by heartsdesireintl | Mar 11, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
“If he was the right guy for me, he would know…”
“If we were meant to be, I wouldn’t have to say…”
“We’ve been together long enough that he should know…”
These are some of the more common comments I hear from both single women and those in who are married or in relationships. For some reason, many woman associate being with the right man with his physic powers to just know what it is that she wants, is feeling, or prefers. Perhaps it comes from the fairy-tale belief that when things are meant to be, great things just happen, people just know, and there is very little that has to be said or done to make a relationship work.
The problem is that fairy tales are make believe! There isn’t a single great relationship on the planet that has “just happened,” without some type of effort, commitment, and the willingness to let the other person know what it is one likes, wants, feels and prefers!
In fact, not letting a man know what you desire is an almost sure-fire recipe for creating a lose-lose pattern in a relationship!
Setting Up a Win-Win Relationship
Whether you are just getting to know a man or you are already in a committed relationship with him, one of the ways to set up a win-win relationship is to share with him the things that you desire. Many of us shy away from this because we’ve been taught that saying what we want has us come across as selfish or “high-maintenance.” So, we go through life not having the things we want, which leads us to feeling unfulfilled, unhappy, and with a rather lackluster life! Another thing it can lead to is resentment when we begin to blame others, including the man in our life, for not having the things we want – even though there is no way they could nave know — unless we told them!
I have seen this happen many times, even before the first date takes place. A man will ask a woman out and then ask her what she’d like to do. Her response, “Oh, I don’t know. Whatever you choose is fine.” That is simply crazy! There are millions of possibilities for where a couple can go and what they can do on a first date. This man doesn’t know you yet and has no way of knowing whether you’d prefer seafood, dancing, skydiving, or going to a jazz concert. Even if your online dating profile indicates some of the things you like to do, he still would not know which of these would make a great first date with you, until you tell him what you would like! So, not being clear about some of the things you’d enjoy doing doesn’t really set him up to win on the first date and could lead to you mistakenly thinking he isn’t right for you if he doesn’t happen to guess correctly!
As the relationship progresses and you get to know one another better, it’s easy to fall into the trap that he should know what you want and like. However, it’s still important to let a man know what you like and prefer. Why? First of all, there is always something new to be discovered about the person you are with, even if you’ve been together for years. More importantly, however, the more a man cares for you, the more essential it is for to him to know that he is able to please you and that he has something to do with the smile on your face! That’s why it’s important that you let him know what you like, what you want, what you don’t want, and what would make you happy.
Telling Him What You Want is NOT Telling Him What to Do
Now, this doesn’t mean you are telling him what to do. That’s a completely different conversation, and one that won’t likely end happily, because men don’t want to be told what to do anymore than we do. Telling a man what you want and prefer is simply giving him information that sets him up to win. He still gets to choose whether he wants to buy you the red dress you saw in the store window, take you to have sushi instead of Italian food, or move to a bigger house that is closer to your family. And, while he has that choice and it’s important to respect and honor it, the great thing about men is that pleasing us is so important to them that, if they are good guys and there is a way for them to do it, they will usually go out of their way to please us.
That’s why letting him know what we want sets us both up to win in dating and relationships!
If you’d like to learn more about how to express your desires in a way that inspires a man, join us for our Relationship Coaching calls and webinars! We offer bi-weekly calls for ladies who are single, married, or in relationships, as well as a monthly relationship skill-building webinar. Click here to check out the different packages we offer!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Mar 8, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Men and women are different. I know. It seems like I’m stating the obvious. But think of how many times you’ve gotten upset, been disappointed, or complained that the guy you’re dating or in a relationship with doesn’t “get you,” doesn’t know how to communicate, or doesn’t react or respond the way you think he should?
Many times, we expect our guys to listen and respond to us like a girlfriend would. We want him to say and do just the right things; be able to listen for hours, if necessary, to every detail of the argument we had with a co-worker without jumping in and trying to fix it or tell us what we should do; know exactly what we’re thinking and how we feel; and we want him to do all of this within our timeline and according to our standards – Stat!
The problem is that most men won’t listen, act, or speak to us like our girlfriends. Why?
Because men are NOT bigger, more muscular, hairier women!
They are men!
So, what are some of the differences between men and women and what are some things we can do to help us date, communicate, and relate better with men?
1. Remember that “different” does not mean “wrong.”
We all have a way we prefer things to go. When it comes to men, women, and relationships, it’s important to remember that it’s our differences that played a factor in attracting us to one another. Just because he communicates or does things a little differently than you would, doesn’t mean he’s wrong. Being open to accepting and embracing your differences and considering alternate ideas and points of view can help make your relationship even better.
