If there’s one thing that Facebook has done for the world of dating and relationships, it’s made the question, “What are we, anyway?” come up for both men and women alike. Some people actually measure the “validity” of a relationship based on whether or not their partner changes his or her status and makes it known to the virtual world!
So, how do you know when you’re “officially” in a relationship? Well, to quote my sister and business partner, Michelle:
You’re not in a relationship… until you are!
One of the biggest issues single ladies face is not knowing when they are actually in a relationship. Is it when you’ve dates someone for a predetermined amount of time or a certain number of dates? Is it when he asks you to stay over? When he introduces you to his friends and family?
Compound all of this with reality that men and women approach dating and relationships differently, and it’s not hard to understand why perhaps seeing that someone changes his relationship status on line makes what’s been taking place between the two of them seem “official”!
Perhaps one of the biggest differences between men and women when it comes to dating is this:
Men go out on dates. Women go out relationships!
Laugh if you like, but you know on some level that it’s true. You’re sitting there on a date, having a wonderful piece of salmon while he eats his steak. He mentions how he loves snorkeling. All of a sudden, you’re in your head:
“I love snorkeling, but… Oh, my! I’m nowhere near bikini- or bathing suit-ready! I need to start working out! And, I wonder where we’ll go?The Florida Keys? Hawaii? Yes, Hawaii! I’ve always wanted to go to there… and it would be the perfect place to go on our honeymoon! Oh, my goodness! How romantic! We’re going to have such a great time!
And, while you’re making plans to book a few sessions with a personal trainer and start looking at travel brochures, what’s he doing? He still enjoying his steak! When this happens, not only are you not present to what’s happening on the date, but now you’re so focused on a future that isn’t even happening, that you’re missing really important information and signals that might let you know whether or not this is someone that you’d want to go on a second date, much less, snorkeling with!
Now, that’s only on the first few dates, but, what about when you begin seeing each other more consistently?
If you ask most women, it’s at about the 3-month mark that they begin to wonder whether or not they are in a relationship. Now the temptation rises to bring it up – to tell him, “We need to talk ” – which by the way, is like the “kiss of death” when it comes to inviting someone (especially a man) to have a conversation! And, usually, the announcement that we need to talk is followed by a barrage of questions about where he sees this relationship going and what his intentions are.
Now, do I think it’s important to know whether the person you’re dating is on the same page as you, as far as wanting to have a committed relationship that leads to marriage? Yes!
However, putting him in the uncomfortable position of now having to answer the machine gun of questions may feel like “pressure” and it cheats you out of hearing him say, “I don’t want to see anyone else, and I’d like it if you felt the same way.” He may not say it in those exact words, but, trust me, if you release the need to control the way things go, he will be the one to bring it up! And there’s nothing sweeter than hearing him say that because he wants to date you exclusively and not because he feels like he has to!
But what if your guy hasn’t updated his status or brought up the subject of commitment or exclusivity? Well, then, pay attention. Look for the signs around you.
Is he making time to see you? Does he go out of his way to please and see you happy? Are there other ways that he’s letting you know in his actions and words that he’s not interested in seeing or being with anyone else but you?
If not, you may want to reconsider whether you want to continue investing your heart, time and attention in a friendship (with or without benefits) that isn’t going where you’d like it to. But, if there are signs that he’s moving toward making a commitment to you, then just breathe, get present, and allow the relationship to unfold naturally. You’ll enjoy the ride much better when you’re not the one at the wheel, and you’ll get to enjoy the sweet joy of knowing that he can’t imagine being with anyone other than you!
Want to hear more about how to tell what your relationship status is? Join us and the Networking Divas, tonight, April 24th from 6:00-9:00pm, for their Give n’ Take Networking Event, for the “What Are We?” Relationship Discussion! This event is the perfect combination of business and pleasure, as you’ll be able to meet and network with other professionals, as well as participate in what’s sure to be a fun and informative discussion with a panel that includes us – The Twin Love Coaches – and Michelle’s husband, Arnie! Come join us for a night of networking, fun, and good food at the Ginger Bay Café! RSVP here!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Yes, I know it’s past 2:00 a.m., but I’m too excited to sleep! I keep thinking about the big announcement I’m going to make on Monday, April 22nd! Why am I so excited? Because I have put so much love into this project! I’m excited about sharing it with you. And I’m excited about what this means for you and me and the women in your life who are going to be part of it.
