by Gladys Diaz
This weekend served as one of those filled with a bunch of teachable moments about what it takes to make relationships work. Call it hormones, sadness at seeing how quickly the summer came and went, or simply not choosing to be aware enough to make conscious choices, but I messed up. And it cost me.
See, one of the lynch pins that holds a relationship together is respect. For men, knowing that they are respected and appreciated by the woman they love is one of the most important things. Whether you choose to believe it or not, the man you love sees himself through your eyes. This is why when we criticize, complain, contradict, or correct them, the response we get is usually less than desirable. They don’t like seeing themselves as incompetent, incapable, or inadequate when they look into our eyes.
So, when I chose to respond to my husband with sarcasm, corrected the way he was driving, and then complained about not having help while cleaning the house, his response was not that of the tender, loving hero I’m used to. But, I wasn’t being the loving, respectful goddess he’s used to, either.
Choosing to be right about how to take a turn so that the fries wouldn’t spill all over the backseat sent the message that I didn’t think he knew how to drive and that he purposefully caused the fries to spill (really?). And making little comments under my breath (and not-so-under-my-breath) about how I was the only one cleaning the house did not inspire him or my two boys to gallantly offer to help me the way they usually do when I simply say, “I need help.”
Instead, these little digs led to an argument, which led to that uncomfortable and uneasy silence that I hate, and to wasting several precious hours that we could have spent just having fun together as a family on the last day of summer, which was what I really wanted.
At first, I was hurt and wanted to feel sorry for myself because of how angrily my husband had spoken to me. It’s always so much easier to see what the other person should and could have done differently. I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to be right.
However, once I got really clear about how my choice of words and my unwillingness to ask for help were costing me intimacy, I also got really clear that being right just wasn’t worth it to me. I’d much rather be happy than be right!
I also saw where I was responsible for the way things turned out. In this case, the culprits were my own ego and pride – not wanting to be vulnerable enough to ask for help, and choosing, instead, to make everyone around me wrong for not offering to help!
Putting pride first is not vulnerable, and without vulnerability, there simply is no possibility for intimacy.
Once I was willing to see this, I was also able to see all of the things that my husband had done during that day to help me – things I couldn’t see when I was focusing on everything that was “wrong” and on what he wasn’t doing. I stopped and allowed myself to feel the gratitude, and then I expressed the gratitude to my husband and apologized to him for speaking disrespectfully and not simply asking for help.
I wish I could say that everything went back to normal right away. Unfortunately, one of the prices for choosing to be right over being happy is that sometimes the other person may still be at the impact of your words or actions, and it may take a while for them to come around. It did take a little while, but I gave him the space to feel what he was feeling, and was happy that after we put the kids to bed, we watched one of our favorite shows together, and that, by the end of the night, I was able to kiss my honey good night, say, “I love you,” and hear, “I love you, too.”
See, spending time with my husband, letting him know how much I love him, and having him let me know he loves me, too – that’s what I’m committed to creating and experiencing in my relationship.
And, while I didn’t enjoy it at all, the experience served as a great reminder o,f why I’ve chosen to make the changes in myself that have helped me create the kind of marriage I always dreamed of: When it comes to choosing between being happy or being right, choosing intimacy is always the better choice and results in the loving, passionate relationship I really want!
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Hi Gladys:
Thanks for showing us your human side…you are amazing!
Elena
Thank you, Elena! Thankfully, having a great relationship isn’t about perfection, just the willingness to commit to becoming the best version of ourselves! 🙂
Thank you! Very heartfelt and helpful.
Thank you and you’re welcome, Jan!
I am definitely also learning this lesson the hard way! I must say, it is SO hard to stay mindful and present during EVERY interaction. And it is a 2-way street, too, isn’t it? How do you get BOTH people to be cooperative and mindful?? As often as possible? Ahhh! Feeling overwhelmed!
Thanks for commenting, Julie! While successful relationships are a two-way street, it is often necessary for one of the people in the relationship to be courageous, humble, and committed enough to the relationship to give up being right about both of them having to change and willing to do what they can to change their side of the relationship. It’s been my experience in working with hundreds of women, that when the woman in the relationship begins to make positive changes, the man naturally begins to respond to her by being more tender and loving toward her. It can be scary to wonder whether what you are doing is making a difference in the relationship, but if you stay focused on the fact that you are making the changes because you want to be in a happy, loving, intimate relationship, then, yes, you’re doing it for both of you, but mostly, and more importantly, you’re doing it for YOU!