by Gladys Diaz

To say that last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Miami was difficult to watch would be an incredible understatement.  I don’t know what was worse: Knowing that Karent’s heart was about to be broken on national TV, that some of the women might enjoy seeing this happen, or that Lea and Lisa were advising her to give Rodolfo an ultimatum and give him a time limit on how long she was going to wait for him to decide whether or not he wanted to marry and have kids with her.

As I mentioned in the previous “’Reality’ Check” blog post, giving ultimatums, making demands, or trying to somehow guilt or manipulate a man into doing something is a waste of time, energy, and puts all of the power regarding the relationship “over there,” with him.

Karent has been clear about the fact that she wants to get married and have children. She’s mentioned it to Rodolfo several times on the show, so we can assume there have been other conversations about it. However, the only person who can decide how long she is willing to wait for her to make the decision is Karent.  While she would like Rodolfo to be the one with whom she will share her life, he’s not the one who is responsible for her being in a relationship that is not heading in that direction.

By the way, displacement of responsibility is not a Karent-only phenomenon.  We’ve all done it at some point: put someone else on the hook for a choice we either wanted or didn’t want to make.  The thing about giving ultimatums is that you put the responsibility for your life, your happiness, and your ability to create the life and love you desire in somebody else’s hands.

When it comes to deciding when it’s time to end a dead-end relationship or a “perpetual dating” relationship (one where you’re together, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere), you have to be clear about (1) what you want to experience in the relationship; (2) how long you are willing to wait.  This doesn’t mean that you would never share with your boyfriend what it is that you want.  Quite the contrary!  The part you want to leave out, however, is the one that requires him to make the decision. So, how do you do that?

1. Share what you want simply and purely.

So, if what you want, in order to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship is to be married, that’s what you say: “For me to be happy and fulfilled, I want to be married.” That’s it. The problem is that we add on all the reason why this is important, we tell him we feel like our biological clock is ticking, we try to “guilt” him into seeing how much it hurts us that he hasn’t asked us to be married.  And some women even go so far as to propose to the man, just to make sure they get what they want, even though, what they really want is for him to want to marry them.  However, they cheat themselves out of ever really knowing if that’s what he wants, because, even if he says “Yes,” they’ll never know if he would have ever proposed on his own.

2. Don’t expect him to say or do anything after you share your desires.

After you let him know that what you want is to be married, let it go.  You’ve told him what you want.  If you said it only to see whether he would agree, ask you to marry him on the spot, or to get any type of affirmation or reaction, the only thing you succeeded in doing was “being strategic.”  When we say or do something in order to get someone to do or say something in response, we are being controlling and manipulative – neither of which promotes intimacy.

3. Don’t make this a “break-up” conversation.

This conversation is not an ultimatum, so make sure you avoid making it sound like “Unless you propose, I’m breaking up with you.”  This is just about you honoring and expressing your desire to be married.  While you may already know how much longer you are willing to wait (and you don’t have to), this wouldn’t be something you would share during this particular conversation.  You are the one who gets to choose how much longer you will wait, so keep the conversation as light and drama-free as possible.  Don’t have it during an argument, don’t start crying or yelling.  Say it as simply as you would say, “For me to feel rested, I like to have 8 hours of sleep,”  or “For me to feel relaxed, I like to do all of my chores before laying down on the couch.”  No one else is responsible for the amount of sleep you get (unless you have a newborn!) or whether or not you finish your chores before or after laying down on the couch.  You are.  And it’s doesn’t have to be a “heavy,” “significant,” or “serious”  serious conversation (Please, whatever you do, don’t preface what you are going to say with, “We need to talk.” That’s like the Kiss of Death for having a conversation with a man!). This is just about you sharing what you want.

So, get clear about what you want, share it purely, and then let it go.  Resist the temptation to do or say anything that will have you “forcing” or making something happen.  Remember, you won’t have to manipulate, trick or strong-arm the man of your dreams to be with you.  He won’t be able to get enough of you!  By just sharing what you want simply and purely, you release him from any “obligations” or guilt, and you avoid cheating yourself out of knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

Next week’s episode looks like it’s going to be even tougher to watch.  I’m interested in seeing just how supportive Karent’s “friends” are while she’s coming to terms with everything she’s learning.  No matter how strong, positive, or wealthy you are, a heartache hurts, and I hope that the ladies will put their differences, cattiness, and agendas aside long enough to at least extend some compassion and understanding  to Karent.  Because, I agree with Adriana on this one: This is the kind of experience – regardless of the love lessons that can be learned – that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy!

Comments or questions?  Share them below!  We love hearing from you!

Image courtesy of marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net