{"id":5492,"date":"2017-06-21T15:00:40","date_gmt":"2017-06-21T15:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/?p=5492"},"modified":"2017-10-01T04:07:01","modified_gmt":"2017-10-01T04:07:01","slug":"why-we-need-to-talk-is-like-the-kiss-of-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/why-we-need-to-talk-is-like-the-kiss-of-death\/","title":{"rendered":"Why “We Need to Talk” is Like The Kiss of Death!"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Gladys Diaz<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re anything like me, but, when I feel there is a problem, I like to do anything I can to resolve it as quickly as possible.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

This problem-solving skill serves me well when it comes to helping my clients get through difficult situations in their love lives and relationships.\u00a0 It\u2019s also served me well as a businesswoman.<\/span><\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t, however, always serve me well when it comes to my relationship with my husband.<\/span><\/p>\n

See, what many women don\u2019t realize is that while women\u2019s brains are <\/strong>wired <\/strong><\/em>to almost instantaneously think, feel, and say what we are thinking and feeling, men\u2019s brains are not. In fact, the female brain has 7 areas that connect feelings, emotions and words, while the male brain has 2 areas that are wired in this manner.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Now, that doesn\u2019t mean that woman are any better or smarter than men. Our brains are wired differently for a reason.<\/span><\/p>\n

Think about it\u2026 Men, at their origin, were hunters. If they did not kill the prey, the entire tribe would go hungry and die.\u00a0 They had to have laser-like focus.\u00a0 Feelings and emotions could not cloud their judgment. They had to think about one thing and one thing alone: getting food for the tribe.<\/span><\/p>\n

The reason it\u2019s important to know and understand this is because, if you\u2019re like many women, when there is an issue concerning your relationship, you want to \u201ctalk\u201d about it, and you want him to want to talk about them NOW!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Your man, on the other\u00a0 hand, may not want or be able to talk about it right at this moment, and, again, if you\u2019re like many women, you may find yourself making this mean something about him and how he feels about the relationship.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For example, you may think to yourself:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If he really cared about me or us, he\u2019d want to resolve this as soon as possible.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

He obviously cares more about his work (or whatever he is doing) than me.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

This relationship is clearly not a priority for him.\u00a0 Otherwise he would drop what he was doing and deal with this NOW.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sound familiar?<\/span><\/p>\n

I know it does to me!<\/span><\/p>\n

In the past, when there was a problem in our relationship, I would want to discuss it, right here, right now, and then be shocked<\/em> when my husband would say, \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about this right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Then things would go something like this:<\/span><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (In my head<\/em>) What? Doesn\u2019t he see how important this is?\u00a0 Clearly he doesn\u2019t see how important this is!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (Out of my mouth<\/em>) But we need to discuss this.\u00a0 It\u2019s important.<\/span><\/p>\n

Him:<\/strong> I get that it\u2019s important, but I don\u2019t want to talk about it right now.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (In my head<\/em>)\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe he doesn\u2019t care about us!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Then I would proceed to keep emphasizing how important this was and how we needed to talk and how it couldn\u2019t wait, and (you get the picture)\u2026 until, finally, he would blow up at me and storm out of the room, and then I\u2019d really <\/em>feel as if he didn\u2019t care!<\/span><\/p>\n

And that would lead to hours (and, sometimes, days) of stone-cold silence, anger, and unnecessary pain \u2013 for both<\/em> of us.<\/span><\/p>\n

The truth is that he did <\/em>care.\u00a0 He does <\/em>care. (And so does your guy!)<\/span><\/p>\n

What happens, is that men need a little more time to process the information, especially when a slew of emotionally-charged information is being thrown at them.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

What\u2019s happening when your guy is not ready to talk about something is that he is \u00a0processing<\/em> the information he\u2019s been given, or he is focused on something else that is important (not necessarily \u201cmore important\u201d than you, which is what you may be making it mean), and he needs some time to process and get his thoughts together so that he can focus on the issue at hand before he can talk about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, what do you do when there is something you want to discuss and your guy isn\u2019t ready to talk <\/strong>right now?<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

1. \u00a0Respect his preference.<\/strong>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

I know it\u2019s hard. This one can still be hard for me.\u00a0 Even this past weekend, my husband had to repeat to me that he didn\u2019t want to talk about something before I could hear him.\u00a0 In the past, I would get upset because I felt ignored and uncared for.\u00a0 Now, I get that when he\u2019s saying he doesn\u2019t want to talk and I keep pressuring him to talk, he\u2019s also <\/em>feeling ignored and unheard, and this means that any conversation that takes place right then and there is probably not <\/em>going to lead to a resolution.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