So, since I couldn’t sleep anyway, I thought I’d make another video and share it with you! But, hey, if you’re up at this hour like I am, remember to turn down the volume! Everyone else is sleeping!
When it comes to surprises, I’m like a little girl! I love getting them and I love giving them, too. The best part for me is keeping the secret and imagining how much the person is going to love surprise! That’s why I’m so excited about the special announcement I’ll be making on Monday, April 22! For the past several months I have been working on a very special project that is going to completely transform women’s lives!
I can’t tell you what it is just yet (I don’t want to ruin the surprise), but I did make you a video giving you a few hints about it!
The other day, I experienced some really frustrating moments. Thankfully, they were not related to my relationship, but, as usual, I still had the chance to learn a great lesson about how to make a relationship work!
After my husband had spent hours working on a creating a new web page for my business, we found that it was suddenly GONE! All of the work we’d done, even our ability to access the administrative site was completely gone!
I panicked! I was on a deadline and was already behind schedule. I didn’t know what to do, and neither did my husband. Immediately, my husband went online to try to find a way to fix it. What did I do? I called someone I knew who works with websites. It was going to cost us $60/hour just to have him take a look. I reached out to someone else I knew, but she wasn’t responding to my message. Then I went online to try to figure out how to fix it myself. The problem? When I read information about websites, html code, plugins and widgets, it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher (“Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!”).
I collapsed in a heaping pile of nerves and tears. How was I going to fix this? What was I going to tell the people waiting for me to deliver what I’d promised? Why couldn’t I figure this out?
I called my sister and hysterically explained what happened, and she managed to help me calm down. That helped me think and listen to what was going on inside of myself a little more clearly. And what I heard was eye-opening for me.
My husband said he would figure it out.He’s downstairs right now, working on it.
What am I doing? Why am I trying to fix this myself?
Why can’t I just let go and trust him to take care of this?
Realizing that I had jumped into “control-mode” was eye- and heart-opening, to say the least. My fear had caused me to ignore the fact that my husband was downstairs trying to solve the problem for me. My need to know how things were going to turn out had me step in, knowing full-well that I didn’t know what I was doing, which only made me feel more anxious. More importantly, I saw that there was still a fear of completely trusting my husband to take care of the situation… to take care of me!
I took a deep breath… and I let go.
I started working on something else, gave it my full attention, and felt the fear and anxiety begin to fade.
A few hours later, my husband texted me to go ahead and reach out to the guy, because he couldn’t figure it out. He told me he’d pay for the services. Then he apologized for letting me down. WHAT?!?
I told him he hadn’t let me down. I thanked him for the hours he’d spent trying to fix the problem and said that I’d reach out to the guy, but that I’d prefer if he spoke with him, because I didn’t understand all of this techie stuff. He agreed (helping me solve another problem).
The next day, my husband had several conversations with the guy and everything was taken care of. He rebuilt the website and sent me the link so that I could see it was up and running. When I texted him with “I love it! <smiley face>,” he responded: “That’s why I don’t give up. That smile, right there!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: My husband is my hero!
So, what were the main lessons I learned? It allcomes down to trust!
1. Trust him to solve some of your problems. Many people associate trust in a relationship with loyalty and fidelity, and that is certainly part of what makes a relationship work. But there’s another level of trust in a relationship. The one that allows you to trust and believe that there is someone else there to help, support and take care of you – not because you are incapable of taking care of yourself, but, because in a relationship, you no longer have to.
