by Gladys Diaz
Do you have a fear of abandonment?
If you’re dating, do you constantly fear that no man will stick around, causing you anxiety and stress through the process?
If you’re in a relationship or married, do you torment yourself with thoughts that he’ll cheat or leave?
Do you feel like it doesn’t matter how much they tell you that they’re going to stay, you still worry?
If so, then you most likely have a fear of abandonment.
And this doesn’t mean that you have a parent that left you… though it might. Any experience of feeling like someone left you, any experience as a child or teenager, can leave you with this fear.
For me, our Dad died when we were 3 years old. My mom told us that he had “gone to live with the angels” but my little 3-year old brain didn’t understand what that meant. I just wondered what would make my dad leave me? That was the beginning of my abandonment fears.
Then, when we were 15, we went to live with other relatives because my mother, who had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and alcoholism (not a good combination!) left. I wondered why my mother didn’t love us? Did she love alcohol more?
And that fear of separation and abandonment was reinforced.
Because of those experiences a few behaviors were created. I became very needy. I constantly needed others to validate me and reassure me of their love. I had a need to prove how great I was and often found that in order to do that I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I was super jealous in relationships and would create unnecessary drama.
In every relationship, I created one of two things. Either they would leave or I would leave before they could get the chance.
I was never getting to experience true intimacy in a relationship because I wasn’t allowing myself to go there.
Can you relate?
Here’s the thing. High-quality, integritous, confident men will not put up with this in a relationship. No matter how much they love you. If a man constantly feels like you don’t trust him or that he can’t make you happy, it affects his confidence and he will eventually withdraw or leave altogether.
Through your behavior you are actually creating the very thing you fear.
So how do you overcome this fear before it destroys your relationship?
- Ask yourself – Who am I being in my life and this relationship that has me think that it’s so easy to pick up and leave me? – Asking yourself this question really opens up for you to explore the responsibility for your behavior. It also will help you to uncover what happened that had you make the decision that you were and will continue to be abandoned.
- Resolve – completely accept the reality of what happened. – For me that was 1. My dad died and 2. My mom needed help and had to leave. Those are the facts. That is the truth without any of my meaning-making behind it. Once you can 100% accept the reality of what happened you can step into your power.
- Dismantle the underlying beliefs. – Once you have uncovered the core belief, where it came from, and resolve it for yourself, you can uncover the other limiting beliefs about yourself. Once I accepted the reality I started to get that I am loveable. I will be okay. I am worth sticking around for.
And that’s when relationships started to get good.
Because the truth is… love is not enough. Relationships take love, respect, communication and trust to work.
So… will you do the HeartWork? And if you need support will you schedule a call with us? Sometimes this is tough work that having support could make all the difference for you! What if you could liberate yourself from fear and anxiety in your relationships? How much would that be worth to you?