by Gladys Diaz
Did I make a mistake and marry the wrong man?
Recently I received a question from someone who was questioning whether she married the right man for her. They’d been married for a while, and, now that the honeymoon phase was over, she and her husband were beginning to notice things about one another that they didn’t like.
It’s not uncommon for couples to begin to notice things after they are married that they may not have noticed or allowed to bother them before. Sometimes, in the excitement of falling in love and planning a wedding, people are more willing to focus on the positive aspects of the person they love. Perhaps this is a practice that should continue year after year!
One of the first exercises I do when working with a woman who is complaining about her husband and the things that he does that are getting on her nerves is to have her tell me about the man she fell in love with. Regardless of how long they’ve been together or married, I ask her to rewind back to the time when they first met and tell me what it was about him that she found attractive and endearing. I ask her to describe him to me in the present tense, as if she just met him.
What’s interesting about this exercise is that, many times, the things she is now complaining about are the things that first attracted her to him. For example, if he was funny and the life of the party, she may be complaining that he doesn’t take things seriously. If he was responsible and serious, she may be complaining that he’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything exciting. If he used to treat her and buy her lots of gifts, now she’s complaining about him not managing their finances well.
Other times, she’s begun trying to get him to change some of his habits and behaviors. The problem with this is that no one appreciates being told what he/she should/shouldn’t do or hearing the message that there’s something about themselves that they need to change. Trying to correct, fix, or change our partners sends the message that the we don’t love and accept them exactly the way they are. What’s worse, it can cause the other person to begin to withdraw from the relationship – both physically and emotionally.
The reason I have the women I work with remember who they fell in love with is because that wonderful, loving man they chose to marry – the one they couldn’t imagine living the rest of their lives without – is still there. He’s just buried under a bunch of complaints and unmet expectations.
When we remind ourselves of why we chose to marry the man we love, we can bring the focus back to the reasons why he really is the right man for us and how we did make a good choice.
Does this mean that there won’t ever be things that we don’t agree with or like? No. Just because we join our lives together doesn’t mean we’re always going to see eye to eye. It doesn’t even mean that things won’t bother us from time to time. However, if we can choose to focus on the reasons why we fell in love with him, that may help us remember what a great guy he is and just how blessed we are that he chose to love us back!
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