by heartsdesireintl | Sep 21, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
I find that, many times, a common theme emerges among the women I coach. They are in different parts of the world, in different stages of relationship – from being single, to dating, to being a newlywed, to having been married for decades – and, yet, it often happens that wherever they are, they are experiencing similar situations. One of this week’s common themes has been that of dealing with disappointment.
We’ve all experienced, it (or some version of it), right?
He said he’d call, and he didn’t.
He said he was going to do something, and he didn’t.
You told him you’d love to go dancing, and you find yourself sitting in front of the TV… again.
He forgot your birthday or anniversary.
It happens. No matter how wonderful or how perfect for a person is for you, he is bound to do something that will leave you feeling disappointed. Why? Because, like you, he’s not perfect, and it’s likely that, every once in a while (at least), he’ll do something that you wish he hadn’t.
So, how can we deal with these disappointments in a way that doesn’t negatively impact the intimacy in the relationship and leaves us feeling empowered?
- Avoid making what he did mean something about the way he feels about you. If he’s a good guy and he usually demonstrates that love and makes you feel cherished, don’t make the fact that he didn’t call or text you during the day mean that “the passion is gone,” he doesn’t love you anymore, or he’s just being a jerk. Maybe he did forget or he felt he was too busy to call. The fact is that, if every other piece of evidence in your relationship points to the fact that he loves you, you might just want to choose to let it go (and, yes, it is a choice!).
- Avoid “reprimanding” him or telling him what he “should” do. Here’s a fact: Men do not want to marry or make love to their mothers. Whenever we take a condescending stance and try to “teach” or tell our husbands and boyfriends what to do, we become “motherly,” and, to a man, that simply isn’t attractive. Rather than scolding or telling him what to do, focus on sharing how you feel. The way to do this is to just focus on how you are feeling, not on what he did.
For example, instead of saying, “Next time, maybe you should call me before you decide to go to happy hour with your friends,” you would say something like, “I was worried because it was getting late,” or “I was really looking forward to seeing you.”
Instead of saying, “I was upset because you didn’t call me,” you would say, “I was sad that I didn’t get to hear your voice.” In each of the second statements, you’re focused on what you are feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.
- Remember that you get to choose how to respond. I’m the first to admit that I’m not always at my most gracious when I’m disappointed about something. I’m human and my first instinct is usually to “personalize” what happened and make it all about me. However, I also have learned that I’m not a victim of my circumstances or of my husband’s choices or behaviors. I no longer (it wasn’t always this way) excuse my outbursts or fits of anger on the “severity” of the transgression. I really do try to think about how it is that I’m going to respond. Am I going to “punish” him by being bitter and cold and shutting down, or am I going to be gracious and forgiving? Am I going to “righteous” and point out how “wrong” he was, or am I going to be compassionate and remember that I make mistakes all the time, too? I get to choose. And that is so much more empowering than being at the effect of everything that happens in my relationship.
The bottom line is that, if we’re going to date or be in a relationship or marriage with someone, the majority of us want that to be a peaceful, blissful experience. And, even when we attract into our lives the man who is perfect for us, he’ll come with some imperfections – we all do. So, if he forgets something, says something we wish he hadn’t, or does something that we think is “wrong,” we can make a big deal about it, have that mean he doesn’t really love us (in spite of all of the insurmountable evidence that he does), and chastise and belittle him, all the while justifying our behavior and calling it “expressing my feelings”… OR we can choose to be gracious, allow him the space to be human, and respond in a way that leaves us feeling empowered and with our dignity intact!
As I said earlier… Intimacy, happiness, and peace are always a choice! And you get to choose!
Have questions or comments you’d like to share? Share them below! We’d love to hear from you!
Photo credit: ktpupp via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 18, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This past Saturday marked the fourteenth anniversary of my late husband’s passing. It’s always a bitter-sweet day for me. I am saddened that he’s no longer here, that he went through a lot of pain and suffering toward the end of his life, and that our life together ended so soon after it began. I’m also grateful for the time we shared together, for everything I learned about love and life, and for having been blessed to have been loved by him.
