by Gladys Diaz

Tuesday’s post on getting rid of the checklist sparked a lot of discussion on different social media platforms, especially among singles.  I even received some requests for a similar post directed toward men.  Maybe… One day… However, I believe that we women have the power to set the tone in a relationship, and that it’s up to us to create the type of relationship we want to experience – no one can do that for us.  So, for now, let’s talk about what to do once you choose to get rid of the checklist.

First, let me warn you.  From time to time, you’ll be tempted to tape together the pieces of the checklist and see which ones “aren’t that bad” in order to justify keeping them.  You know, you’ll get approached by a guy who looks different than the “type” of guy you usually date, and your automatic pilot will kick in with a “No way!” unless you can catch yourself first.  Or maybe your friend wants to introduce you to a guy she knows, but he’s a divorced father of two and you have sworn to yourself that you will not date anyone who had any type of past that might affect you in any way, shape, or form. Or you bump into a guy at the grocery store and he smiles at you, but his teeth are crooked and that’s been a “deal-breaker” for you in the past.

The point is that, from time to time, you may find yourself grasping for the “safety” of the checklist.  At those times, it’s going to take some intentional brain work on your part to remind yourself that his height, the color of his hair, who he may have loved in the past, and his teeth have nothing to do with the kind of romance that the two of you could possibly create together.  And, until that happens, you can also remind yourself that it’s “just a conversation,” or “just coffee,” or “just a smile.”

So what’s a girl to do once she’s gotten rid of the checklist? Well, let’s start with what it is that you want!

Many women say they want to be in a loving, committed relationship, but, when you ask them to describe the kind of romance they want, they will either begin to describe a type of guy or stumble to put what they want into words.  Perhaps it’s that the focus has been more on the guy they would like to meet than the relationship they’d like to create and live in.  Maybe they’ve been basing the idea of a “real relationship” on what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies, or what they’ve read about in books. But when it comes to seriously thinking about, envisioning, and verbalizing what it is they really want, they just aren’t sure.

This is why one of the first exercises we do in our workshops or coaching sessions for single ladies is to have the women  write down and declare what they want in a relationship.

How do you want to feel when you’re together?

What is the experience of being together like?

Why is this so important?  Because until you are clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get.  It’s why one of the main reasons women tell us they are afraid of being in a committed relationship is that they will either “lose themselves” or end up “settling for” someone and then getting bored or falling out of love with them.

The truth is, no one gets “stuck” in a relationship.  You either choose to be in it or you don’t. But, if you’re not sure about what kind of experience you want to have in a relationship, chances are that you will be “blurry” and unclear, and spend a lot of time attracting what you don’t want into your life.  So, clarity is key!

For example, if you know that you want “good communication” in your relationship, that doesn’t really translate into an experience.  So, maybe you would describe it as: We are able to share our ideas, thoughts, and dreams freely and openly.

 If honesty and loyalty are important, you could say: We honor and respect one another and choose to love one another exclusively.

If being able to travel and do fun and exciting things is part of the experience you want to create with the man who is right for you, then you might say: We live in abundance and discover new and exciting adventures.

And if what you want is to be loved, cherished, and adored, then you could include something like: We love each other, make one another feel special, and let each other know how blessed we feel to be loved by the other.

…Or something like that…

Basically, what you are doing is determining what is important to you, what your heart truly desires, and describing it for yourself.  No one ever has to read or hear this – not even him!  This is your creation.  Your declaration.  And you get to start living it NOW, even before you meet him!

What do I mean?  Well, if you the experience of your relationship includes having open and free communication, then begin expressing your thoughts freely and allowing others to do the same.  If you want to experience honesty and loyalty, then be honest and loyal at all times.  Honor your promises and commitments.  If you want to live in abundance and have exciting adventures, don’t wait to meet someone in order to go for that promotion, start your own business, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, or enroll in that class you’ve been putting off for “someday.” Do it now! And if you want to experience being loved, cherished, and adored, then be loving, kind, and compassionate with others, and receive the time, attention, gifts, and compliments of others – especially men – graciously… Even when they are not quite your “type,” because (good news) you no longer have a “type,” since you got rid of the checklist!

Basically, you want to start BEing the type of person who will attract the things and experiences you want to have.  You want to BE the woman that a man who is willing and ready to create that type of relationship with you will be able to recognize from a mile away.

In essence, you want to BE everything you hope to see in your future relationship!

Have questions or comments about this article, feel free to include them below!  We love hearing from you!

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