by Gladys Diaz

Even if the man you’re dating, committed, or married to is the most wonderful man in  the world, chances are that at some point he’ll say or do – or not say or do – something that leaves you feeling hurt.  Many times, when we’re hurt, the initial response is to strike back.  However, if what we want is to create intimacy in our relationships, it helps choose how we will respond when our feelings have been hurt.

Perhaps what has you feeling hurt is something the man you are dating or in a relationship with didn’t do.  Maybe he didn’t invite you to go the company holiday party.  Maybe he didn’t call when he said he would.  Or perhaps you feel that he didn’t say, do, or wear the right thing when he attended the family wedding with you.

Many times, that feeling of hurt is a result of an unmet expectation.  There was a certain way you expected him to be, something you expected him to do or say and he didn’t.  Unfortunately, as the saying goes, “Expectations are the recipe for disappointment.”  If you think about it – really think about it – what has you disappointed is not so much what he didn’t do, it’s that he didn’t do what you expected him to do.

Maybe what has you feeling hurt is something he said.  Perhaps he made a joke at your expense, was critical of something you said or did, or spoke to you in a harsh tone. It’s a very natural reaction to want to say something that hurts at least as much as what he said in return, or, at the very least, to demand that he apologize for what he just said.

Or, what if what has you feeling hurt is the fact that he’s no longer making an effort to see or call you the way he did.  Or, if he’s your boyfriend or husband, you may feel like he’s spending a lot of time at work, with his buddies, or immersed in a hobby, leaving very little time for the two of you to spend together.

Any one of these situations could leave a woman feeling hurt.  The question is, how can we express how we are feeling when we are hurt in a way that nurtures, rather than breaks down, the intimacy in the relationship?

1. Check your expectations at the door. If the reason you are hurt is due to something he didn’t do or say, it may very well be that you are dealing with an unmet expectation.  Rather than tell him, “I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the company party” or “I was hurt when you went to your friend’s wedding without me,” it would be wise to check the intention behind the words you want to say before you actually speak them. In these two examples, the truth is that you expected him to do those things. When he didn’t, you were left feeling disappointed.  If you tell him that what he didn’t do, at best, you’ll get a half-hearted apology (because, although he’s apologizing, he really didn’t do anything wrong.  He simply didn’t do what you thought was “right.”)  At worst, he’ll feel like you are telling him what he should do, and men simply don’t being controlled, nor do they want to be “mothered,” so you may find that you actually end up pushing him away.  So, rather than try to manipulate him into either feeling guilty or doing what you want him to do, just realize that this was an instance of unmet expectations and let go of the need to say something.

2.       Refrain from striking back. It’s an almost-knee-jerk reaction to defend ourselves when someone says something that is hurtful.  We don’t like feeling like we’ve been criticized or sucker-punched by someone else’s words.  The problem is that this kind of response is likely to lead to an argument, and, whether you just started dating someone or you’ve been together for years, arguments rarely ever lead to anyone actually winning.  More often than not, things are said that we regret and then have to apologize for later, and, meanwhile, the intimacy and connection we want is being chipped away with a verbal ice pick.  In these situations, it’s better to not say something simple, like “Ouch,” or say nothing at all.  When you do this, what lingers in the room is the last thing he said, which means he has to be at the impact of the words he chose to say to the woman he cares about or loves.  When that’s all that’s replaying in the space, he’s more likely to apologize for his words.  And because you chose to maintain your own dignity, there won’t be anything you’ll need to apologize for!

3.       Choose to be vulnerable.  When we feel like the man we love is pulling away or spending less time with us, it’s natural to feel afraid and insecure.  At our core, all of us are afraid of being unloved or abandoned.  That fear can lead us to try to get him to come closer again. However, when we complain to him that he’s not spending enough time with us or that he’s making other things more important than the relationship, we can inadvertently push him further away.  Rather than respond in anger or by complaining about behavior we wish he would change, we can choose to express ourselves in a more vulnerable way by saying, “I miss you.”  These words communicate what we’re actually feeling, rather than what we want or expect him to do, which is more likely to spark in him his natural tendency to want to please and protect you from feeling hurt.  As frightening as a vulnerable response can be, it’s always more attractive than nagging – which rarely, if ever, inspires a man to do anything differently.

Now, does all of this mean that we never share how we are feeling?  Of course not!  It’s important that we are able to express our feelings clearly and purely.  However, unless we’re truthful about our intentions before we share our feelings, we’ll almost always be responding in a controlling and manipulative way by trying to get him to change his behavior.

When we can simply share our feelings by saying things like “I feel sad,” “I feel worried,” or “I feel afraid,” without adding the words “because you…” or “when you didn’t/did…” then we can be sure that we’re expressing our feelings purely – without expectations, attachments, or complaints.  Then, and only then, does he have the freedom to choose how he will respond because he wants to and not because he feels that he has to. And isn’t that what we wanted in the first place?

Want to learn more about how to express your feelings purely and without expectations or attachments?  Then join us on Tuesday, March 25^th for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle.  We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives.  Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!

Comments?  Questions?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

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