by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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As someone who holds marriage to be a sacred bond of trust, and whose husband was lured away by another MARRIED woman, I say think twice before going down this path. There are too many forces pulling at marriage today and not enough keeping them together. There are also some great programs for couples who are having problems but want to stay together and just can’t seem to get beyond the bickering and problems. If you really love this guy, encourage him to think about what he has and why he’s unhappy. Is he immature? Ungrateful for what he has? Has he tried telling his wife how he feels to solve their problems? As Gladys so wisely intimated, he may want to have his cake and eat it, too.
D-R-A-M-A. Women want to be respected and they go pull this C-R-A-P. “I’m an adult I can choose…” I hear this all the time and they act like this? Seriously. It’s like babysitting a bunch of potty trained prima donnas who can’t pull their big girl panties up to get away from the drama because they have nothing else in their lives. They’re devoid an interesting cell in their body. It’s no wonder they have to glom onto some guy to validate them. I spent too much time on delivering my ego to men…what a waste of time. If I had that time back I’d be so happy I’d be a millionaire 10x over if I didn’t WASTE time on stupid relationship. There’s not one relationship with any man who’s worth all this. I’ve only got to ask this woman…what the Hell are you doing? Am I a cynic? For sure. Single and lovin’ lovin’ lovin’ my life!! <3
While I agree that this is way too much drama to have in one’s life, I think this writer is seeking guidance. When we’re courageous enough to reach out for guidance and listen to it we serve ourselves well. Being in love is not about settling or giving up the things that you love in your life. It’s about opening your heart to allow someone in who wants to add to that inner joy. There’s really nothing else like the experience of loving and being loved fully, with no conditions! I highly recommend it! 🙂
I congratulate her for not taking the next step. A lot of women would have already gone too far with a married man.
I’ve been married to TWO cheaters. In my second marriage, we conquered the cheating (which actually stemmed from his mental health issues) and are working very hard to rebuild the marriage.
Here’s the thing about married men who tell other women they are miserable in their marriage: They are almost certainly either outright lying or they are exaggerating. If they were REALLY that miserable, they’d have already left.
Period.
Thanks for sharing with us, Gwynne. I acknowledge you for having the courage and commitment to work on rebuilding your marriage. Let me know if I can be of any support!
I agree with you that when a man is really unhappy and ready to leave, he will. It’s always best to wait until a man is fully available before even contemplating anything more than a platonic friendship. It simply isn’t worth all of the drama or the heartache.