by Gladys Diaz

This week, I was on a radio show in a segment titled, “I Can’t Deal with My Husband!”  The show’s host and I discussed ways that wives can positively deal with their husband’s “negative” habits.

We’ve all been there, right?  Your boyfriend forgets to tip the valet.  Your husband leaves his socks on the floor right next to the hamper. He’s too loud… too quiet… too messy… too neat… And it’s driving you crazy!

And you’ve probably tried every strategy you can think of to get him to change.  You’ve asked him nicely.  You’ve asked him not-so-nicely.  You’ve begged.  You’ve hinted.  You may have even shed a tear or two.  Nothing has worked, and, quite frankly, you’ve had it!

What’s a woman to do?  Below are some practical steps you can take to help you deal positively with his “bad habits” so that you can both be happy.

1.       Realize he’s not your “Do-it-Yourself-Fixer-Upper- Project.”

The first thing you need to realize is that you can’t change him!  Too many times, women get married thinking that they’ll be able to change (or “train”) their husband’s after they are married.  What we forget is that true love is unconditional.  That means I don’t love you because of what you do or don’t do.  Instead, I choose to love you in spite of what you do or don’t do.  And it is not my role or mission in life to “train” you to be neat, or quiet, or more social, or more assertive.  Personal work is just that: personal and internal.  It’s got to come from within. All of that begging, pleading, reminding (a.k.a. nagging) hasn’t given you the results you’ve wanted because he’s the one who has to want to change.  So, rather than focusing on the things he should/could be doing differently, focus on the behaviors, actions, and attitudes within yourself that you can change and work on those. It’s a much better use of your time and energy!

2.       Don’t take things personally.

Granted, I may not know your boyfriend or husband personally, but I can pretty much bet that his first thought in the morning is not “What can I do today to really upset her?” Most men want to please the women they love.  They do not set out with the intention to anger, upset, or disappoint us.  When he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink or he forgets to pay a bill on time, see it for what it is: a mistake; not a personal vendetta.  If you can distance yourself from the action and not make it about “If he really loved me he would/wouldn’t…” you’ll find you have a lot more peace and react with a lot less resentment and hostility when he does “that thing” that tends to trigger a reaction.

3.        Express your feelings and desires purely.

Rather than telling him everything he’s doing “wrong” or “not good enough,” focus on what you want.  If the toothpaste on the counter drives you nuts, instead of telling him, “You need to clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” or “You always leave a mess of toothpaste on the counter for me to clean up,” or “You never clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” (which is all

nagging, and not very inspiring or motivating, by the way), focus on what it is that you want.

I love it when the bathroom sink and counter are clean.

I don’t like having to clean the stuck-on toothpaste.

I appreciate it when you wipe off the counter.

 All of these statements are much more inspiring than hearing a reprimand or criticism and they focus on your feelings and your desires, rather than on what he “should” or “should not” do.

4.       Choose your battles. (Actually… When in doubt, choose intimacy!)

When it comes to two completely different people coming together – with their own histories, likes, dislikes, and ways of doing things – it’s inevitable that there will be things about the other that will either require learning, getting used to, and accepting.  If you react to every little thing with a life-or-death intensity, you are going to find yourself exhausted all of the time.  Perhaps some of his habits will be easier to accept than others. It’s going to be up to you to determine what’s worth arguing about.  If your argument to him is that “Putting the socks in the hamper takes two seconds,” then consider if something that takes two seconds is really worth fighting about for 30 minutes every day… day in… day out… Ultimately, it really is your choice!  Choose wisely and in the best interest of your relationship!

5.       Express gratitude when he does things that please you.

I’m not sure why this is, but sometimes, when our husbands or boyfriends catch us by surprise and do something that pleases us, we tend to not want to thank them, so that it doesn’t seem like “a big deal,” or so that they don’t think they’ve done us any favors.  Except that… well… they have done us a favor!  And, if I’ve chosen in the past to make a big deal about the things he’s done that I don’t like, why not make an even bigger deal when he does something that I do like!  When we acknowledge and show appreciate for the things he’s done “right,” we’re significantly increasing the probability of him choosing to do that again! It’s a win-win situation for both of us!

There are some more things we can do, but these 5 are a great start toward get ourselves in the habit of dealing positively with our husbands’ and boyfriends’ not-so-great habits!

Do you have any suggestions or ideas for how to deal with your husband’s or boyfriend’s habits?  Any thoughts about the ideas shared in this article?  If so, please leave your comments below!  We love to hear from you!

photo credit: Leigh Righton via photopin.com cc