by Gladys Diaz

Some of the most common questions I get from women – whether they are single, in a relationship, or married — begin with the words, “How can I get him to…?”

Usually, the women are asking about how they can get their men to do more: How to convince their husbands to help more around the house, how to get their boyfriends to plan their dates, or their dates to move the relationship to the next level.

In each of these examples, there is something beneath the question that is not only driving the woman to doubt that her man will do these things, but, in many cases, is also driving her to take the reins and do them herself.

So, the frazzled wife will continue to resentfully do all of household chores, care for the children, and pay all of the bills herself. The girlfriend will continue making all of the plans for dates and vacations herself. And the single woman will continue to ask the man she’s dating where he thinks the relationship is headed, hinting that she wants more, and driving herself crazy wondering if he’s ever going to let her know whether he sees a future with her.

The underlying factor in each of these examples is FEAR.

When a woman I’m working with asks me how she can get her husband to help her more around the house and with the children, there is an underlying fear that he won’t and that all of the responsibility of managing the household and caring for the kids will fall on her shoulder.  So she begins complaining that he doesn’t help her, nagging him to help her (which only makes him want to help her less), reminding him about what he said he would do, and checking up on him to make sure he’s done it.  Eventually, when the waiting gets to be too much, or if she doesn’t want to deal with wondering whether or not something will get done, she just ends up doing what he said he would do herself.

If you ask her why, she’ll tell you that if she doesn’t do something, it just won’t get done.  What she doesn’t realize however, is that by doing it all, she’s actually sending the message that she doesn’t need help and perpetuating having to do everything by herself.  Even if she doesn’t do something, if she invests a lot of time and energy into reminding, checking up on him, and making sure things get done, she might reason that it’s just easier to do it herself.

Is any of this resonating with you?

Too many times we’re so afraid that something we want won’t happen – at least not in the time frame, manner, and to our standard of satisfaction – that we step in do it ourselves.  And while this may ensure that what we want gets done, we need to ask ourselves “At what cost?” If we are sacrificing our peace of mind, our level of joy, and the intimacy in our relationship by continuously nagging, being resentful, and feeling completely exhausted, is it really worth what it’s costing us to do it all ourselves?

If the answer is no – and I’m pretty sure it is – what can we do to get past the fear that is driving us to do everything ourselves?

1.       Trust.  Trust is one of the most essential elements in any relationship.  Prior to being in a relationship we had to depend on ourselves.  However, once we begin to create a relationship, we no longer have to be independent and we can move toward being interdependent.  As scary as it can be sometimes to trust that someone else will follow through and do what he said he would, by trusting him and then stepping out of his way, we allow him the space to do what he said he’d do while sending the message that we trust in his capabilities.

2.       Let Go.  Once you choose to trust him to do what he said he would, it’s important to release the urge to control by reminding checking up on, reminding, or “helping” him get it done. When you continuously check up on or remind him of what he said he would do, you’re sending the message that you don’t trust him to follow through, which can make him throw his hands up in the air and prove you right. During these times, remind yourself that he doesn’t need back up. If he does, he’ll ask… but he probably won’t.

3.       Focus on YOU. One way to help you avoid checking in and resist the urge to take over is to focus on yourself.  Rather than worrying about what he is or isn’t doing, focus on the one and only thing you can control: YOU.  Do something you enjoy – read a book, spend time with a girlfriend, take a long bath. The less time you spend reminding, supervising, and taking over, the more time you have to spend doing the things you enjoy.  This will have you feeling more peaceful, patient, and fulfilled – all attractive qualities and all ingredients of a happy relationship!

It’s not always easy to trust that the man we love or are interested in is going to do what he said he’d do.  When we’re in a relationship, however, learning to trust, let go, and focus on ourselves is critical to creating and nurturing a culture of partnership in a relationship.  The less you do, the more you’ll experience the joy and peace that comes with knowing that there is someone else who is ready and able to take care of you – if you’ll allow him to.

I know you are a capable woman. I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. I know that in the past you’ve had to rely on yourself to get things done.  I know because I’m just like you!  However, I also know that, while we can be independent, self-sufficient, and get things done ourselves, one of the great things about being in an intimate relationship is that we no longer have to!

Comments? Questions?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

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