by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating someone for a month and a half. We spend a lot of time when we are together, but do not communicate often when we are apart, which makes me feel a bit sad! How do I communicate to him that talking on the phone, checking in throughout the week is important to me, so that he can reach out to me more often, without driving him away?
I really like the way you are focusing on how you can communicate what you would like, rather than on what he needs to or “should” do. This is a great start, because, too many times, whether it’s at the beginning of dating or even further into the relationship, we begin to set expectations and make demands of the guy that can, as you mention, drive him away.
The first thing to keep in mind is that the two of you are just dating right now, which means you’re just getting to know one another (you’re not “in a relationship”). It sounds like you are enjoying the time you get to spend with him, which tells me that he’s treating you well and you are having fun (two very important aspects of dating!).
I hear that it makes you sad when you don’t hear from him throughout the week, and, given that you enjoy spending time with him, it’s completely understandable that you’d want to continue speaking with and getting to know him, even when you’re apart. I noticed that you said that you don’t communicate “often” when you’re apart, which leads me to believe that there is some communication, just not as much as you’d like.
When we express what we want or prefer, I always like to encourage women to present it as “an invitation,” rather than “an obligation.” An invitation lets him know, “I love it when you call me,” I enjoy talking to you, even when we’re apart,” and “Thanks for calling me! I have another reason to smile today!”
Contrarily, an obligation says, “You should be calling me during the week,” “I don’t get why you just can’t pick up the phone for a few seconds, just to say ‘hi,’ or “Why can’t you call or check in with me during the week?” The problem with the obligation is that it’s nothing short of a complaint and the underlying message is: “You did something wrong,” or “You messed up…again!”
So, can we express what we want or prefer without making him wrong for not doing it as often as we’d like?
- Focus on what he is doing to please you and receive his time and attention graciously. Thank him when he does something that pleases you. Let him know he made you smile. Guys like to know that they have something to do with the smile on your face!
- Say what you like or prefer without making demands or ultimatums. Saying something like, “I like hearing from you when we’re apart,” or even more simply, “I love hearing your voice,” sends the message that it pleases you when he calls you. Again, you’re presenting him with an invitation to call you more often.
- Let go of expectations. Too often, we have an idea in our mind of what things “should” look like and what the other person should be doing or saying. However, this is just our opinion, or our way of thinking about and seeing things. Of course, you always want to make sure that you feel safe and treated well when you’re dating or in a relationship with someone. However, be open to the idea that his way of communicating or expressing his feelings may be different from yours, and remind yourself that “different” does not mean it’s bad or wrong. It’s simply different.
Hope this helps, and let me know how it goes!
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