by Gladys Diaz

Gladys – How can I raise my self-esteem and so my future relationships are healthier and my standards are higher? I tend to start relationships and fall in love/care/get attached so quickly (although I hate to admit that) and it doesn’t matter whether the man is an appropriate mate or not. Most times I even know that he isn’t right or appropriate and think it’s ok because it’s just a “fling.” But, I always end up feeling very empty and rejected because it doesn’t pan out.

I would like to be brave enough to have high standards and also raise my self-esteem so all my relationships in life are improved upon. People don’t understand why I am single (I’m good looking, smart, nice, etc.), but I am weak when it comes to men and can let people take advantage because I am a pleaser.  Any suggestions?

Becoming too attached to a man is not very uncommon when it comes to dating, particularly if we feel very attracted to him.  Many times, that initial attraction or “chemistry” can lead us to want to make something that is just “a fling” or just “a date” into a relationship.  Trying to force something to be what it is not can be exhausting and disappointing in the end.

There are several things that you can do to help raise your self-esteem and begin to create more healthy and fulfilling relationships:

• Be clear about what you want to experience in a relationship.  Too often, women are so focused on simply being in a relationship that they forget about what they really want to experience in one.  They focus on who or what the man needs to be like – the criteria he must meet physically, financially, and educationally – that, when they find a man who meets that checklist, they’ll do everything they can to try to make him “The One.” Rather than focusing on him and what he needs to do or be, focus on what you want to experience – how you want to feel when you’re in a relationship.  When you focus on making the experience your priority, it will be crystal-clear to you when it’s time to walk away from a man that is not helping you create that experience.

•  Avoid getting physically intimate before there is a commitment.  This is especially important if what you desire is something more than just a fling.  When you rush into sleeping with someone before you’re sure that he’s someone with whom you’d like to have that type of emotional and physical bond, you always risk getting hurt.  Once those hormones kick in before, during, and after having sex, a bond is created and it’s almost impossible to see things clearly and as they actually are, rather than how we wish they would or could be.  This bond will have you stay with a man much longer than you would if you had waited to see if he was someone in whom you felt safe and comfortable making that type of physical and emotional investment.

•  Put your happiness first. No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. It’s important that you make yourself a priority even once you are in a relationship.  This means that you take responsibility for your own happiness, rather than expecting a man to make you happy.  It means that you are clear about what you want and deserve – which is to love and be loved fully and completely – so that you don’t settle for less.  Stop referring to yourself as “weak” when it comes to men and remind yourself that you are fully at choice regarding what happens when it comes to men and relationship.  You get to choose who to go out with. You get to choose how you allow yourself to be treated.  And you get to make choices that honor what you want to experience in a relationship.  No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it.  So, remember that it’s okay to say that something doesn’t work for you and to move on if the other person isn’t willing to honor that.

We have a lot more power than we give ourselves credit for when it comes to dating and relationships.  Take some time to look within yourself and see what it is that you want to experience in a relationship, what you are willing or not willing to compromise on regarding that experience, and begin putting yourself and your happiness first.  That will boost your confidence and you will begin to attract men to you who are willing and ready to honor and create that experience with you!

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net