by Gladys Diaz

There are few experiences in life that allow two people to connect on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level as they do when they are making love to one another.

Physical attraction is often referred to as “having chemistry.”  This is actually an accurate scientific term when you consider the fact that both men and women release a series of hormones during and after having sex and climaxing, including serotonin and oxytocin – also known as “the bonding hormone” – which is the same hormone mothers release while nursing and creates a bond between the mother and child.   What many people don’t know is that, while men are at the effect of oxytocin for a few hours, women can be at the effect of it for several days, which is why many women feel more bonded to a man after having had sex (a.k.a. “the clinging effect”!).

This is also why some women rush into having sex with or becoming physically intimate with a man in other ways long before they are emotionally ready to do so.  In an attempt to create a feeling of connection and intimacy with a man they are getting to know and are very attracted to, they may give in to the physical attraction and desires and experience a false sense of connection to him on an emotional and/or spiritual level.  If the man is not ready to commit or to at least agree to date her exclusively, she is then left feeling used, unfulfilled, and disappointed.

There is no question that when we begin to really like someone, our minds have a tendency to float into the possible future of what might happen, should things work out.  We want so much to experience the feeling of being loved, cherished, and desired that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that there are emotional consequences to moving too quickly or trying to force something to happen before we really know the person.  And, many times, a woman can be quicker and more willing to get in bed with someone to create this connection than she is to be emotionally vulnerable and allow him to see who she really is – all of who she really is.  This decision has tremendous consequences and can lead to having a string of lovers, but never truly experiencing the different phases of a real relationship, which is what her heart truly desires.

So, what are some steps women can take to protect themselves from causing and experiencing unnecessary heartache due to having sex with someone prematurely?

1.  Know what you really want.  If you know that what you want is to be in a loving, committed relationship, then stand for that.  Before you allow things to get too hot and heavy (because, let’s face it, these things never “just happen” — they build up), then honor that for yourself.  Don’t make the guy responsible for honoring that.  He wanted to have sex with you the moment he winked at you online or walked over to you and started a conversation.  You’re responsible for creating the life and relationship you want, so stand for that!

2.   Really get to know someone before getting sexually      intimate with him.  Yes, I know it’s 2013 and not 1913.  And, yes, I know it seems old-fashioned to tell someone that you’d like to wait before having sex, but this is your life and your heart we’re talking about.  If you know that sleeping with someone makes you feel connected to him emotionally, then just honor your desire to be in a committed relationship with someone before sleeping with him.

  3.  You don’t have to “lay down the law,” just don’t lay down with him! Don’t worry about telling him that you won’t have sex on the first, third, or sixth date in an effort to make sure he doesn’t try anything (P.S. He’s going to try.  Don’t take it personally, or take it as a compliment. Just know he’s going to try!).  This isn’t a topic that needs to be brought up ahead of time or in an effort to stop his advances.  When the situation arises, and before things gets out of hand, just let him know that you prefer to wait until you’re in a committed relationship.  That doesn’t mean he has to ask you to be his girlfriend or make a commitment to you.  He gets to choose, just as you do.  But let him know you’d like to wait… and then avoid putting yourself in a situation where you won’t.

 As modern an age as we live in, most women still want to be in a loving, committed relationship with a man who chooses them and only them.  If that’s what your heart truly desires, then own, embrace, and stand for that.  Just as sleeping with a man won’t make him commit to you, choosing to wait to sleep with a man won’t make him leave you.  And if a guy does choose to leave you because you say that you prefer to wait, be grateful that you learned of his willingness to commit to you early on in the relationship.  The bottom line is that you get to create the relationship of your dreams.  And you’ve got to be willing to stand for that and know that, not only are you deserving of all the love and intimacy your heart desires, but you are also worth the wait!

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