by Gladys Diaz

Yesterday I received this beautiful quote about marriage in my inbox and just had to create a picture quote for it!  It really captures the essence of a marriage and what it takes to make it work!

Too many times, I work with women who, when I ask them what they would like to see happen in their relationships or marriages, will respond with everything their boyfriend or husband is not doing, or not doing well enough.

For example, the other day I was speaking with a woman who was fed up with her husband.  She felt that he wasn’t playing his part in the marriage– he wasn’t helping to take care of the home or children, he wasn’t managing the finances, he wasn’t making any of the important (and not-so-important) decisions, and he wasn’t doing anything to try to help save their marriage. This left her feeling angry, disappointed, and frustrated.  It also led her to nag, complain, and tell her husband repeatedly what he should be doing differently, only to have him withdraw even further.

Is this resonating with anyone out there?

I could hear her frustration and sadness, and I also heard how the entire conversation was focused on what she felt he should be doing. Those unmet expectations were causing her to feel the anger and resentment that were spilling over into every conversation and contact she and her husband had.

See, as long as we are focused on what the other person in the relationship is or isn’t doing, we are not looking at the role we’re playing in creating the dynamic we have. As long as I’m focused on what my husband is doing, what he’s not doing, or what he’s not doing well enough, I don’t have to look over here – at me – which is thing I can really control.

So, what can we do to ensure that we are giving our own 100% in the relationship?

1. Focus on yourself.  Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to be changed can be like trying to tell the wind to stop blowing. No matter how much you try, beg, or plead, it’s not going to happen!  Rather than focusing all of your time, energy, and attention on trying to make him better, look to see where you might better place your focus.  Perhaps you can choose to focus more on gratitude than complaining?  Perhaps it’s not what you’re saying to him but the way you’re saying it that is causing the opposite of what you want to show up.  Perhaps it’s simply choosing to let go of trying to make him want do something, and just say that you need help and allow him to respond.  By focusing on your own actions, reactions, and words, you are more likely to shift the dynamic in the relationship.

2. Change your perspective.  One of my favorite sayings is “Energy flows where attention goes.”  What we choose to focus on becomes stronger and what we resist persists.  So, rather than focusing on everything he’s not doing or not doing well enough, focus on the things he is doing, and express gratitude.  Even if all you do is acknowledge the effort the energy you are sending is now a  positive one of gratitude, rather than the negative one of complaining.  Chances are that he’ll notice the appreciation and that will motivate him to want to continue doing things that make you smile, rather than scowl.  So change your perspective and look for those behaviors and actions you’d like to see more of!

3. Be open to different possibilities.  Chances are that you and guy are not always going to see eye-to-eye.  A relationship is made up of two individuals, each with his/her own ideas, preferences, and ways of doing things.  Many times, having rigid expectations and only allowing for the possibility of things turning out my way and not allowing for there to be other possible ways can cause frustration, as well.   Creating a partnership is about allowing for each individual to contribute of him-/herself.  So, check to see if you’ve been having a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, and begin to open up to the possibility that there are other routes to your desired destination.  You may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!

As the quote above says, when we focus on giving our own 100% to the relationship, then we won’t spend time looking to see what the other person is or is not doing in the relationship.  We’ll have our attention focused on the side of the relationship we can control: ourselves.  And, in doing that, not only do we allow our partner to do the same, but we can rest assured knowing that we’re doing everything in our power to make our relationship complete.

Questions? Comments?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net