by Gladys Diaz
Last week, I shared about having gone to a conference for two days full days and how, in the past I would have felt guilty about doing something like that. Based on some of your responses, many of you relate to feeling guilty about putting yourselves first.
One of the things I didn’t mention is that, after having prepared all of the meals for my family, I completely left everything else in my husband’s hands for 2 full days.
What does that mean? Well, it means that he made the kids’ lunches, took them and picked them up from school, helped them do and check their homework, fed them, did the dishes, got them ready for bath and bedtime, and let them stay up a few minutes late so that I could kiss them goodnight when I got home!
And what did I do? Did I call to check up on him to make sure he knew what to do? Or remind him that my son had to be picked up at 3:15 from kickball practice? Or in any other way, shape or form try to “help” him handle things?
Nope!
And this doesn’t mean I’m not “a good mother” or “a caring wife.” In fact, it makes me an even better wife!
Why?
Because I trust him.
And, I must admit that this wasn’t always true for me.
One of the most common questions I get from women is how they can “get” their husbands or boyfriends to help them more often. My answer? Let him know you need help and then let him help you!
Sound too simple to be true? Well, it is!
The truth is that many of us don’t ask for help when we need it. It makes us feel vulnerable, we don’t want to have to ask, and then, if he does offer to help, we want to tell him how to do it the “right way” (a.k.a. “my way”).
Why is it so hard to ask for help? Because you then have to admit that you can’t do it all. And, what’s worse, you can’t do it all perfectly.
There’s probably nothing more debilitating than feeling like you have to do everything yourself so that it will turn out just right.
That self-imposed standard of perfection will have you work yourself to the point of exhaustion, all in the effort to look good and avoid looking bad in the eyes of others. Whereas, if you were simply to admit that you need or would like help, you’d be done in less time and have a lot less stress to deal with!
The truth is that people don’t notice, talk about, or give us nearly as much attention as we think they do!
What can be even more challenging than asking for help is actually receiving it. Allowing someone else to step in and take on some of the load can be helpful, but it can also be stressful for a perfectionist and can lead to wanting to tell the person how something should be done “correctly.”
Last week, I shared about having gone to a conference for two days full days and how, in the past I would have felt guilty about doing something like that. Based on some of your responses, many of you relate to feeling guilty about putting yourselves first.
One of the things I didn’t mention is that, after having prepared all of the meals for my family, I completely left everything else in my husband’s hands for 2 full days.
What does that mean? Well, it means that he made the kids’ lunches, took them and picked them up from school, helped them do and check their homework, fed them, did the dishes, got them ready for bath and bedtime, and let them stay up a few minutes late so that I could kiss them goodnight when I got home!
And what did I do? Did I call to check up on him to make sure he knew what to do? Or remind him that my son had to be picked up at 3:15 from kickball practice? Or in any other way, shape or form try to “help” him handle things?
Nope!
And it’s not because I’m not “a good mother” or “a caring wife.” It’s simply because I trust him. And, I must admit that this wasn’t always true for me.
One of the most common questions I get from women is how they can “get” their husbands or boyfriends to help them more often. My answer? Let him know you need help and then let him help you!
Sound too simple to be true? Well, it is!
The truth is that many of us don’t ask for help when we need it. It makes us feel vulnerable, we don’t want to have to ask, and then, if he does offer to help, we want to tell him how to do it the “right way” (a.k.a. “my way”).
Why is it so hard to ask for help? Because you then have to admit that you can’t do it all. And, what’s worse, you can’t do it all perfectly.
There’s probably nothing more debilitating than feeling like you have to do everything yourself so that it will turn out just right.
That self-imposed standard of perfection will have you work yourself to the point of exhaustion, all in the effort to look good and avoid looking bad in the eyes of others. Whereas, if you were simply to admit that you need or would like help, you’d be done in less time and have a lot less stress to deal with!
The truth is that people don’t notice, talk about, or give us nearly as much attention as we think they do!
What can be even more challenging than asking for help is actually receiving it. Allowing someone else to step in and take on some of the load can be helpful, but it can also be stressful for a perfectionist and can lead to wanting to tell the person how something should be done “correctly.”
What happens, however, is that by stepping in, reminding, correcting, and telling the other person how to do what they’re doing can make them feel as if you don’t trust them and that you’re not grateful for the help. It’s also what often leads to men not volunteering to help. Who in the world wants to be told what to do and how to do it every step of the way?
So, what can you do to begin getting more help?
Ask for help. Simply acknowledge that you could use some assistance, and say “I need help.” You don’t have to back it up with all of the reasons, justifications, and complaints about why you need help. Just let him know you could use some help.
Tell him what you need help with, but don’t tell him how to do it. Let him know what it is you would like help with and then let it go – meaning, don’t offer any unsolicited advice, directions, or “helpful hints.” If he indicates that he’s got it, then he’s got it.
Trust him. Letting go is going to require that you trust him. Trust in his capabilities to do what he said he’d do. Trust that if he needs your help, he’ll ask for it, just like you did (but realize that he probably won’t). Not only does letting go communicate trust, but it also communicates respect.
Be thankful. Leaving a task, project, or errand in his hands brings with it the possibility that the end result may not look exactly like what you had imagined. Regardless of how the help is given, it’s important to appreciate his effort. Letting him know you’re thankful not only makes him feel good about having eased your load, but that “feel-good-feeling” is something he’ll probably want to experience again, which means you may be getting even more help in the future!
Letting go of having control over everything can be scary. But trust is an essential ingredient in creating intimacy in a relationship. So, if you want to experience true intimacy in your relationship…
Take a deep breath…
Remember you chose a great guy…
And…let…go…
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This is great advice Gladys and especially more so if you find someone whom you can actually, truly trust. And it’s not just about romantic relationships. I have become an expert at asking for help lately … in my role as caregiver. I’m not afraid to do it because I’m not superwoman. I can only do so much before sacrificing my own self care. Thanks for sharing.
I think it’s great that you are okay with and not afraid to ask for help, Maria! And, you’re right. You would have nothing to give if you were consistently sacrificing your self-care.
Thanks for commenting!