2. Remember that there’s another person on the other side of this relationship.
When we’re dating or in a relationship, we can spend a lot of time analyzing and judging what the other person is saying or doing to see if it fits with our idea of what an ideal partner should be. Too often, however, we forget that there is another human being on the other side of the relationship who has ideas, opinions, and feelings of his own. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything he says or does, just that you are willing to honor and respect those words, thoughts, and actions as his words, thoughts, and actions.
3. Remember that “unconditional love” is just that: Love without conditions.
It’s easy to think, “If he was the right guy for me, he would…” or “If he really loved me, he would…” In a relationship, those ultimatums or expectations can be a recipe for disaster. Consider that it’s quite possible that he is the right guy for you, even if he doesn’t dress, think, or speak the way you think he should. Consider that his love for you doesn’t need conditions or requirements to exist (it’s called “unconditional love” for a reason!). Be open to the idea that he’s an imperfect man who is absolutely perfect for you and be willing to let go of the expectations and conditions that limit how much love you are willing to give and receive!
There are many more ways that men and women differ and that we can deal with those differences in a way that doesn’t limit or restrict the way we date, communicate, and relation to the opposite sex. If you live in South Florida and want to be part of a fun and enlightening conversation about this topic, join us Saturday, March 9th for the Decoding the Opposite Sex Relationship Expert Panel and Mixer at PAX Miami. We’ll be answering questions submitted by singles and couples in our live audience and via Twitter (@HeartsDesireInt #sexesdecoded)! After the panel, two amazing bands playing: ARAKA and Spam Allstars! So, come on out, learn, dance, mingle and have fun! See you there!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Mar 6, 2013 | Dating, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“I don’t know how to say this without hurting your feelings. I think you’re being a hypocrite.”
Those were the words that I heard from my husband’s mouth last week. No matter how much spiritual and personal growth work I’ve done over the years, it was still difficult to hear my husband sharing how he felt about who I was being in our relationship.
As I write this, I want you to know that my hands are sweating and I’m asking myself whether I’m actually going to hit “Publish” after I finish typing. It’s not easy being this open and vulnerable and sharing what I call “the ugly side of my closet” (You know, the side people can’t see unless they really step in to look inside). However, I think it’s important to share this, because I don’t ever want to give the impression that having a great relationship means you never have to have the hard conversations, that you don’t mess up every once in a while, or that once you get to that great place, there’s no more work to do.
As I mentioned in my previous post on listening for the heart message, I believe it’s important that I practice what I preach. I believe one of the reasons my clients appreciate and get the results they get from the coaching I give is because they can see that I live what I’m teaching in my own life and I have the results I am promising they can have, too.
So, as I sat there listening to my husband tell me how he was feeling, I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t tell him how mean that statement was. I didn’t start telling him all of the things he could be doing to make the relationship better. No. I listened. And, as hard as it was to admit, I had to agree with him. I was being a hypocrite.
See, the month of February was very busy for me as a relationship coach. Throughout the month I had been making public appearances, speaking on TV and radio shows, and delivering training to the members of our group coaching calls on how to keep the intimacy alive in a relationship. All of this busy-ness had me working around the clock, staying up late – sometimes way after my husband went to bed – making calls, returning emails, and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Basically, I was not making time for intimacy – physically or otherwise – in my own relationship.
In essence, I’d forgotten to practice what I believe and teach my clients:
Having a great relationship is about making a daily commitment to love and honor the person I am with. It’s about creating partnership, intimacy, and workability every day. It’s about living out my wedding vows each and every day for a lifetime.
Does it take work to have a wonderful, loving, intimate relationship? Yes.
Does it have to be hard? No.
Am I perfect at it? Not by a long shot!
Is it worth the effort? Absolutely!
Having that conversation with my husband helped me in so many ways.
- It helped me see what I was doing (and not doing), the impact it was having, and what I could change.
- It helped me understand how important it is to make sure that I am making our relationship a priority, even when I’m busy.
- It helped me to see just how far my husband and I have come in our love and respect for one another and in our ability to have the tough conversations without them turning into an argument.
And, more than anything, it helped me realize just how committed we are to making this relationship work!
It wasn’t easy for my husband to tell me something that was upsetting him, but he cared enough to tell me and not let it eat away at him.
It wasn’t easy for me to hear what he had to say, but I cared enough to hear him without defending or justifying myself.
And it wasn’t easy to have the conversation, but it ended with hugs, kisses – and, yes, a few tears – as well as a promise to make things even better than they already are!
And, to me, that’s what it’s all about!
Is there a topic of conversation that is difficult for you and your partner that you’d like to learn how to discuss in a loving, peaceful, and respectful manner?
