by Gladys Diaz
What are some effective ways to communicate with my partner?
Ask almost anyone what the key to having an effective relationship is and they’ll say: “Good communication.” The issues in relationships come up when people’s definitions of what “good communication” is differ!
So, what are some ineffective ways of communicating and how can we turn them around so that both people in the relationship have the experience of being heard?
Ineffective Communication: Talking too much
For most women, talking comes easily. Studies have shown that women communicate more than men. Depending on which study results you read, women can sometimes speak anywhere from twice to as many as three times the number of words men say. Studies also show that most women also find it easier to communicate what they are feeling than men. This is why we tend to “over-talk” when it comes to issues in the relationships and then we’re upset when we see the glazed look on his face once he’s tuned us out.
Solution: Say it clearly, purely, and briefly.
Many times, when we begin talking about an issue in our relationships, we haven’t done the pre-work of actually getting clear about what it is we want to say. This is why we’ll begin saying too much – giving reasons, details, and explanations to try to clarify the message we’re trying to convey. Instead, get clear about what you’d like to say. Sort through your thoughts and ideas with a friend or family member you trust so that you can weed out any of the information that is not relevant to this particular situation or issue. In other words, ladies, remember this:
Men want to hear headlines and bullet points.
Ineffective Communication: Bringing up the past
You’ve probably experienced it at least in your relationship. You begin “discussing” an issue with your partner and, before you know it, one or both of you is bringing up things that happened last week, last year, or years ago. Now, the discussion (a.k.a. argument) is about ten things other than the original topic of conversation and the main objective has become trying “blame and shame” the other person into being the bad guy. This type of argument leads nowhere and creates a dynamic where it’s not safe to make mistakes and it’s difficult to trust one another when you say that you forgive your partner.
Solution: Leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
Holding onto and bringing up things that have happened in the past is an easy way to build resentment in the relationship. Instead, make it a point to leave the past behind you, where it belongs, and be intentional about focusing on the issue you’d like to resolve. If your partner is the one who brings up the past, resist taking the bait and respectfully let him know that you’d like to resolve this issue first. If done effectively, and you resist that argument, it’s likely that you won’t end up going back to that topic after this one has been discussed.
Ineffective Communication Style: Having to be “right”
Perhaps nothing is more damaging to a relationship than when one or both of the people involved is more committed to being right than to maintaining the intimacy in the relationship. The need to be right – to prove your point, convince or try to change the other person’s mind, and make the other person “wrong” – is one of the biggest intimacy killers! While it’s okay to have your opinion, it’s also important to remember that the person you’re in a relationship with has one, too! Doing everything in your power to try to make someone agree with you and what you’re saying without honoring what they are saying is disrespectful and exhausting!
Solution:
Saying how you think, feel and want are important. However, before you share any of those things, consider what your intention for communicating is. Is your intention to simply share your thoughts, or are you trying to convince or get agreement from the other person. Is your intention to simply share how you feel, or is it to make the other person feel badly? Is your intention to create intimacy in the relationship, or to be right? I often invite my clients to ask themselves the same two questions I ask myself before saying something to my husband:
1) Is what I’m about to say worth the intimacy it is going to cost me? If the answer is “yes,” then I’ll share what I want to say and be willing to accept that it may impact the intimacy in our relationship. If the answer is “no,” then I choose to let it go!
2) Am I more committed to being right or being happy?
The answer to these questions helps me determine whether I still feel the need to prove my point, or whether I am willing to allow for the possibility that maybe – just maybe – there’s another valid point of view and that I can simply to choose to accept and respect, even if I don’t agree with it.
Contrary to what most people believe, communication is not mainly about what you say. It’s also about how you choose to express yourself, and, even more importantly, being willing to listen to the other person. Arguing, disrespecting one another’s thoughts and opinions, and dominating a conversation are simply ineffective ways of creating intimacy, love, and respect in a relationship. Instead, seek ways to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that leaves both of you feeling, honored, appreciated, and heard!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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