by Gladys Diaz

I recently ended a relationship with a man that after almost two years of dating I realized was not in partnership.  As much as I wanted the relationship to work out, I saw qualities in him that would not make him a good husband.  I see where I could have ended this relationship sooner, but because of my age (I am 40 years old), I wanted to give it my all because I really wanted to be married and have a family.  I am now glad I ended it, because I know I wouldn’t have been happy married to him.  However, I now find myself at 40 years old wanting children and single.  I don’t know if I want to invest another 1-2 years in another relationship and then, if it doesn’t work, out find myself unable to have children.  I have looked into freezing my eggs but there is no 100% certainty that the eggs will be viable years from now.  I have also looked into sperm donors.  Adoption is not out of the question, but I would really like to have a child of my own.  What would you advise someone like me? 

Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us.  Wanting to have children is one of the first responses I get when I ask a woman what it is that she wants to experience in a relationship.  As a mother, I can completely understand why women want to experience this in their lives, and I wish this sort of joy on everyone!  However, as you well point out in your email, being in a happy relationship and being a mother are two completely different things. 

In today’s day and age, it’s become easier for women to have children, whether or not they are in a relationship.  However, too many children are born into unhappy marriages, and, since you reached out to me and I’m a relationship expert and not a fertility expert, I’d like to focus on the relationship side of your question, first.

You mentioned how you probably stayed in the relationship a little longer than you could have, but chose to stay because of your age and wanting to be married and have a family.  If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I completely agree with honoring your desire to be married and that I fully believe that it’s possible for every woman to be in a happy, loving relationship that lasts for a lifetime.  So, I acknowledge you for trying to work things out.

However, it’s also important that you acknowledge why you really chose to stay.  On the surface, it may seem that it was out of the desire to marry and have a family with him.  But if there were signs way before you left indicating that you probably would not have had a happy marriage with him, then there’s probably another reason – a deep-seeded fear – that may have had you stay.

What are some of the reasons that might have a woman choose to stay in a relationship with someone who may not be right for her?

• Not being sure of what you want in a relationship:  You’ve heard us say this before in our blog and at our events: If you’re not crystal-clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get.  Settling for less than what you want and deserve does not honor the beauty and wonder of who you are, nor will it allow you to ever feel truly fulfilled in a relationship.  When you get clear about what you want in a relationship, then you are able to see what does and doesn’t align with that.

• Fear of not being loved: The fear of being alone is only out-ranked by the fear of not being loved.  The fear of not having someone in our lives who will love and accept us exactly the way we are and the way we are not can drive us, again, to settle for less than what is possible for us in love and relationships.  The truth is that you are already naturally love-able – able to love and be loved.  The fact that you have not yet attracted the man with whom you’ll spend your life does not indicate that it will never happen.  Believe that experiencing true love is possible for you!

• Fear of taking a risk: I know it can be scary to get out there and start over again.  However, if what you want is to be in a happy loving marriage where you can then start creating a happy family, it’s going to take the courage and willingness to put your heart out there again.  This time, however, really be clear about what you want to experience so that you don’t spend 1-2 years trying to make something work that is not leading to the kind of relationship you want to experience.  Take some time to get to know different men, and, if you’re not having the experience of being happy, loved, and cherished, then have the courage to walk away and make room for the man who is willing to create that family and relationship with you.

Bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is not only unfair to the child, but it dishonors you and the love you are worthy of.  So, yes, look into all of your options for having a child and choose the one that works best for you.  And, if what you want to experience motherhood within a happy relationship where the two of you can be partners in life, love, and parenting, then get clear about what you want, remember that you are love-able, and be willing to take the risk to open up your heart and love again!

Comments?  Questions?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

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