Being in a relationship – especially a new relationship – can be exciting! It can be really tempting to want to spend every waking moment with a guy who is making you feel special, beautiful and happy! Who can blame us! That feeling of hope and anticipation that maybe this could be the one fills us with hope, joy, and all sorts of butterflies in our stomachs!
Many times, the more we get to know a guy, the more we tend forget about ourselves, the things we love to do, and the people who have been there for us before he stepped into our lives. It’s not uncommon for women to begin canceling lunch dates with friends, spending less time with family, and even stop participating in some of the activities they used to do before they started dating a new guy. We stay up until all hours of the night on the phone or out on a date, stop exercising, and sometimes we even forget to eat!
It’s no wonder that when I ask women what one of their biggest fears is when it comes to dating, marriage, and relationships, one of the top answers is, “I’m afraid of losing myself in the relationship.”
While all of this is perfectly natural, it’s important that we remember to keep our lives, even though he’s in it! Why? Well, just ask some of the women in your life who have been in a relationship or marriage for a while and who didn’t do this. They will let you know how unhappy and unfulfilling it can be to forget about yourself and who you are once you’re in a relationship.
I know this to be true, because it happened to me. It took me 7 years – and getting over a lot of guilt and resentment – to begin to find myself again!
Losing and Finding Myself Again
I don’t even know how it happened. It’s not like my husband – then-boyfriend – ever asked me to stop singing, exercising, or going out with my girlfriends. It’s not like he said I shouldn’t go to church or take courses I was interested in. He never once even mentioned anything like this. However, I gradually stopped doing the things that I enjoyed – the thing that made me ME, and, after a few years I was so full of resentment that I misdirected toward my husband. Truth be told, I was angry at myself and wasn’t sure what I could do to change the habits I’d created over the years.
Little by little, I began practicing more self-care and doing the things I enjoyed again. I started taking courses, starting my spiritual practices, and going out with my girlfriends again. I began taking time to get my hair done at a time that worked for me, and, slowly, but surely, I began to feel like me again!
Now, it took some time for us – both my husband and me – to get used me taking and making time for me. I did struggle at times with guilt about not spending time with my husband and kids. However, the happier and more fulfilled I became, the more encouraging he became and the easier it was!
So, what are some of the things you can do to avoid losing yourself in a relationship?
1. Focus on you. I know it seems counter-intuitive in a relationship, but the more you focus on making yourself happy, the better your relationship will be! It’s okay to spend some time apart. And he’ll love the idea of you being happy and having fun, even if he has to wait to see you.
2. Nourish other relationships. It’s easy to want to spend a lot of time with the man you love. However, don’t forget all the people who were there for you through the good times and bad, while he was finding his way to you! Spend time with your family and friends, even if he doesn’t come along.
3. Give him space to keep his life, too. I know it’s hard to believe, but he also had a life before you, so it’s likely he’ll have things he likes to do, friends and family he wants to spend time with, and times he’ll want to be alone. Avoid the temptation to feel jealous or try to guilt him into spending time with you. Feeling like he has the space to be himself will make him feel happy, too (Plus, he’ll be the envy of all of his friends whose girlfriends/wives are calling, texting, and giving them hard time while they’re hanging out with him!)
The more you take time to do the things you enjoy, that make you feel peaceful and allow you to express yourself and be you, the better girlfriend, wife, and parent you will be. Why? Because you can’t be peaceful, loving, and patient if you’re feeling frazzled, resentful, and depleted! By keeping your life even though he’s in it, you will be replenishing your mind, body, and spirit regularly, which is a critical ingredient for creating an intimate and happy relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Want to learn more about how to not lose yourself in a relationship? Then join us on Tuesdays, for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle. We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives. Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!
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