2. Remind yourself that \u201cnot now\u201d does not<\/u> mean \u201cnever.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

One of the reasons I would panic and keep insisting on getting my husband to talk was because I feared that we would \u201cnever\u201d discuss it, and that worried me.\u00a0 That fear and anxiety triggered my need to try to control the conversation (and him), which just led to him resisting the conversation (and me) even more.\u00a0 Now I remind myself that \u201cnot now\u201d actually means \u201clater,\u201d not<\/u> never, which helps me to calm down, step back, and allow both of us space to calm down and gather our thoughts so that, when we do <\/em>talk, it leads to a win-win for us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I will also say something like, \u201cI understand that you don\u2019t want to talk right now, and I respect that.\u00a0 Please know that I\u2019m here when you\u2019re ready to talk.\u201d <\/em>Sometimes we\u2019ll even set a time to talk (after the kids go to bed, for example) so that we know that the conversation will<\/em>, indeed happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

3. Focus on something else.<\/strong>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve found that focusing on something else \u2013 like going for a run, reading a book, playing a \u201cmind-numbing\u201d game on my phone, listening to something inspirational, or drawing \u2013 help me busy my mind so that I\u2019m not hyper-focused on when the conversation will happen or what it will be like.\u00a0 By taking care of myself and my needs, I can control the only side of things that is ever mine to control: me<\/em><\/strong>. This allows me to relax, feel empowered, and not come from an emotionally-charged place when we finally do have the conversation.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

4. Talk to <\/strong>someone<\/strong><\/em> else.<\/strong><\/em> \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Talking to someone else<\/em> \u2013 a girlfriend, sister, or your relationship coach \u2013 is also a great way to sort and work through your thoughts and feelings before speaking with your guy. Now, I will add a caveat here.\u00a0 It\u2019s important that you be very selective <\/em>when you choose who you are going to talk to about your relationship.\u00a0 Make sure that it is someone who is standing for your relationship to work, not <\/strong><\/em>someone who is going to bash your guy, take your side, or give you relationship or communication advice that is not for your highest good.\u00a0 If your friend is not <\/strong><\/em>in a happy, loving relationship, she may not be the best person to turn to.\u00a0 You want to share with someone who is going to love and support you and <\/strong><\/em>have you show up in your best light.\u00a0 This is where having a good relationship coach can make all the difference.\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Otherwise, you\u2019ll just be getting \u201cadvice,\u201d and advice is usually shared from the other person\u2019s own fears and doubts, as well as her patterns. \u00a0Coaching, on the other hand provides you with the exact steps you can take to speak with love, be fully in your power, and seeking a win-win solution.That way, when you finally do have the conversation, you are not just talking about <\/em>something that happened or needs to be resolved, but you are talking for <\/em>something (resolution, peace, and the highest good for both of you in the relationship).<\/span><\/p>\n

I know it\u2019s not always easy to hit the \u201cpause\u201d button and not resolve something that is on your heart and mind.Uncertainty can trigger fear and sometimes fear gets the best of us and begin trying to push to try to get something to happen, rather than stepping back and allowing things to come together peacefully and naturally.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, I promise you that if you follow these 4 steps, not only will that eventual conversation be a lot more peaceful, but you will also feel so much more empowered and connected to your guy when you know that you are coming together at the right time as partners seeking the best outcome, versus \u201cenemies\u201d seeking to prove their own point or get their own \u201cwin.\u201d \u00a0Because, by default, when only one person \u201cwins\u201d in a conversation or argument, the other person must \u201close.\u201d And, where there is true partnership, a win-win is always <\/em>the best outcome.<\/span><\/p>\n

So\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Take a deep breath\u2026<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Take a step back\u2026<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Follow these steps\u2026<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. And reach out to me if you have any questions or want some support regarding having more loving, peaceful, and connected communication with your partner. \u00a0You can either<\/span> send me an email<\/strong><\/a><\/span> or<\/span> click here to schedule time to talk<\/strong><\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    by Gladys Diaz I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re anything like me, but, when I feel there is a problem, I like to do anything I can to resolve it as quickly as possible. This problem-solving skill serves me well when it comes to helping my clients get through difficult situations in their love lives and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5497,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6,10,16,17,22,1],"tags":[34,42,47,57,59,63,68,70,87,105],"class_list":["post-5492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication-2","category-dating-2","category-hearts-desire-international","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship-advice","category-uncategorized","tag-arguments","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-hope","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationship-advice-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5492"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5492\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5497"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}