2. Trust that he has your best interests at heart. Men want the women they love to be happy and to know that they had something to do with that happiness. If your guy makes a decision that ends up not having the most desirable results (he loses some money in an investment, he makes the wrong turn when you’re already late to an important event, he chooses to start his own business and ends up making less money than he used to), trust that he didn’t intend to disappoint you. Trust that, if he could have, he would have avoided disappointing you.
3. Trust that everything will work out in the end. When I think back to the other day, I realize that things were not as “bad” as they occurred for me that day. There was a back-up on the server, so we were able to get back most of the information we’d lost. I had people around me who were trying to help: my husband, my sister, the web guy, and my coach’s virtual assistant, who was amazing in telling us what we needed to tell the web guy. I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t so bad, and things worked out in the end. If I’d trusted that it would work out, I would have saved myself a lot of stress, anxiety, and wasted energy!
Learning to trust is one of those relationship skills that takes repetition to “build the muscle,” but the pay-off are so sweet: knowing someone is there who wants to help and has your best interests at heart, and the reassurance that, in the end, no matter what happens, you still have each other!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Yesterday I received this beautiful quote about marriage in my inbox and just had to create a picture quote for it! It really captures the essence of a marriage and what it takes to make it work!
Too many times, I work with women who, when I ask them what they would like to see happen in their relationships or marriages, will respond with everything their boyfriend or husband is not doing, or not doing well enough.
For example, the other day I was speaking with a woman who was fed up with her husband. She felt that he wasn’t playing his part in the marriage– he wasn’t helping to take care of the home or children, he wasn’t managing the finances, he wasn’t making any of the important (and not-so-important) decisions, and he wasn’t doing anything to try to help save their marriage. This left her feeling angry, disappointed, and frustrated. It also led her to nag, complain, and tell her husband repeatedly what he should be doing differently, only to have him withdraw even further.
Is this resonating with anyone out there?
I could hear her frustration and sadness, and I also heard how the entire conversation was focused on what she felt he should be doing. Those unmet expectations were causing her to feel the anger and resentment that were spilling over into every conversation and contact she and her husband had.
See, as long as we are focused on what the other person in the relationship is or isn’t doing, we are not looking at the role we’re playing in creating the dynamic we have. As long as I’m focused on what my husband is doing, what he’s not doing, or what he’s not doing well enough, I don’t have to look over here – at me – which is thing I can really control.
So, what can we do to ensure that we are giving our own 100% in the relationship?
1. Focus on yourself. Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to be changed can be like trying to tell the wind to stop blowing. No matter how much you try, beg, or plead, it’s not going to happen! Rather than focusing all of your time, energy, and attention on trying to make him better, look to see where you might better place your focus. Perhaps you can choose to focus more on gratitude than complaining? Perhaps it’s not what you’re saying to him but the way you’re saying it that is causing the opposite of what you want to show up. Perhaps it’s simply choosing to let go of trying to make him want do something, and just say that you need help and allow him to respond. By focusing on your own actions, reactions, and words, you are more likely to shift the dynamic in the relationship.
2.Change your perspective. One of my favorite sayings is “Energy flows where attention goes.” What we choose to focus on becomes stronger and what we resist persists. So, rather than focusing on everything he’s not doing or not doing well enough, focus on the things he is doing, and express gratitude. Even if all you do is acknowledge the effort the energy you are sending is now a positive one of gratitude, rather than the negative one of complaining. Chances are that he’ll notice the appreciation and that will motivate him to want to continue doing things that make you smile, rather than scowl. So change your perspective and look for those behaviors and actions you’d like to see more of!
3. Be open to different possibilities. Chances are that you and guy are not always going to see eye-to-eye. A relationship is made up of two individuals, each with his/her own ideas, preferences, and ways of doing things. Many times, having rigid expectations and only allowing for the possibility of things turning out my way and not allowing for there to be other possible ways can cause frustration, as well. Creating a partnership is about allowing for each individual to contribute of him-/herself. So, check to see if you’ve been having a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, and begin to open up to the possibility that there are other routes to your desired destination. You may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!
