by Gladys Diaz
Do you have “high standards” or “unrealistic expectations?”
Just think about that for a minute….
This is a HOT topic that we get asked questions about all the time because it can be confusing. We can trick ourselves into thinking we have high standards, when what we really have are unrealistic expectations that are leading to missed opportunities, heartache in relationships, and unnecessary drama.
And men don’t like drama! 😉
So… what’s the difference?
And how can you be sure you know where you are coming from?
Standards are aligned with your values. They are based on your beliefs, they are good for your life, and protect you from unnecessary harm and heartache.
Having standards in dating looks like not dating someone that does drugs or is addicted to alcohol. It also looks like dating someone who has integrity and does what he says he’ll do.
Standards come from inside of you.
Expectations are things that you are “requiring” from someone else and are usually based on a “list” of criteria that you think a person should meet. They are preferences.
Expectations in dating looks like not dating someone who hasn’t gotten a college education or who doesn’t happen to be an entrepreneur. It looks like not dating someone who has/hasn’t been married before or who does/doesn’t already have kids. It also looks like not dating someone who’s an introvert or who isn’t over 6 feet tall.
In relationships, it looks like not appreciating the things your man does for you or always making him feel like he has to be a certain way. It looks like expecting your man to love you no matter how you behave, even when you’.
Expectations are something you’re looking for out there. They have nothing to do with who a person actually is, and everything to do with what you’ve made up about what certain things mean about them.
Expectations come from fear.
They come from what we saw as a child, what we’ve experienced in other relationships, or from an irrational or imagined fear.
So, think about it again… in your relationships, and dating are you coming from a set of standards or are you coming from a set of expectations?
How is that affecting your experience of love and relationships?
What is it costing you to have those unrealistic expectations of others?
What are you afraid is/isn’t going to happen if you don’t stick to your expectations?
We get it. We have both experienced this on both sides of the equation.
When Michelle was dating after her divorce, she was desperately trying to prove that there was nothing wrong with her. She’d experienced a lot of hurt in her past relationship and wasn’t going to go there again. So, she set expectations. He had to be older, he had to be established in his career, and he also had to be divorced with kids so he’d understand how she felt.
She set these expectations thinking she was just doing what was best for herself, but she was protecting and not allowing herself to actually be and get to know the men she was with, which led to a terrible dating experience!
If she’d stayed committed to those preferences, she would have missed out on being married to the amazing man she’s married to today, because he – who was younger, was in transition between careers, had never been married, or had kids – wouldn’t have even shown up on her radar, because he didn’t meet all of those requirements.
For me, I remember experiencing this in my marriage. By thinking that my way was the right way, I was constantly making my husband feel like he wasn’t enough. And, while the words, “You’re not enough” NEVER came out of my mouth and I truly thought I was communicating well and just trying to make him better, it left him feeling unhappy, unsure of himself, and disrespected.
It makes me emotional just thinking about how I made the man that I love more than anything, and who I promised to love no matter what, feel any of those things.
Now, what about you?
What are you currently experiencing in dating and in your relationships? And what do you WANT to experience?
If through reading, you’ve realized that maybe you’re coming more from expectations, it’s okay! You just need to look at that and ask yourself what’s the fear underneath it all that is stopping you from having the experience you want in relationships.
Because once you get to the bottom of the fear, you can start to build up from there.
During our Love Chat with the Love Twins this week, one of our past clients said this :
“Please listen to the Love Twins! Once I got rid of the superficial requirements for a man…like height, hair and even education!! I concentrated on how do i feel… and I found a man who treats me like a Queen. Thank you Gladys and Michelle your HeartWork… it works!”
We want you to experience the relationship of your dreams. To wake up every morning next to the person you love and who loves you in return.
Don’t let your expectations keep you from having that. Because the person you end up with might surprise you and that surprise will be the best gift you give yourself, IF you allow it to be!
Lots of love,
Gladys & Michelle
The Love Twins