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Over the past few weeks, I\u2019ve received several requests to write a blog post specifically for single ladies who are still looking to attract the man who is right for them.\u00a0 The request usually comes in the form of a complaint stating that there \u201care no good guys out there,\u201d or that they are all \u201ceither married, gay, or way too young.\u201d\u00a0 On a planet with over 6 billion people, about half of which are male, and then about another half of those being unmarried and heterosexual, that leaves roughly about 1.5 billion guys out there who are available.\u00a0 Let\u2019s say that only half of those are \u201cgood guys.\u201d\u00a0 That still leaves 75 million good and available men.\u00a0 And you only need 1, right? Chances are he\u2019s out there!<\/p>\n
When I work with a single woman, one of the first questions I ask her is what she wants in a relationship.\u00a0 Ninety-nine percent of the time, she will immediately begin describing the man with whom she would like to be in a relationship. Usually, I\u2019ll hear a \u201cchecklist\u201d of qualities (criteria) that the man must meet \u2013 like his height, age, body type, education, salary, and type of job (including how much time he must have available to spend with her).\u00a0 I have to interrupt her at some point and clarify that she\u2019s not answering the question I originally asked her. Our conversation goes a little like this:<\/p>\n
Her:<\/em><\/strong> What do you mean? I thought you asked me what I want in a relationship.<\/em><\/p>\n Me: <\/em><\/strong>Right, I asked you to tell me what it is that you want in a relationship.\u00a0 In other words, what do you want to experience in a relationship?<\/em><\/p>\n Her: <\/em><\/strong>Oh! Sorry. What I want to experience is a relationship with a guy who is\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Again, I have to stop her.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t the question.<\/p>\n At this point, she is usually a little confused (and irritated), and I\u2019ll explain that what I\u2019m asking her to do is describe what she wants to experience<\/em><\/strong> in the relationship.<\/p>\n What do you want to feel<\/strong> in that relationship? What are the words that would describe that experience?<\/em> Is it peace, partnership, transparency, romance, passion?\u00a0 What do you want the relationship<\/strong> \u2013 not the man \u2013 to be like?<\/em><\/p>\n Why is it that \u00a0we want to take the focus off of \u201cthe guy,\u201d if the whole purpose of the coaching session or workshop is to attract and marry the man who is right for you?\u00a0 Well, because, until you are clear<\/em> about what you want to experience in a relationship, you probably won\u2019t recognize that you\u2019re in it!<\/p>\n Too many times, women focus on a man\u2019s physical characteristics, finances, education or work experience when they are thinking about being in a relationship.\u00a0 If you ask them, they\u2019ve dated guys who are their \u201ctype\u201d before. So, why didn\u2019t it work out?\u00a0 Well, because \u201cthe checklist\u201d \u2013 that insurmountable list of criteria that completely obliterates any chance a very large portion of the \u201cgood\u201d available men has of even approaching <\/em>you \u2013 has very little to do with the type of romance<\/em><\/strong> a you want to experience.<\/p>\n Think about it.\u00a0 If your checklist includes that he needs to be at least 6 feet tall, with brown hair, and light brown eyes, what in the world does that have to do with how honest he will be with you?<\/p>\n How will the amount of education or the number of degrees he has impact his ability to hold you during your darkest times?<\/p>\n How does the amount of money he has in the bank affect his ability to make you laugh until you\u2019re both crying?<\/p>\n What does the type of car he drives have to do with the way he looks at you and how he can make you feel like you are the only two people in a crowded room?<\/p>\n Short answer: None of these things have anything <\/em>to do with the type of relationship your heart desires!<\/p>\n The checklist, while on the surface may seem is just a list of desired characteristics, is actually more like a suit of armor that women use to protect ourselves.<\/p>\n Protect ourselves?\u00a0 From what? \u00a0Men?<\/em><\/p>\n No.\u00a0 We use the checklist to protect ourselves from our own fears.\u00a0 What we are afraid will <\/em>happen or won\u2019t <\/em>happen.\u00a0 What we are afraid we deserve or are unworthy of.\u00a0 What we are afraid is not good or lovable enough about ourselves.\u00a0 The checklist actually has nothing<\/em> to do with him and everything<\/em> to do with us, how we see ourselves, and what we feel we can have in a relationship!<\/p>\n So, what are some of those fears for which the checklist provides protection?<\/p>\n Well, if I\u2019m afraid of having to struggle financially or having to financially support a man who is not capable of taking care of me, then I\u2019ll make sure he makes a lot of money \u2013 or at least more than I do.<\/p>\n If I\u2019m afraid that I\u2019ll end up married to someone who isn\u2019t capable of making good choices, then I\u2019ll make sure I marry someone who at least got his Bachelor\u2019s degree, because then I\u2019ll know he\u2019s \u201csmart.\u201d<\/p>\n If I\u2019m afraid that there\u2019s something about me that\u2019s not good enough or lovable enough, then I\u2019ll make sure he\u2019s at least close<\/em> to being \u201cGreek God\u201d material, because, if a guy that good looking is even interested in me, then I must be lovable, right?<\/p>\n If I\u2019m afraid that we won\u2019t have anything to talk about, then I\u2019ll make sure that we have the same political, religious, and moral views, because then at least we\u2019ll agree on most things.<\/p>\n Now, I\u2019m not<\/strong> saying to drop your standards, deny your values, or to go date someone who reminds you of Quasimodo. So, if that\u2019s what you\u2019re hearing, you can relax (smile)!\u00a0 All I\u2019m saying is to consider that, perhaps<\/em>, those \u201cqualities,\u201d \u201ccharacteristics,\u201d or \u201cstandards\u201d may be covers for something else:\u00a0 A way of keeping you \u201csafe.\u201d\u00a0 Safe from heartbreak, disappointment, boredom, or anything else you are afraid may happen if a guy doesn\u2019t meet a specific criteria or item on your checklist.<\/p>\n So, if you throw away the checklist, then how will you know you\u2019re with the man who\u2019s right for you?\u00a0 I\u2019ll address that in my next post.\u00a0 For now, however, I invite you to do an exercise. Look down your list (my experience tells me it\u2019s probably written somewhere and may even be posted somewhere online) and next to each item, see if you can identify what the fear behind that item is.<\/p>\n Expect some resistance.\u00a0 Expect the little voice in your head to go nuts justifying and rationalizing why that\u2019s an important thing to keep on the list.\u00a0 Expect that little voice to call me a few names, too.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 That little voice is just afraid. She doesn\u2019t like being vulnerable. \u00a0Just quiet her down long enough to at least consider<\/em> that there may be something to what I\u2019m saying.\u00a0 I\u2019m here for you if you need some help quieting her down. (smile)<\/p>\n Feel free to post your questions, comments, or ideas for future posts below.\u00a0 We love hearing from you!<\/p>\n Notebook photo credit: net_efekt<\/a> via photopin.com<\/a> cc<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Over the past few weeks, I\u2019ve received several requests to write a blog post specifically for single ladies who are still looking to attract the man who is right for them.\u00a0 The request usually comes in the form of a complaint stating that there \u201care no good guys out there,\u201d or that they are all […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9,16,17,21,22,23],"tags":[31,40,47,57,63,68,70,88,90,105],"class_list":["post-804","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating-2","category-hdi-blog","category-love-2","category-marriage","category-relationship","category-relationship-advice","category-romance","tag-advice","tag-checklist","tag-dating","tag-hearts-desire-international","tag-intimacy","tag-love","tag-marriage-2","tag-relationships","tag-romance-2","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=804"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/804\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heartsdesireintl.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}