit that it wasn\u2019t very sincere.\u00a0 It came from a place of trying to \u201cfix\u201d things.\u00a0 I think he could tell, because he remained cold.<\/p>\n

A little while later, I noticed it was past midnight (we always try to be the first to wish the other a Happy Birthday). I moved closer to him on the couch, looked him in the eye, and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry I disrespected you, and I know you’re upset. I just want\u00a0to say \u2018Happy Birthday.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He leaned forward, we kissed, and I snuggled up next to him and said a prayer of thanks. (smile)<\/p>\n

In the past, I wouldn\u2019t have apologized. I would have made it seem like it was not such a big deal and then made him wrong (again) for not forgiving me right away.\u00a0 Now, even when it’s hard, I choose to apologize \u2013 because that\u2019s something I\u00a0can be responsible for \u2013 and give him space to work through his own feelings.<\/p>\n

(Victory #2: Sincerely Apologizing.\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s not always easy to admit when you\u2019re wrong. However, if you can put aside your pride and realize that what\u2019s more important than being right, staying angry, or pretending like nothing happened is restoring the intimacy in the relationship, then you also recognize that it\u2019s really a small price to pay.\u00a0 And now <\/em>you\u2019ve got a win-win situation going!)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Having a loving and intimate relationship isn\u2019t about perfection. You may not always say or do the right things.<\/p>\n

So what can you when you\u2019ve made a mistake that impacts the closeness and connection in your relationship?<\/p>\n

You can continue to focus on becoming your best self.<\/p>\n

You can forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness along the way for those times when you don\u2019t reflect the best side of yourself.<\/p>\n

And you can recommit to restoring intimacy in your relationship.<\/p>\n

In doing all of these things you can be confident that you are on the path to creating the happy, loving, intimate relationships your heart truly desires.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Questions? Comments? Let us know below! \u00a0We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz Yesterday was my husband\u2019s birthday, and, at our house, I love making a big deal when it\u2019s someone\u2019s birthday by celebrating \u201cBirthday Week.\u201d\u00a0 During this week, the person gets to choose what we watch on TV, what we eat for dinner, and, basically is made to feel special all week long by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,15,16,17,19,21,22,23,24,25,1],"tags":[34,42,52,56,57,63,68,70,79,87,105],"class_list":["post-3364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-coaching","category-communication-2","category-dating-2","category-forgiveness-2","category-gratitude-2","category-hdi-blog","category-hearts-desire-international","category-heartache","category-infidelity","category-intimacy-2","category-loss-of-a-spouse","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-parenting-2","category-relationship","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","category-self-love-2","category-sex","category-uncategorized","tag-arguments","tag-communication","tag-forgiveness","tag-happiness","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-parenting","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3364","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3364"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3364\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3364"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3364"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3364"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}