I remember when he first passed away how lost I felt. I wondered if I would even be able to breathe without him in this world. How would I go on? With literally one single breath, all of my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future were gone. I wondered if I would ever smile or laugh again. And I was sure I would never love or be loved that way again. After all, he was my “The One.” And a love like that comes only once in a lifetime… Right?
Thankfully, I was wrong!
There are many people who believe that there is only One person in the world that is “right” for each other person in the world. We read about it in fairy tales and even books written by relationship experts. We see it on TV and in the movies. We are told that there is only one “The One.”
So, what happens when that person dies? Or what if the timing was wrong? Or what happens if you didn’t recognize him when he was in your life? Are you doomed to a life of loneliness or “settling” for something less than what could have been?
Thankfully, NO!
The truth is that we live in a world of abundance – and that applies to love, too! Yes, it’s true that once you find the person who is right for you, he will be your “One.” You will know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the person with whom you wish to share your life. But, want know a secret? It’s not because he was “chosen” for you. It’s not even because it was “meant to be.” When you attract that person who is absolutely right for you, you will get to choose to love him. Why? Because being in-love is a choice. It’s a day-to-day, moment-by-moment choice to give and receive love.
As I said earlier, there was a time in my life when I honestly believed I would never love again. And I can’t tell you how incredibly grateful I am that I was wrong! How absolutely thrilled I am that my current husband and I met. It was one of the loveliest, sweetest, and most unexpected surprises of my life! I have been able to experience the capacity to love and be loved beyond my wildest dreams! I know that finding love again IS possible. And it’s possible for you, too!
So, if you’re holding on to the thought of “the one who got away,” or, if, like me, you’ve lost someone you truly and deeply loved, whether by death or other circumstances, don’t sentence yourself to a lifetime of loneliness or anything other than the extraordinary, amazing, take-your-breath-away love you deserve and your heart desires! Embrace the great memories, let go of the sad ones, and open your heart to love once again! Believe and allow your next true love – your next “The One” – to find, love, and be loved by you!
Photo credit: Amy Lloyd via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 14, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, I was on a radio show in a segment titled, “I Can’t Deal with My Husband!” The show’s host and I discussed ways that wives can positively deal with their husband’s “negative” habits.
We’ve all been there, right? Your boyfriend forgets to tip the valet. Your husband leaves his socks on the floor right next to the hamper. He’s too loud… too quiet… too messy… too neat… And it’s driving you crazy!
And you’ve probably tried every strategy you can think of to get him to change. You’ve asked him nicely. You’ve asked him not-so-nicely. You’ve begged. You’ve hinted. You may have even shed a tear or two. Nothing has worked, and, quite frankly, you’ve had it!
What’s a woman to do? Below are some practical steps you can take to help you deal positively with his “bad habits” so that you can both be happy.
1. Realize he’s not your “Do-it-Yourself-Fixer-Upper- Project.”
The first thing you need to realize is that you can’t change him! Too many times, women get married thinking that they’ll be able to change (or “train”) their husband’s after they are married. What we forget is that true love is unconditional. That means I don’t love you because of what you do or don’t do. Instead, I choose to love you in spite of what you do or don’t do. And it is not my role or mission in life to “train” you to be neat, or quiet, or more social, or more assertive. Personal work is just that: personal and internal. It’s got to come from within. All of that begging, pleading, reminding (a.k.a. nagging) hasn’t given you the results you’ve wanted because he’s the one who has to want to change. So, rather than focusing on the things he should/could be doing differently, focus on the behaviors, actions, and attitudes within yourself that you can change and work on those. It’s a much better use of your time and energy!
2. Don’t take things personally.
Granted, I may not know your boyfriend or husband personally, but I can pretty much bet that his first thought in the morning is not “What can I do today to really upset her?” Most men want to please the women they love. They do not set out with the intention to anger, upset, or disappoint us. When he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink or he forgets to pay a bill on time, see it for what it is: a mistake; not a personal vendetta. If you can distance yourself from the action and not make it about “If he really loved me he would/wouldn’t…” you’ll find you have a lot more peace and react with a lot less resentment and hostility when he does “that thing” that tends to trigger a reaction.
