{"id":698,"date":"2012-09-21T02:47:58","date_gmt":"2012-09-21T02:47:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/heartsdesireintlblog.wordpress.com\/?p=698"},"modified":"2017-02-28T18:34:34","modified_gmt":"2017-02-28T18:34:34","slug":"oops-he-did-it-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/oops-he-did-it-again\/","title":{"rendered":"Oops! He Did it (Again)!"},"content":{"rendered":"

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I find that, many times, a common theme emerges among the women I coach.\u00a0 They are in different parts of the world, in different stages of relationship \u2013 from being single, to dating, to being a newlywed, to having been married for decades \u2013 and, yet, it often happens that wherever they are, they are experiencing similar situations.\u00a0 One of this week\u2019s common themes has been that of dealing with disappointment.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all experienced, it (or some version of it), right?<\/p>\n

He said he\u2019d call, and he didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

He said he was going to do something, and he didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

You told him you\u2019d love to go dancing, and you find yourself sitting in front of the TV\u2026 again.<\/em><\/p>\n

He forgot your birthday or anniversary.<\/em><\/p>\n

It happens. No matter how wonderful or how perfect for a person is for you, he is bound to do something that will leave you feeling disappointed.\u00a0 Why?<\/em> Because, like you, he\u2019s not perfect, and it\u2019s likely that, every once in a while (at least), he\u2019ll do something that you wish he hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

So, how can we deal with these disappointments in a way that doesn\u2019t negatively impact the intimacy in the relationship and leaves us feeling empowered?<\/p>\n

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  1. Avoid making what he did mean something about the way he feels about you<\/strong>.\u00a0 If he\u2019s a good guy and he usually demonstrates that love and makes you feel cherished, don\u2019t make the fact that he didn\u2019t call or text you during the day mean that \u201cthe passion is gone,\u201d he doesn\u2019t love you anymore, or he\u2019s just being a jerk.\u00a0 Maybe he did forget or he felt he was too busy to call. \u00a0The fact is that, if every other piece of evidence in your relationship points to the fact that he loves you, you might just want to choose to let it go (and, yes, it is a choice!).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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    1. Avoid \u201creprimanding\u201d him or telling him what he \u201cshould\u201d do.<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s a fact: Men do not want to marry or make love to their mothers.\u00a0 Whenever we take a condescending stance and try to \u201cteach\u201d or tell our husbands and boyfriends what to do, we become \u201cmotherly,\u201d and, to a man, that simply isn\u2019t attractive.\u00a0 Rather than scolding or telling him what to do, focus on sharing how you feel.\u00a0 The way to do this is to just focus on how you are feeling<\/em>, not on what he <\/em>did.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      For example, instead of saying, \u201cNext time, maybe you should call me before you decide to go to happy hour with your friends,\u201d <\/em>you would say something like, \u201cI was worried because it was getting late,\u201d <\/em>or \u201cI was really looking forward to seeing you.” <\/em><\/p>\n

      \u00a0<\/em>Instead of saying, \u201cI was upset because you<\/span> didn\u2019t call me,\u201d <\/em>you would say, \u201cI was sad that I didn\u2019t get to hear your voice.\u201d <\/em>In each of the second statements, you\u2019re focused on what you are feeling, not on what he did or didn\u2019t do.<\/p>\n

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      1. Remember that you<\/span> get to choose how to respond. <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m the first to admit that I\u2019m not always at my most gracious when I\u2019m disappointed about something.\u00a0 I\u2019m human and my first instinct is usually to \u201cpersonalize\u201d what happened and make it all about me.\u00a0 However, I also have learned that I\u2019m not a victim of my circumstances or of my husband\u2019s choices or behaviors.\u00a0 I no longer (it wasn\u2019t always this way) excuse my outbursts or fits of anger on the \u201cseverity\u201d of the transgression.\u00a0 I really do try to think about how it is that I\u2019m going to respond.\u00a0 Am I going to \u201cpunish\u201d him by being bitter and cold and shutting down, or am I going to be gracious and forgiving?\u00a0 Am I going to \u201crighteous\u201d and point out how \u201cwrong\u201d he was, or am I going to be compassionate and remember that I make mistakes all the time, <\/em>too? I get to choose.\u00a0 And that is so much more empowering than being at the effect <\/em>of everything that happens in my relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        The bottom line is that, if we\u2019re going to date or be in a relationship or marriage with someone, the majority of us want that to be a peaceful, blissful experience.\u00a0 And, even when we attract into our lives the man who is perfect for us, he\u2019ll come with some imperfections \u2013 we all do.\u00a0 So, if he forgets something, says something we wish he hadn\u2019t, or does something that we think is \u201cwrong,\u201d we can make a big deal about it, have that mean he doesn\u2019t really love us (in spite of all of the insurmountable evidence that he does), and chastise and belittle him, all the while justifying our behavior and calling it \u201cexpressing my feelings\u201d\u2026 OR we can choose to be gracious, allow him the space to be human, and respond in a way that leaves us feeling empowered and with our dignity intact!<\/p>\n

        As I said earlier… Intimacy, happiness, and peace are always<\/em> a choice!\u00a0 And you<\/span> get to choose!<\/p>\n

        Have questions or comments you\u2019d like to share?\u00a0 Share them below! We\u2019d love to hear from you!<\/p>\n

        Photo credit: ktpupp<\/a> via photopin.com<\/a> cc<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        I find that, many times, a common theme emerges among the women I coach.\u00a0 They are in different parts of the world, in different stages of relationship \u2013 from being single, to dating, to being a newlywed, to having been married for decades \u2013 and, yet, it often happens that wherever they are, they are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9,16,17,21,22,23],"tags":[31,42,47,57,68,70,88,90],"class_list":["post-698","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hdi-blog","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-advice","tag-communication","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationships","tag-romance-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=698"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=698"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=698"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=698"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}