by Gladys Diaz
I love your blog, I’m very happy I found it. The question I want to ask is, is it possible to find a man who is masculine AND a kind and loving person? I meet guys who are either feminine and don’t want to take the lead, or are masculine and controlling. I’m wondering whether it’s a case of choosing one or the other, so I need to decide what I’m prepared to compromise on. Neither option appeals, to be honest!
In my work with women, I’ve learned that, when there is a recurring pattern in the type of men they are meeting, it usually stems from a fear and/or a limiting belief they have about men, dating, relationships, and themselves. These fears and limiting beliefs will “color” the glasses through which they see men and will impact the experience they have of dating and relationships.
The interesting thing about your question is that you seem to be attracting polar opposites. So, my first thought when I read the question was: How do you define “masculine”?
Whatever the answer to that question is will determine how you see men.
For example, you mention that the “feminine” man is one who doesn’t want to take the lead. Given that interpretation, when a man asks you what you like or prefer or where you’d like to go, you might see him as being indecisive, unassertive, or unable of making a decision. However, given another perspective, you might see that this type of man is truly interested in you and wants to make sure he stands a shot at pleasing you and seeing you happy. In other words, he is being kind and loving, but, if your view is that he’s being “feminine,” you won’t see be able to see that.
You also describe a “masculine” as “controlling.” This means that, in your eyes, a man who does take the lead, makes decisions, and is assertive might be seen as overbearing or demanding. Given another perspective, however, this same man could be seen as one who is confident, assertive, and sure about his ability to please you. Again, he might be the most loving and kind man, but given the belief that each time he makes a decision he is being “controlling,” nothing he does will occur for you as loving or kind.
Can you see, that, given whatever your definition or interpretation of what a “masculine man” is or should be, you may sending out mixed messages?
Our fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves, men, dating, and relationships will determine the way we experience being with a man. These fears are completely past-driven, based on an experience we had in the past, and come up whenever we think that something will or will not happen.
So, some questions you can ask yourself are:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- Or, even more importantly: What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
These questions can be tricky to answer without the guidance coach, because our minds tend to want to protect us from seeing what’s really there, particularly if the fear or limiting belief was created as a result of a negative or traumatic event from our past. However, ask them of yourself, be willing to be 100% honest and transparent with yourself, and see what you are able to uncover.
Once you identify your fears and limiting beliefs as what they really are – thoughts – not “the truth,” but just thoughts – then you can choose to replace them with new thoughts. And, once you replace the old thoughts with new ones, you can now choose to see something different the next time a man asks you for your preference or makes a decision.
Thoughts create what we interpret as our reality, and our experience of dating and relationships are no exception.
Norman Vincent Peale could have very well been speaking to a woman about to go out on a date when he said, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
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