Click here to book a Love Breakthrough Session so that I can give you the step-by-step words and actions that will help you do just that!
Yes, having a great relationship takes work, but it doesn’t have to be “hard work.” Let’s talk and make having a loving relationship EASY!
Comments? Questions? Leave them below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Mar 1, 2013 | Dating, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week has been somewhat of a challenging one. I could feel that something was “off” in the way my husband and I were communicating and relating, and it bothered me. In the past, when my husband would get quiet or withdrawn, I’d keep badgering him about how we needed to communicate and talk and resolve our issues, even when it was clear that he didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to do that. My incessant nagging didn’t do anything to increase the communication or the intimacy, and would just lead to him getting angry, yelling something at me, which, in turn would have me dive head-first into “victim mode” and wonder why I ever chose to marry someone who could be so mean!
The truth is that the reason I wanted to talk about things now was because I felt uncomfortable sitting in that space where I couldn’t control when we would talk or know what was going on. I wanted to resolve the problem now and have everything be great again. However, badgering him to try to get him to talk to me wasn’t leading to having the type of conversation I wanted to have anyway, so I learned to let go of the need to control and just allow things to unfold naturally.
When my husband finally did tell me that he wanted to speak to me, I was scared. What was he going to say? Are we okay? What would have him be this quiet and upset? Again, I had to breathe, let go, and trust that, even if I didn’t like what he had to say, we were okay and we’d work through it somehow.
Sometimes we need to listen with our hearts as well as our ears.
Well, I was right. I didn’t particularly like hearing what he had to say. See, as a dating and relationship coach, I really do make every effort to practice what I preach. But that’s not always the case. I make mistakes. I say or do things I shouldn’t and sometimes I don’t say or do the things that I should. I don’t like admitting it, but it’s true. Having a great relationship is not about being perfect or always getting it right. It’s also about realizing that we, and therefore, our relationships, are works in progress. So I sat and listened to what he had to say and resisted the urge to defend myself or contradict him. And, as he spoke, I listened for his “heart message.”
The heart message is the message behind the words the person is saying. Sometimes, even behind something that sounds like a complaint or criticism, there is a bigger, more vulnerable message asking to be heard. It would have been easy to only hear the things my husband was saying as complaints about what I was doing “wrong.” However, rather than get upset or defensive, I listened with my heart as well, and the message that came through loud and clear was, “I love you and I’m committed to this marriage being the best it can be.” Listening from that space, I was able to see how blessed I am to be married to a man who is willing to have a conversation about how to make our marriage even better than it already is. It made me feel good to know that I love a man who is not satisfied with having a good marriage, because he’s as committed as I am to making it work! And that made it easier for me to see what I could do to bring as much happiness, love and intimacy to our relationship.
So, the next time your husband or boyfriend – or anyone else in your life – comes to you with something that sounds like a complaint or criticism, try to listen with your heart. Listen for the pain, the desire, or the need behind the persons words. And, most importantly, listen for the love as you listen in love.
Listening for the heart message is one of the Intimacy Skills we’ll be discussing on the next Relationship Coaching call for Girlfriends and Wives that I lead as part of a program we offer in partnership with Laura Doyle. Click here to participate and enjoy the rewards of love, peace, and intimacy these skills can bring to your life.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Feb 24, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“I think I’m just not made out to be in a relationship.”
“I’ve decided that I’m okay not being in a relationship.”
“Maybe there really isn’t someone out there for me.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone.”
Last week, I had no less than 4 single women tell me statements like the ones above. With that many women expressing the same thing to me in one week, I have to believe that there are more out there with the same thoughts. And, if you’re one of them, I feel it’s my responsibility to set you straight and let you know that you were created for love!
Now, I realize that there are many different types of love – love among family members and friends, love for humanity, and love for our pets. But I am referring specifically to romantic love. Yes, there are people in the world who choose to live a life devoid of romantic love – priest, nuns, and others who have chosen to dedicate their life to their ministry, for instance. But if you want to be in a romantic relationship and dream of being loved, cherished, and adored for a lifetime, trust that that the dream and desire were placed there from the moment you were created and that it is your birthright to experience the joy of loving and being loved every day of your life.
Perhaps you’ve had some bad experiences with love. Maybe you’ve had your heart broken a few too many times. Or it could be that you end up attracting really great guys, but then “something happens,” and what used to be a happy, romantic, and fulfilling relationship turns into constant fighting and bickering, and, suddenly, all you can see the guy who once took your breath away are all of the little things that you don’t like, the habits that get on your nerves, and the faults you swore you’d never put up with in a relationship.