As the quote above says, when we focus on giving our own 100% to the relationship, then we won’t spend time looking to see what the other person is or is not doing in the relationship. We’ll have our attention focused on the side of the relationship we can control: ourselves. And, in doing that, not only do we allow our partner to do the same, but we can rest assured knowing that we’re doing everything in our power to make our relationship complete.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Being in a relationship – especially a new relationship – can be exciting! It can be really tempting to want to spend every waking moment with a guy who is making you feel special, beautiful and happy! Who can blame us! That feeling of hope and anticipation that maybe this could be the one fills us with hope, joy, and all sorts of butterflies in our stomachs!
Many times, the more we get to know a guy, the more we tend forget about ourselves, the things we love to do, and the people who have been there for us before he stepped into our lives. It’s not uncommon for women to begin canceling lunch dates with friends, spending less time with family, and even stop participating in some of the activities they used to do before they started dating a new guy. We stay up until all hours of the night on the phone or out on a date, stop exercising, and sometimes we even forget to eat!
It’s no wonder that when I ask women what one of their biggest fears is when it comes to dating, marriage, and relationships, one of the top answers is, “I’m afraid of losing myself in the relationship.”
While all of this is perfectly natural, it’s important that we remember to keep our lives, even though he’s in it! Why? Well, just ask some of the women in your life who have been in a relationship or marriage for a while and who didn’t do this. They will let you know how unhappy and unfulfilling it can be to forget about yourself and who you are once you’re in a relationship.
I know this to be true, because it happened to me. It took me 7 years – and getting over a lot of guilt and resentment – to begin to find myself again!
Losing and Finding Myself Again
I don’t even know how it happened. It’s not like my husband – then-boyfriend – ever asked me to stop singing, exercising, or going out with my girlfriends. It’s not like he said I shouldn’t go to church or take courses I was interested in. He never once even mentioned anything like this. However, I gradually stopped doing the things that I enjoyed – the thing that made me ME, and, after a few years I was so full of resentment that I misdirected toward my husband. Truth be told, I was angry at myself and wasn’t sure what I could do to change the habits I’d created over the years.
Little by little, I began practicing more self-care and doing the things I enjoyed again. I started taking courses, starting my spiritual practices, and going out with my girlfriends again. I began taking time to get my hair done at a time that worked for me, and, slowly, but surely, I began to feel like me again!
Now, it took some time for us – both my husband and me – to get used me taking and making time for me. I did struggle at times with guilt about not spending time with my husband and kids. However, the happier and more fulfilled I became, the more encouraging he became and the easier it was!
So, what are some of the things you can do to avoid losing yourself in a relationship?
1. Focus on you. I know it seems counter-intuitive in a relationship, but the more you focus on making yourself happy, the better your relationship will be! It’s okay to spend some time apart. And he’ll love the idea of you being happy and having fun, even if he has to wait to see you.
2. Nourish other relationships. It’s easy to want to spend a lot of time with the man you love. However, don’t forget all the people who were there for you through the good times and bad, while he was finding his way to you! Spend time with your family and friends, even if he doesn’t come along.
3. Give him space to keep his life, too. I know it’s hard to believe, but he also had a life before you, so it’s likely he’ll have things he likes to do, friends and family he wants to spend time with, and times he’ll want to be alone. Avoid the temptation to feel jealous or try to guilt him into spending time with you. Feeling like he has the space to be himself will make him feel happy, too (Plus, he’ll be the envy of all of his friends whose girlfriends/wives are calling, texting, and giving them hard time while they’re hanging out with him!)
The more you take time to do the things you enjoy, that make you feel peaceful and allow you to express yourself and be you, the better girlfriend, wife, and parent you will be. Why? Because you can’t be peaceful, loving, and patient if you’re feeling frazzled, resentful, and depleted! By keeping your life even though he’s in it, you will be replenishing your mind, body, and spirit regularly, which is a critical ingredient for creating an intimate and happy relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Want to learn more about how to not lose yourself in a relationship? Then join us on Tuesdays, for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle. We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives. Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!
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