3. Express your feelings and desires purely.
Rather than telling him everything he’s doing “wrong” or “not good enough,” focus on what you want. If the toothpaste on the counter drives you nuts, instead of telling him, “You need to clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” or “You always leave a mess of toothpaste on the counter for me to clean up,” or “You never clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” (which is all
nagging, and not very inspiring or motivating, by the way), focus on what it is that you want.
I love it when the bathroom sink and counter are clean.
I don’t like having to clean the stuck-on toothpaste.
I appreciate it when you wipe off the counter.
All of these statements are much more inspiring than hearing a reprimand or criticism and they focus on your feelings and your desires, rather than on what he “should” or “should not” do.
4. Choose your battles. (Actually… When in doubt, choose intimacy!)
When it comes to two completely different people coming together – with their own histories, likes, dislikes, and ways of doing things – it’s inevitable that there will be things about the other that will either require learning, getting used to, and accepting. If you react to every little thing with a life-or-death intensity, you are going to find yourself exhausted all of the time. Perhaps some of his habits will be easier to accept than others. It’s going to be up to you to determine what’s worth arguing about. If your argument to him is that “Putting the socks in the hamper takes two seconds,” then consider if something that takes two seconds is really worth fighting about for 30 minutes every day… day in… day out… Ultimately, it really is your choice! Choose wisely and in the best interest of your relationship!
5. Express gratitude when he does things that please you.
I’m not sure why this is, but sometimes, when our husbands or boyfriends catch us by surprise and do something that pleases us, we tend to not want to thank them, so that it doesn’t seem like “a big deal,” or so that they don’t think they’ve done us any favors. Except that… well… they have done us a favor! And, if I’ve chosen in the past to make a big deal about the things he’s done that I don’t like, why not make an even bigger deal when he does something that I do like! When we acknowledge and show appreciate for the things he’s done “right,” we’re significantly increasing the probability of him choosing to do that again! It’s a win-win situation for both of us!
There are some more things we can do, but these 5 are a great start toward get ourselves in the habit of dealing positively with our husbands’ and boyfriends’ not-so-great habits!
Do you have any suggestions or ideas for how to deal with your husband’s or boyfriend’s habits? Any thoughts about the ideas shared in this article? If so, please leave your comments below! We love to hear from you!
photo credit: Leigh Righton via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 11, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
There are days when I am so present to how blessed I am to be married to an incredible man, have two wonderful children, live in a beautiful home, and be happy and healthy. And then there are days where all I do is complain, worry, and live from a space of “it’s not enough.” I could chalk it up to “just being human,” but, to be honest, when I’m in that space of focusing on what I don’t have or want, rather than being grateful for what I do have, I’m really difficult to be around. In fact, there are days when I get on my own nerves! So, you can imagine what it’s like for my husband!
I’ve found that, when I’m not focusing on being grateful, I tend to see and hear every little thing my husband does that gets on my nerves as if there were a high-def magnifying glass and surround sound system enhancing it! Instead of being grateful that I don’t have to do the dishes, I’ll notice that he didn’t rinse the mesh strainer at the bottom of the sink. Instead of expressing gratitude for him making the kids’ lunches, I’ll notice that there are bread crumbs all over the counter. And – never mind that every single morning, there is a cup of coffee prepared exactly how I like it waiting for me in the microwave – I’ll notice how the counter top is cluttered with mail.
Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT a clean freak, but this is where my mind goes when I don’t choose to generate a feeling of gratitude. And, believe me, it’s not pretty!
