by Gladys Diaz
“If don’t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.”
“If we don’t go to counseling, it’s over.”
“If you really loved me, you would…”
Ultimatums.
They give the person extending them a false sense of power. Why is it a false sense of power? Well, think about it. When you tell someone what he needs to do or say in order for you to be happy and have what you want, are you really the one with the power?
No.
You’ve basically handed over the power to have what you want to another person. You’ve made your happiness contingent upon the other person’s choice.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a long time and, while it’s all nice, the relationship clearly not going anywhere. If you know that in order for you to be happy, you want to be in a committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage, then you are the one with a choice to make. Not him. Now, you can definitely let him know that you would like to be married, but you wouldn’t tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to want the same thing.
You’d simply say something like, “I’d really like to be married” – not “I’d really like to marry you” or “If you want to stay together, then I need to know that our relationship is leading to marriage.”
The last two statements make your choice hinge upon what he wants. Plus, if he did propose to you because you threatened to leave him, you’d never really know whether he would have chosen to ask you himself. Not because he was afraid of losing you, but because he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!
In saying, “I’d like to be married,” you are owning your choice and your happiness. The word “you” (meaning him) is not even in that statement, because this is your desire.
The same holds true if you’re in a relationship or marriage. Telling your boyfriend or husband what he needs to do in order for you to be happy is manipulative and inauthentic. It’s a way to separate yourself from your own desires so that you don’t have to be vulnerable and share what you want for yourself.
Saying “We need to go to counseling, or it’s over” rather than “I’d like to go to counseling” is more about instilling fear in the other person. It also sends the message that, unless the other person does something to “fix” or change himself, the relationship simply won’t work. This message of “you need to change or be ‘fixed’” is what has most men resist the idea in the first place. Who the heck wants to go sit in an office with a stranger for an hour and listen to all of the things they’re doing wrong?
Saying “We need to go to counseling” also keeps you from committing to make the changes you can make that would make a difference in the relationship, because you’re hinging your willingness to change on his.
So, rather than throwing around ultimatums and giving away your power, own you power.
Look within and ask yourself what it is that you want. What is it that would make you happy? What have you been settling for and not willing to stand for? Where have you been making another person responsible for your own happiness?
Once you’ve identified those things, then create a simple statement that expresses what you want. Begin it with “I want…,” and make sure the words “you,” “we,” and “us” are nowhere in your statement.
Simply own your desire and embrace the power you have to create what you want in your life and in love!
If you’re ready to own your power and begin working with me to transform your dating life or relationship, simply fill out the new message form that popped up on this page and let’s set up some time time to talk!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Yes, you are right — ultimatums do not work! I tried it with my boyfriend, and then kept extending and extending his “deadline” for proposing to me (how pathetic and desperate is that?). A year and a half later, despite his making promise after promise to me, there is still no ring on my finger … and I am still his girlfriend. So basically, neither of us kept our word. My question is, how do you get from “I really want to be married” to an actual proposal? Or should I just wise up and move on? By the way, my bf is 54 and has never been married! Thanks, Gladys — You are the best!!!
Hi, Sandy! Thanks for commenting and sharing your story. Basically, the only way to get from “I want to be married” to the proposal is if he wants it, too. Without knowing all of the details, there are probably reasons and excuses that your boyfriend has for not wanting to get married. However, one of them may be that the constant ultimatums and deadlines leave the matter of asking you to share your life with him feeling like an obligation — something he has to do, rather than something he can’t wait to do.
It’s also possible that he doesn’t want to be married. The question to ask yourself is, how much longer are you willing to wait? If being married is really what you want, and he doesn’t, you may be cheating yourself out of having a relationship with someone who is ready to commit his life to you.
I know it’s not easy. You love him and have spent all of this time with him. However, your options are to (1) wait a little longer without mentioning marriage at all to see whether or not he chooses to ask you to marry him of his own free will, or (2) let go of the relationship and open your heart to the possibility of loving someone else who can’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!
The choice is always yours.
