by Gladys Diaz
This past weekend, my family and I went on a mini-vacation. During the weekend, I periodically checked my email, texts and Facebook. I wasn’t doing it to ignore or upset my husband or because I wasn’t enjoying the time I was spending with my family. It was partly out of “habit,” and primarily because I hate falling behind and having a ton of “stuff” to sort through when I return to the office after taking a few days off.
I had forgotten my phone in our vacation home when we left for the pool and went back to get it so that I could take some pictures of my husband and the boys. While sitting in a lounge chair by the pool, I read an email from a friend that I felt needed to be addressed right away, so I responded and forwarded a text message to some of my other friends who I thought could help. I think that was the last drop in the proverbial bucket for my husband, who asked very exasperatedly, “Oh, is that why you needed to go get the phone?”
His tone caught me off-guard, and, before I knew it, I immediately went into defense mode and said, “I didn’t say anything to you when you went for a jog by yourself this morning!”
What?!? Did I really just go there?
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how unloving and disrespectful I sounded!
Where is that blasted “Rewind Life” button when I need it most?
He then began to tell me that I had been emailing, texting, and Facebooking all weekend, and that we’d barely had a conversation. He said I was doing it when I was walking, standing in line, and sitting in the car. I wanted to respond that he was “wrong” and that I was an adult and did not need someone telling me when I could and could not communicate with the outside world. I wanted to defend myself some more and point out how he had been watching a show on Netflix every spare moment he had and how I was trying to help a friend, and… Well, I just really wanted to be right and prove that I wasn’t the only one doing something “wrong.” But, thankfully, this time, I chose to stop before speaking and that pause allowed me to listen to the heart message behind his words.
Behind his complaints and my perceived attempts at him trying to control me, I was able to hear my husband saying, “I just want to spend time with you.” When I took a moment to step aside (and hold my tongue), I was able to hear this message loud and clear! I’ll be honest. Part of me still wanted to be “right,” so I told him what was happening with my friend, and he immediately understood, which just let me see (again) just what an amazing and compassionate man he is (more heart message!).
In the next moment I had a clear choice. I could either choose to “prove” my independence and continue doing what I was doing, or I could choose intimacy, honor the heart message I was hearing, and having fun with my family. I chose to put aside my need to be right, put down my phone, , and jump in the pool with him and the boys. I apologized to my husband for the way I had snapped at him and for not being present during our family time. And we had a great time on the rest of our vacation.
Intimacy restored!
Sometimes, when our boyfriend or spouse “complains,” it may be that he’s trying to get our attention or point out something that he wants to communicate. It’s easy to go into “defense mode” and point out where he is making mistakes, too. But, if intimacy is what is important to us, then we need to be intentional about choosing it!
I could have remained righteous, ignored his complaint and kept doing what I was doing. I always have that choice. But, for me, having intimacy in my marriage and being happy is more important than being right. And rather than waste precious time together (between arguing, the cold war that comes afterwards, and then that awkward period of figuring out whether or not “we’re okay again”), I chose to listen to the heart message behind the message he was sending. And, because of that, I got to experience what I really wanted, which was a fun, joyful, and peaceful time with the man I love and the two little guys we created together!
To me, that connection is what it’s all about!
So, what about you? What do you do when it’s time to choose between being right or being happy? We’d love to read your comments!
photo credit: Camdiluv ♥ via photo pin cc
I’ve been trying to tune in to the heart message as well. The other morning I walked in to the kitchen from being at the gym. My husband was eating breakfast by himself. He said, in an angry tone, “you never eat breakfast with me any more!” Well, immediately I started thinking how unfair that was, not true, what difference does it make if I eat breakfast with you, etc. etc. But, fortunately, on this occasion, I held my tongue and realize that what he was really saying was that he missed me. So I walked over, gave him a kiss and a smile, and have been having breakfast with him (most of the time) ever since. I much prefer intimacy over being right. It is a hard habit to break but so worth it! We need to be quiet and listen with our hearts and not just our ears if we are going to hear his heart message. I hope to keep trying so that we have more and more intimate moments rather than silly, hurtful arguments. Surrendered Life in Atlanta, Lisa
Lisa, that is such a GREAT example of choosing intimacy over the desire to be right! Love it! And, the best part is that you not only know that he loves and wants to spend time with you, but you get to let him know “I hear you and I love you, too!”. Oh! And let’s not forget that you get to share breakfast with the man you love! 🙂
I so appreciate your candor … you set a great example. So many little things can be greatly misunderstood or misinterpreted in male/female communication.
Thank you, Maria! Thankfully, this journey is. It about getting it “perfect,” but about doing the best we can to create the relationship our heart desires! And, yes, we do often misunderstand or misinterpret what’s been said. But, once we become more committed to listening than we are to being heard, our level of understanding greatly increases! 🙂
Great reminder
I agree sometimes we forget what is really important!
Thanks, Jean! 🙂
Aw, the trick is to actually be still long enough to hear the heart message in the first place. I know I’m guilty of going down that “prove ’em wrong” path, even when it didn’t really matter to me in the least whether I continued doing what I was doing or switched to something else. I’ve got to do better.
Yes, Jean it’s taking a moment to think before speaking. In our workshops, we call this “using duct tape” to stop ourselves from saying what just popped into your head before it pops out of your mouth. Then, the next question to ask would be, “Is what I’m about to say worth the intimacy & happiness it’s going to cost me?” Usually, the answer is: No. 😉
I love how you called it his “heart message.” It’s so easy not to listen to it because we want to be right! I can definitely relate.
You’re right, Christine, it isn’t always easy to hear. But when we choose to listen, it makes all the difference! 🙂
Really enjoyed this post and your story!
Thank you, Margaret! Ad you enjoyed it!
Loved how you were able to ”reframe”, right in the moment! I always feel like it’s not till later that day or the next that I look back and smack my head and have to work a little harder to undo the damage–do, kudos for excellent role modeling!
Thanks so much, Jane! No smacking necessary! 🙂 It does take practice to become more aware before we say something, rather than after the fact. Getting into the habit of asking myself, “Is what I’m about to say worth the intimacy it is going to cost me?” is one of the best ways I’ve seen to raise the level of my own awareness.
WOW, such a good message in this post
Thank you! 🙂