Many times, in our relationships, we forget to notice and feel grateful for all of the sweet gestures and daily actions our partners take – the little things that make a difference. And, sometimes, even if we do say thank you, if we follow it with a “but next time…” or correct what’s been done, we can send the message that we are difficult to please. This can actually cause our dates, husbands, or boyfriends to stop trying. In fact, if one of your complaints is that your guy is no longer “romantic” or that he doesn’t step up to help you, you may want to take a look at whether or not you are letting him know that you appreciate him and his efforts.
I have seen the transformational power of gratitude in my own marriage. For years I joked that I was “a single married mother,” because I felt that I had to do everything myself. When I began expressing gratitude on a daily basis, something wonderful began to happen. The man who I felt did not appreciate me and was taking me for granted began asking me what he could do to help! He began taking initiative and offering to do things for me before I asked. I began to experience a wonderful partnership in parenting and life, in general!
Does this mean I always remember to express my gratitude? Well, if you remember the beginning of this post, you already know the answer. However, when I begin to get that feeling of getting on my own nerves, of being critical and ungrateful, or when I begin to feel anxious or worried, I ask myself, “Okay. What’s missing?” Almost immediately, I will see that what is missing is gratitude. Then I make it a point to begin listing – either orally, in my mind, or in my gratitude journal – all of the things for which I am grateful. And, as I do this, I can feel the shift taking place, the anxiety losing its grip on me, and I am filled with an indescribable sense of peace. Usually, this will do the trick. On tough days, I may need to do this more often!
And in my relationship, I do the same thing. When I begin noticing that I’m being nitpicky or getting irritated, I ask myself “Okay. What’s missing?” and, when I realize that what’s missing is gratitude, I will begin making it a point to notice all the things my husband has done or is doing to let me know that he loves me, the things he does to care for and provide for us, and the things about him that I absolutely adore! Again, when I do this, I begin to experience an immediate shift and can feel the gratitude bubbling up inside me! It truly is miraculous!
Whether you are dating or in a relationship, I invite you to look for 3 things to express gratitude for to your guy every day. If the little voice in your head just yelled “Three things? I don’t know if I’ll be able to find one!” consider that you may not be shining the spotlight on what he is doing, because you’re focusing on what he’s not. Switch your focus to noticing the things he does to help or contribute to you – even if it’s something you think he “should” be doing anyway (working, taking out the trash, bringing in the mail, etc.). If you’re on a date, rather than noticing that he was five minutes late or that he slurps his soup, notice how he opens the door or holds out the chair for you, how he checks in during the evening to see if you’re having a good time, and how he offers to pay the check.
By turning your focus onto the things you for which you are grateful, you will begin to experience a sense of fulfillment and peace. You’ll begin to notice your blessings in high-def and surround sound. In other words, you’ll begin to experience the transformational power of gratitude!
Today’s Thought:
Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.
~William Arthur Ward
Gratitude photo credit: Kate Wares via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 7, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This past weekend, my family and I went on a mini-vacation. During the weekend, I periodically checked my email, texts and Facebook. I wasn’t doing it to ignore or upset my husband or because I wasn’t enjoying the time I was spending with my family. It was partly out of “habit,” and primarily because I hate falling behind and having a ton of “stuff” to sort through when I return to the office after taking a few days off.
I had forgotten my phone in our vacation home when we left for the pool and went back to get it so that I could take some pictures of my husband and the boys. While sitting in a lounge chair by the pool, I read an email from a friend that I felt needed to be addressed right away, so I responded and forwarded a text message to some of my other friends who I thought could help. I think that was the last drop in the proverbial bucket for my husband, who asked very exasperatedly, “Oh, is that why you needed to go get the phone?”
His tone caught me off-guard, and, before I knew it, I immediately went into defense mode and said, “I didn’t say anything to you when you went for a jog by yourself this morning!”
What?!? Did I really just go there?
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how unloving and disrespectful I sounded!
Where is that blasted “Rewind Life” button when I need it most?
