Over the past few weeks, I’ve received several requests to write a blog post specifically for single ladies who are still looking to attract the man who is right for them.  The request usually comes in the form of a complaint stating that there “are no good guys out there,” or that they are all “either married, gay, or way too young.”  On a planet with over 6 billion people, about half of which are male, and then about another half of those being unmarried and heterosexual, that leaves roughly about 1.5 billion guys out there who are available.  Let’s say that only half of those are “good guys.”  That still leaves 75 million good and available men.  And you only need 1, right? Chances are he’s out there!

When I work with a single woman, one of the first questions I ask her is what she wants in a relationship.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, she will immediately begin describing the man with whom she would like to be in a relationship. Usually, I’ll hear a “checklist” of qualities (criteria) that the man must meet – like his height, age, body type, education, salary, and type of job (including how much time he must have available to spend with her).  I have to interrupt her at some point and clarify that she’s not answering the question I originally asked her. Our conversation goes a little like this:

Her: What do you mean? I thought you asked me what I want in a relationship.

Me: Right, I asked you to tell me what it is that you want in a relationship.  In other words, what do you want to experience in a relationship?

Her: Oh! Sorry. What I want to experience is a relationship with a guy who is…”

Again, I have to stop her.  That wasn’t the question.

At this point, she is usually a little confused (and irritated), and I’ll explain that what I’m asking her to do is describe what she wants to experience in the relationship.

What do you want to feel in that relationship? What are the words that would describe that experience? Is it peace, partnership, transparency, romance, passion?  What do you want the relationship – not the man – to be like?

Why is it that  we want to take the focus off of “the guy,” if the whole purpose of the coaching session or workshop is to attract and marry the man who is right for you?  Well, because, until you are clear about what you want to experience in a relationship, you probably won’t recognize that you’re in it!

Too many times, women focus on a man’s physical characteristics, finances, education or work experience when they are thinking about being in a relationship.  If you ask them, they’ve dated guys who are their “type” before. So, why didn’t it work out?  Well, because “the checklist” – that insurmountable list of criteria that completely obliterates any chance a very large portion of the “good” available men has of even approaching you – has very little to do with the type of romance a you want to experience.

Think about it.  If your checklist includes that he needs to be at least 6 feet tall, with brown hair, and light brown eyes, what in the world does that have to do with how honest he will be with you?

How will the amount of education or the number of degrees he has impact his ability to hold you during your darkest times?

How does the amount of money he has in the bank affect his ability to make you laugh until you’re both crying?

What does the type of car he drives have to do with the way he looks at you and how he can make you feel like you are the only two people in a crowded room?

Short answer: None of these things have anything to do with the type of relationship your heart desires!

The checklist, while on the surface may seem is just a list of desired characteristics, is actually more like a suit of armor that women use to protect ourselves.

Protect ourselves?  From what?  Men?

No.  We use the checklist to protect ourselves from our own fears.  What we are afraid will happen or won’t happen.  What we are afraid we deserve or are unworthy of.  What we are afraid is not good or lovable enough about ourselves.  The checklist actually has nothing to do with him and everything to do with us, how we see ourselves, and what we feel we can have in a relationship!

So, what are some of those fears for which the checklist provides protection?

Well, if I’m afraid of having to struggle financially or having to financially support a man who is not capable of taking care of me, then I’ll make sure he makes a lot of money – or at least more than I do.

If I’m afraid that I’ll end up married to someone who isn’t capable of making good choices, then I’ll make sure I marry someone who at least got his Bachelor’s degree, because then I’ll know he’s “smart.”

If I’m afraid that there’s something about me that’s not good enough or lovable enough, then I’ll make sure he’s at least close to being “Greek God” material, because, if a guy that good looking is even interested in me, then I must be lovable, right?

If I’m afraid that we won’t have anything to talk about, then I’ll make sure that we have the same political, religious, and moral views, because then at least we’ll agree on most things.

Now, I’m not saying to drop your standards, deny your values, or to go date someone who reminds you of Quasimodo. So, if that’s what you’re hearing, you can relax (smile)!  All I’m saying is to consider that, perhaps, those “qualities,” “characteristics,” or “standards” may be covers for something else:  A way of keeping you “safe.”  Safe from heartbreak, disappointment, boredom, or anything else you are afraid may happen if a guy doesn’t meet a specific criteria or item on your checklist.

So, if you throw away the checklist, then how will you know you’re with the man who’s right for you?  I’ll address that in my next post.  For now, however, I invite you to do an exercise. Look down your list (my experience tells me it’s probably written somewhere and may even be posted somewhere online) and next to each item, see if you can identify what the fear behind that item is.

Expect some resistance.  Expect the little voice in your head to go nuts justifying and rationalizing why that’s an important thing to keep on the list.  Expect that little voice to call me a few names, too.  It’s okay.  That little voice is just afraid. She doesn’t like being vulnerable.  Just quiet her down long enough to at least consider that there may be something to what I’m saying.  I’m here for you if you need some help quieting her down. (smile)

Feel free to post your questions, comments, or ideas for future posts below.  We love hearing from you!

Notebook photo credit: net_efekt via photopin.com cc