by Gladys Diaz

This morning I was reading a daily meditation book, and the thought for the day was around the power that our words have to either build people up or tear them down.  It’s easy to forget just how powerful our thoughts and words are and how they can impact our relationships.

Many times, when we are unhappy, disappointed, or scared, we feel the need to say exactly what is on our minds. And sharing your feelings is healthy.  When you’re dating or in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind.

The issue, however, is not really around whether or not you should say what’s on your mind.  It’s more about how you choose to say it!  See, many times, when we think we’re sharing our “feelings,” what we’re really doing is complaining and blaming – which can also be translated as nagging and criticizing – neither of which is encouraging or inspiring!

When you repeatedly tell the man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want.  All he hears is what a disappointment he is.  And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list!  This can cause him to want to stop trying.

So, what can you do to say what how you are feeling without tearing him down?

Vent with someone else before you share how you feel.

It can be difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling hurt.  Sometimes, it feels like there’s an immediate trigger that goes off!  Holding in or ignoring your feelings is not a good idea, but neither is saying or doing something you’re most likely going to regret.  Instead of going off on him in a moment of rage, call someone you trust and who you know will listen without judging or gossiping, and share your feelings with her.  After letting everything out, you may find that you’re able to think and express what you’re feeling more clearly and without resorting to blaming or making him wrong.

Focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did.

Leading with how you’re feeling, rather than with trying to blame or make him feel guilty will make it more likely that he’ll be able to hear how you are feeling, rather than feel the need to defend his actions.

So, instead of saying something like, “You always put your job and other people before me! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter!” you could say, “I miss spending time with you.”

Rather than saying, “I feel so angry when you forget to call me during the day,” you could say, “I really like when you take the time to call me during the day. It makes me smile to know that you’re thinking about me.”

Expressing yourself this way takes a lot more vulnerability than striking in anger, which can feel scary.  But, again, it’s a lot more likely that he’ll be able to actually hear what you are saying when he’s not feeling like he needs to defend himself.

Let go of any expectations regarding how he’ll respond.

Sometimes we hold back on sharing our feelings and desires because we think we already know how he’s going to respond and we’re afraid of what his reaction will be.  Again, ignoring your feelings is not healthy, and it should feel safe to share what you’re feeling with the man you love. So, once you’ve processed your feelings with someone else and you are able to express them clearly and purely – without blame – let go of any expectations regarding how he will or should respond.  How or whether he chooses to respond is out of your control, but how and what you choose to say isn’t.  If you choose to follow the steps above, it’s likely that the response is more likely to be tender and understanding when he can see that he’s not being “punished” or attacked.

Sharing and expressing our feelings is an important part of being in a relationship, and when we can do that without casting blame, shame, or guilt on our partner, we’re on the path to making that relationship the loving, peaceful, intimate partnership our hearts truly desire!

Comments?  Questions?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

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