He then began to tell me that I had been emailing, texting, and Facebooking all weekend, and that we’d barely had a conversation. He said I was doing it when I was walking, standing in line, and sitting in the car. I wanted to respond that he was “wrong” and that I was an adult and did not need someone telling me when I could and could not communicate with the outside world. I wanted to defend myself some more and point out how he had been watching a show on Netflix every spare moment he had and how I was trying to help a friend, and… Well, I just really wanted to be right and prove that I wasn’t the only one doing something “wrong.” But, thankfully, this time, I chose to stop before speaking and that pause allowed me to listen to the heart message behind his words.
Behind his complaints and my perceived attempts at him trying to control me, I was able to hear my husband saying, “I just want to spend time with you.” When I took a moment to step aside (and hold my tongue), I was able to hear this message loud and clear! I’ll be honest. Part of me still wanted to be “right,” so I told him what was happening with my friend, and he immediately understood, which just let me see (again) just what an amazing and compassionate man he is (more heart message!).
In the next moment I had a clear choice. I could either choose to “prove” my independence and continue doing what I was doing, or I could choose intimacy, honor the heart message I was hearing, and having fun with my family. I chose to put aside my need to be right, put down my phone, , and jump in the pool with him and the boys. I apologized to my husband for the way I had snapped at him and for not being present during our family time. And we had a great time on the rest of our vacation.
Intimacy restored!
Sometimes, when our boyfriend or spouse “complains,” it may be that he’s trying to get our attention or point out something that he wants to communicate. It’s easy to go into “defense mode” and point out where he is making mistakes, too. But, if intimacy is what is important to us, then we need to be intentional about choosing it!
I could have remained righteous, ignored his complaint and kept doing what I was doing. I always have that choice. But, for me, having intimacy in my marriage and being happy is more important than being right. And rather than waste precious time together (between arguing, the cold war that comes afterwards, and then that awkward period of figuring out whether or not “we’re okay again”), I chose to listen to the heart message behind the message he was sending. And, because of that, I got to experience what I really wanted, which was a fun, joyful, and peaceful time with the man I love and the two little guys we created together!
To me, that connection is what it’s all about!
So, what about you? What do you do when it’s time to choose between being right or being happy? We’d love to read your comments!
photo credit: Camdiluv ♥ via photo pin cc
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 31, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My husband and I often joke that it’s a miracle we ended up together and that we could not have chosen another more opposite person to ourselves with whom to fall in love!
He prefers to stay home and I love to go out. He prefers hanging out with just the 4 of us, and I am a social butterfly. He is a TV and movie buff and, while I enjoy both, I prefer reading a great book and I am usually doing something else while we’re watching TV. Our views on religion/spirituality and politics couldn’t be more different, and, at times, we see things differently when it comes to disciplining our kids… AND, yet, we have an amazing, loving relationship where each of us has the freedom to think for, act like, and BE ourselves!
It’s a common misconception that, in order to be “the perfect match,” two people should share the same exact interests, values, and beliefs. However, have you ever noticed how, in order for two puzzle pieces to fit together, they must have certain parts that are exactly opposite to one another? Hmmm…
While, of course, it is nice to have things in common with the man you love, it’s still possible to create a loving, mutually fulfilling relationship, even if you both don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. Having common interests and ideals can make for good conversation and fun times. It may even make things seem “easy.” However, having differences in preferences and opinions can make for very interesting conversation, and can offer you both the opportunity to learn more about yourself and one another, as well as lead to having new and exciting experiences in your life.
An essential part of truly loving someone is accepting him for everything he is and everything he is not. Rather than thinking that what he likes is “too different” or “not your style,” see these areas as opportunities to discover more about one another. For example, you may not like sports, but going to a game won’t kill you, and you will get to experience something with him that he really enjoys. You may think his political views are too radical, but there was something about his sense of conviction that was attractive and had you fall in love with him. Different is not “bad” or “wrong.” It’s just… well… different! And, as they say, variety is the spice of life! So, go ahead, spice up your love life!
Today’s Thought:
Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.
~ Leo Buscaglia
In Sweet Surrender,
Gladys
Heart’s Desire International, LLC
Heart puzzle photo credit: Alfonsina Blyde via photopin.com cc