Hi, Gladys,
Wow! Thanks so much for the personal and thoughtful response! I know I’m not the only woman out there in this predicament, and I really do appreciate your advice. I did back off the ultimatums a few months ago and have not mentioned marriage at all since then, but so far nothing has changed. And I actually told him on our very first date that I definitely wanted to get married again ( his never having been married before was a red flag for me, and I didn’t want to waste my/his time if he was a confirmed bachelor!) — and he said that he really wanted to as well, but just hadn’t met the right person yet — “until tonight.” Lol! Since that first date, he continually talks about our being married “eventually” as a foregone conclusion, and often refers to me as his “wife.” But so far, no proposal! Guess I just need to decide if I’m willing to forget about being married, and stay with him — or move on and hope to fall in love again with someone who really wants to be my husband!
Thank you again, Gladys! And btw, Your tele-summit was incredible!
You’re welcome, Sandy. I’m glad to hear that you backed off and haven’t mentioned marriage. This lets you know where he really stands. There is a way to have the conversation expressing your desire to be married without making an ultimatum and with both of you having your dignity in tact at the end of the conversation. The one thing I will recommend is that you not settle for anything other than what your heart truly desires. If you do, you’ll eventually come to regret it and resent him for a choice that was ultimately yours. You may want to consider setting up a time for us to talk before you decide to leave or stay.
And thank you so much for the compliment regarding the telesummit. Another one is in the works, so stay tuned! 🙂
Same circumstance here. I am in a long distance relationship. I am nearly 50 have been with my BF for nearly 5 years. He has never got married before but told me early on that he would not want to be a single again. He seems very mush into me but in my observation and experience with him, he has fears of losing control in sharing his life with someone. He had never admit love or commitment yet was depressed when we broke up (about 3 times). Him being alone for more than 37 years (since left home for oversea work at 19) means he is reluctant to change (and possible “inability” for change) if he still can get love and support from me. I am devoiced and will only settle with someone I absolutely feel worth spending the rest of my life with. I don’t want to be trapped again yet I feel trapped. He skype me every day for around 15 mins to half an hour everyday. But we have not spending time together physically for 9 months. I trust him as he trust me, but I don’t know whether I want to wait for his commitment. I am afraid of being in an unfulfilling relationship/marriage yet I wan to settle in a committed one. maybe I am still dreaming of “lasting” and fulfilling relationship I didn’t get in my marriage. I don’t know whether to settle or to move on not just for myself also thinking how he might perceive from the break up. Very confused.
Lisa, thanks for sharing your comments. I can hear how much you love your boyfriend, however, you are basing many of your decisions on him and how he may react. Of course he’s going to be sad after a break-up. It would be strange if after so many years together, he would not miss you and you him. However, until we experience the sting of loneliness, many of us will never change or make a choice.
I hear that you do not want to be stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. However, I invite you to ask yourself how fulfilling this relationship is for you. Is a 15-minute Skype chat what your heart desires? Is being in a long distance relationship for possibly another 5 years, rather than exploring the possibility of attracting someone into your life who also wants to share his life with someone something you are willing to do?
It’s important that you get clear about what you really want for yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to settle for less than that and for less than what you deserve. If you had to answer the question, “What do I really want?” What does your heart tell you?
Hi Gladys!
This is a completely different subject but still in the line of ultimatums. My boyfriend watched porn before we got together but we agreed he’d stop for us to be together, so he threw his cd’s away. 7 months later I fiund one of the “thrown away” cds out after I came home from visiting family in a different state. He broke it and promised not to do it again. But since then, I’ve found out he’s still watching it because it was on the history (and we only have a 18mo and one on the way, so no other adults in the house). He started deleting the history and promised once again he would not watch it because he wants us to stay together and he loves his family. Finally, today I found out he watched another one and deleted it (it had a time stamp on the computer) the other day when I went to get my haircut and our son was taking a nap.
So how do I let him know that I’m finished with his porn addiction? He needs to stop or we are gone. I love him and I know he loves us..but I can’t keep putting negative thoughts into my head when its not about me.
*Confused*
Hi, Amanda. I know how sensitive an issue this can be, so I thank you for being courageous and vulnerable enough to share. I began responding to your comment, and my response ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, so I decided to write a whole blog post about it. I get this type of question a lot, so I thought it would benefit other women as well. You can read the article here: http://heartsdesireintl.com/what-to-do-if-he-wont-stop-watching-porn/.
Thanks again for reaching out. If you’d like some additional support, please feel free to contact me and we’ll set up a time to talk.
~ Gladys