by Gladys Diaz

The other day I was speaking with a woman about some of the difficulties she has been experiencing in relationships.  We began discussing some of the patterns she’s been experiencing in relationships – attracting emotionally unavailable men; not moving from the “dating phase” into being in a relationship; and how, when she is in a relationship, trust and communication issues begin to creep in and the relationship is soon over.

As we spoke, I helped her uncover some of the recurring thoughts and behaviors that were impacting her and her relationships before, during, and while dating a man, and how many of these had to do with setting healthy boundaries.

Now, there is a lot of talk out there about what boundaries are and how they should look in dating and relationships, so, before I go on, let me clarify:

The boundaries you set in relationships are intended for YOU, not the other person!

This bears repeating: Your boundaries are for YOU, not him.

Too many times, the information out there about setting healthy relationship boundaries is encouraging women to create a bunch of “rules,” requirements, and criteria a man must meet in order to be with her.  The idea is that she sets up all of these restrictions in order to eliminate getting hurt or wasting her time.

While I agree that relationships are not intended to be hurtful or a waste of time, it’s important that you understand that boundaries are not a list of rules or requirements someone else must follow or respect in order to be able to be with you.

Setting healthy boundaries is about you deciding what you want, what works and doesn’t work for you, and what you will do to ensure that you respect and honor those boundaries yourself.

For example, if one of the relationship boundaries you have set is that you will only sleep with a man once you are in a committed and monogamous relationship, then that is a boundary you have set for yourself, which means you are responsible for not putting yourself in situations where you might be tempted to go beyond that boundary.

Notice how I said that you are the one responsible. Letting a guy know that this is what you prefer is important.  However, once you’ve shared that information with him, it’s not fair to make him responsible for honoring that boundary, especially if you’re going to keep putting yourself in situations that keep pushing the envelope further and further every time the two of you are together.

If, for example, you have a personal boundary about the communication in your relationships being loving and respectful, then it’s up to you to make sure that when you speak – even (and especially) when you are upset – you remain calm, refraining from hurling insults, and that you’re willing to listen to the other person as much as you would like to be heard.  If you’re not honoring that boundary, then you can’t expect or make the other person responsible for speaking to you in a calm, respectful manner, or to listen when it’s your turn to speak.

Having healthy boundaries for yourself is important.

Being clear about what you want to experience and how you would like to be treated in a relationship is critical to actually manifesting that in your life. 

However, remember that the boundaries you set are not requirements, rules, or criteria that someone else must follow.  They are intended for you, and, when you honor them, you honor yourself, which then makes it easier for others to honor you, as well!

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!