I find that, many times, a common theme emerges among the women I coach.  They are in different parts of the world, in different stages of relationship – from being single, to dating, to being a newlywed, to having been married for decades – and, yet, it often happens that wherever they are, they are experiencing similar situations.  One of this week’s common themes has been that of dealing with disappointment.

We’ve all experienced, it (or some version of it), right?

He said he’d call, and he didn’t.

He said he was going to do something, and he didn’t.

You told him you’d love to go dancing, and you find yourself sitting in front of the TV… again.

He forgot your birthday or anniversary.

It happens. No matter how wonderful or how perfect for a person is for you, he is bound to do something that will leave you feeling disappointed.  Why? Because, like you, he’s not perfect, and it’s likely that, every once in a while (at least), he’ll do something that you wish he hadn’t.

So, how can we deal with these disappointments in a way that doesn’t negatively impact the intimacy in the relationship and leaves us feeling empowered?

1. Avoid making what he did mean something about the way he feels about you.  If he’s a good guy and he usually demonstrates that love and makes you feel cherished, don’t make the fact that he didn’t call or text you during the day mean that “the passion is gone,” he doesn’t love you anymore, or he’s just being a jerk.  Maybe he did forget or he felt he was too busy to call.  The fact is that, if every other piece of evidence in your relationship points to the fact that he loves you, you might just want to choose to let it go (and, yes, it is a choice!).

1. Avoid “reprimanding” him or telling him what he “should” do.  Here’s a fact: Men do not want to marry or make love to their mothers.  Whenever we take a condescending stance and try to “teach” or tell our husbands and boyfriends what to do, we become “motherly,” and, to a man, that simply isn’t attractive.  Rather than scolding or telling him what to do, focus on sharing how you feel.  The way to do this is to just focus on how you are feeling, not on what he did.

For example, instead of saying, “Next time, maybe you should call me before you decide to go to happy hour with your friends,” you would say something like, “I was worried because it was getting late,” or “I was really looking forward to seeing you.”

 Instead of saying, “I was upset because you didn’t call me,” you would say, “I was sad that I didn’t get to hear your voice.” In each of the second statements, you’re focused on what you are feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.

1. Remember that you get to choose how to respond.   I’m the first to admit that I’m not always at my most gracious when I’m disappointed about something.  I’m human and my first instinct is usually to “personalize” what happened and make it all about me.  However, I also have learned that I’m not a victim of my circumstances or of my husband’s choices or behaviors.  I no longer (it wasn’t always this way) excuse my outbursts or fits of anger on the “severity” of the transgression.  I really do try to think about how it is that I’m going to respond.  Am I going to “punish” him by being bitter and cold and shutting down, or am I going to be gracious and forgiving?  Am I going to “righteous” and point out how “wrong” he was, or am I going to be compassionate and remember that I make mistakes all the time, too? I get to choose.  And that is so much more empowering than being at the effect of everything that happens in my relationship.

The bottom line is that, if we’re going to date or be in a relationship or marriage with someone, the majority of us want that to be a peaceful, blissful experience.  And, even when we attract into our lives the man who is perfect for us, he’ll come with some imperfections – we all do.  So, if he forgets something, says something we wish he hadn’t, or does something that we think is “wrong,” we can make a big deal about it, have that mean he doesn’t really love us (in spite of all of the insurmountable evidence that he does), and chastise and belittle him, all the while justifying our behavior and calling it “expressing my feelings”… OR we can choose to be gracious, allow him the space to be human, and respond in a way that leaves us feeling empowered and with our dignity intact!

As I said earlier… Intimacy, happiness, and peace are always a choice!  And you get to choose!

Have questions or comments you’d like to share?  Share them below! We’d love to hear from you!

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