by Gladys Diaz

How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship? Especially me, who had short lived relationship of 3 ½ months, how do I change? I know everyone tells me that it’s not me but it’s hard to believe it’s not me. They tell me I shouldn’t change for someone but I would think I would have to, because if I couldn’t make this short relationship work for only 3.5 months how will I ever have a lasting long term one?

The last serious relationship I had before this short one was over ten years ago and I caught him cheating and after that I just concentrated on my son getting him through high school and college so now I need to figure how to live and find someone I can offer something to God willing?

I can hear that you are frustrated and that you really do want to be in a relationship.  I also hear that you’re not exactly sure what it is that you want to experience in a relationship.

I agree with your friends that you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order for someone to love you, because you – the essence of who you are – is who you want someone to fall in love with.

There are, however, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that don’t serve us or stop us from having what it is that we want to experience, that we may need to change.  The first step, however, is to address the question at the beginning of your email: How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship?

You mention having had your heart broken twice – once as a result of a betrayal, and the other after your last relationship. Having your heart broken is never easy, and it can seem even more painful when the heartache is due to someone betraying the trust we placed in them.  I’ve also found that it’s not uncommon for women to focus on other things – their children, their careers, their hobbies and interests – as a way to avoid the possibility of having to experience that sort of heartache again.

The problem is that, if what your heart truly desires is to be in a relationship, even if you find pleasure and satisfaction in the other things you are focusing on, part of you may always feel unfulfilled, because you are not honoring that desire.  The only way to truly feel fulfilled is to honor our truth and to be willing to take a risk – yes, even one that involves potential heartache – in order to experience what we truly want.

You ask how you can truly know what you want in a relationship.  Many times, women will begin to list what it is they want to find in a man or the type of man with whom they want to be in a relationship.  However, the love and happiness we seek will never be found in another person.  That’s way too much responsibility and pressure to put on another human being who is already dealing with being responsible for his own happiness.  Instead, what you want to focus on is how you want to feel within that relationship.  What is the type of experience you’d like to have?

When you think about or envision yourself being in a “happy relationship,” what does that mean? 

What does it feel like?  What are the emotions you feel that let you know that you know that you know that this is it?

What does it look like?  How do you relate to one another?  What are the things you do that let both of you know that you are exactly where you’ve always dreamed you’d be inside of a relationship?

What does it sound like?  What are the words that you speak and say to one another?  How do you speak to one another?  What’s the experience of speaking and being heard by one another like?

Really try to envision yourself in the type of relationship you dream of being in. 

If you’re still not sure of what that dream relationship would be like, picture couples who you consider to be happy together.  What do you notice when you observe them?  What makes it seem like theirs is a good relationship?

Don’t rush to answer.  Give it some thought.  Many of us have not asked ourselves these types of questions, because we’re so focused on meeting him and on how he needs to look, be, and act that we don’t always think about what it is we’d like to create with him – whoever he is – once we attract him into our lives.

So, take your time, allow yourself to dream big, and then begin to live and be the qualities you’d like to see in your dream relationship so that you can attract someone who also wants to create that with you!

Comments?  Questions?  Let us know below! We love hearing from you!

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