If any of this is resonating, it could be that, while you desire to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship, you’re also self-sabotaging yourself out of one. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Almost every single woman has experienced the consequences of self-sabotage at least once in her life.
We say that we want to date and find the man who is our every dream come true, but, rather than go to the party or singles mixer, we choose to stay home, watch TV, and live romance vicariously through someone else’s pretend life.
We say we want open and honest communication with a man who is trusting and trustworthy, but we keep being attracted to men who lie, cheat, or seem emotionally unavailable.
We say we want to be in a relationship with a great guy who makes time for us, wants to make us happy and wants a commitment, and then, when we find him, he begins to seem “too nice,” not exciting enough, or too clingy.
Why is it that we sabotage ourselves out of the very thing we say we want most?
1. Fear. Some of us are so afraid that we won’t get the love we want that we close ourselves off, shut men out, and prevent love from finding its way to us. Or, when we finally find ourselves in a great relationship, we think it’s either too good to be true or it won’t last, so we keep looking for evidence of everything that’s not right, won’t work or won’t last, and we end the relationship before it even begins. Rather than letting your fears get the best of you and choose for you, step out in faith. While it’s true that there is always an element of risk when it comes to love, opening your heart up and allowing love to find its way to you could lead to experiencing the love your heart desires. Believe that not only is finding love possible, but that it’s possible for you! Let your faith be bigger than your fear!
2. Feelings of Unworthiness. Maybe, along with your fear there is a belief that you don’t really deserve the happiness and love you desire. Perhaps you’ve never truly loved and accepted yourself – every part of you – even the parts you don’t really like. Or maybe you’ve done something for which you haven’t forgiven yourself. Or perhaps you feel like you messed up the relationship with the guy who was “The One.” No matter what you’ve done, what has happened, or what mistakes may have been made, we live in a world that is overflowing with love, and you were created to give, receiving, and experience love. Believe that you are worthy of love. If you want to take a 30-day journey to discovering self love, read our book 30 Days and 30 Ways to Fall In Love with YOU! On each day of the journey, you will be taken through a reflection or activity and be given a new affirmation that will bring you closer to falling in love with yourself, which is the access to attracting love into your life.
3. Negative and Limiting Beliefs. If you have negative or limiting beliefs about men or relationships, it’s possible that you are blocking the love you say you want. Thinking that there aren’t any good men left, that men are dishonest or incapable of committing, or believing that relationships are hard or not worth the effort or that they never last doesn’t serve you. Why would anyone want to experience heartache, disappointment, and lack of fulfillment on purpose? It’s time to turn those negative beliefs into positive affirmations. Instead of thinking about all of the things you don’t want to experience in a relationship, begin thinking writing, and speaking about the things you do want. Soon, you will begin to attract those very things into your life and enjoy the love and happiness that are your birthright!
Some of these things may sound easier said than done. And it’s true that sometimes the hardest thing is getting out of our own way. However, you don’t have to do this alone. Working with a relationship coach is one of the best ways to get clear about what you want, what’s been stopping you from having it, and the actions you need to take to get the results that you want. If you are ready to begin attracting the love that you deserve and desire into your life contact us. Helping women experience the love their hearts desire is our mission and purpose and we’d love to work with and empower you with the skills to live the life and love you want!
Questions? Comments? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Feb 22, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Why is it that some of the most successful, powerful women struggle when it comes to relationships? Whether it’s the CEO who can’t seem to make time to date or the entrepreneur who is a pro at networking and getting new clients, but can’t seem to connect with her husband, there are certain characteristics and behaviors that successful women bring into relationships that just don’t work.
Now, let me be clear (because I’m sure some of you just got triggered by that last sentence!), I’m not saying that in order to have a successful relationship you can’t be successful in your career or business. What I am saying is that some of the actions we take in the workplace that propel us to higher levels of success simply do not work when it comes to building an intimate, passionate romantic relationship.
Why? Because the goals we have in business and the goals for romance are completely different!
At work, we are focused on making the sale, finishing the project, meeting the bottom line, and getting others to help us do that by letting them know what needs to be done, by when, and how it must be done. If not, there are consequences to pay, including demotions, getting written up, or getting fired.
Now take that same attitude of mind into a relationship, and now you’re telling your date, husband or boyfriend, when he needs to do, by when, and how… And, by the way, there will be hell to pay if it’s not done your way and by the time you expected it!
So, what can a woman do so that she can experience success in both her work life and her love life? Watch this video of an interview between Dawn Maslar of LearnHowtoFindLove.com and me, where we discuss the challenges that successful women face and what we can do to transition from being “The Invincible Woman” at work and “The Irresistible Woman” in our love lives!
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