by Gladys Diaz
How do I know if he’s “The One?”
Talk about The Million-Dollar Question! This is probably one of the most common questions I get from women and men alike! Frankly, I don’t think there is a person out there – single or otherwise – who hasn’t asked him- or herself how they’ll know if they are choosing the right person to love.
Why? Well, it goes beyond inquiring minds wanting to know. It’s more about beating hearts wanting to stay “safe.”
Whether we’re talking about health issues, making business decisions, and, in this case, deciding with whom we’ll choose to share our lives, we want to know that we are making “the right choice.” We want to be sure that, if we’re going to open our hearts to someone else, there will be some type of guarantee that he will love us in return, that we won’t get hurt, and that we won’t wake up one day wondering what happened and regretting having made that choice.
The truth is that there simply aren’t any guarantees when it comes to love. The only reason this is true is because being in a relationship involves two people, and you can only control what one of those people does: namely, you. There’s no way to control what the person on the other side of the relationship will do or say, the choices he will make, and whether or not he will honor the promises he’s made. And this terrifies us.
For many, this seems like it’s simply too risky, and they’ll choose to hold back, play it safe, and, unfortunately, miss out on the experience of loving and being loved. And, I’ll tell you, as big as the risks may seem, the benefits of being in a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship far outweigh the risks! But you’ve got to be willing to take the risk!
So, how do you know if he’s the one? The answer to that begins and ends with YOU!
Here are some questions you can ask yourself when determining whether the guy you’re with is the right one for you.
- What do I want? Are you so clear about what you want to experience in a relationship that you will know when you’re experiencing it and when you’re not? Only you can know when something feels right for you, so make sure you know what it is that you want so that you don’t settle for what you think you can get. Get really clear about what you want so that you can create that with the man who you choose to be your One.
- How do I feel when I’m with him? Too many times, when we’re dating or in a relationship, we’re either somewhere in the past (trying to avoid or recreate something) or we’re in the future (imagining what it could be like). The problem is that, when you’re not here, in the present, you miss red flags, positive signs, and experiences that, were you present, you’d be able to recognize and use that information to determine whether or not this is the person with whom you’d like to share your life. Check in and ask yourself how you feel.
- Do I feel safe, loved, and special?
- Do I feel like he includes me in his life?
- Do I feel connected to him on an emotional and spiritual level, or is the only time I feel connected when we’re being physically intimate?
- Who am I when I’m with him (and when I’m not)? Do you feel safe being who you are when you’re with him? Is there a difference between the You you’re being when you’re with him and who your friends and family see? If you (or the people in your life) notice that you’re someone else when you’re with him, it could be that you don’t feel loved and accepted for who you really are. While pretending might be something you can do for a while, it can become exhausting. Plus, you want him to fall in love with YOU, and he can’t do that if you’re not there!
- What are the things I admire and respect about him? Yes, physical attraction is very important when it comes to choosing the person with whom you want to create a relationship. However, it’s also important that you respect and admire him as a man. Think about your values. Does he display the character traits you hold as valuable, such as integrity, honesty, compassion, and courage (or whatever they are for you)?
- Is this someone with whom I see myself sharing the rest of my life? It also helps to this as a choice you are making for life. So ask yourself:
Is this experience – exactly the way it is and exactly the way it is not — with this person – exactly the way he is and exactly the way he is not – one I would like to experience for the next 40, 50, 60 years?
If the answer is yes, then he may be you’re man! If not, maybe you need to take a little bit more time to get to know him. Or, if all the signs are pointing to the fact that you’re not having the type of experience you deserve and desire, it may be time to move on so that you can make room for the man who is going to want to create that experience with you.
Focusing on and tuning in to the only part of the relationship you can control – you – will help you have the clarity to see whether or not the man you’re with is the one you choose to be The One for you!
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