The other night something happened that caused me to really put my “work” to work. A virtual friend of several years reached out to me on my Facebook Wall about something she was going through, and I responded with some advice I thought would encourage her.
Unfortunately, something that I said must have been misinterpreted, and, what was originally a conversation between me and her on my Wall was taken public on Facebook, where she tagged me in a post that was about “losing friends” as a result of a choice she made. When I first saw my name on the post, I was confused, as our conversation had nothing to do with ending our friendship. In fact, I had told her that I loved her and how I had always seen her as a loving person.
Confused, I reiterated my love and support for her, only to have her son post a very crude and foul response questioning my sincerity, as well as calling my work as a relationship coach into question. I don’t know her son and had no idea where the anger was coming from. I chose to excuse myself from the thread, as this is not the type of conversation or interaction in which I choose to participate. In spite of this, I saw that there were still nasty things being said in my absence.
I reached out to my friend privately and suggested we speak so that we could clarify any misunderstandings, as I know that what is written can sometimes be misinterpreted. No response. I told her I had deleted the post that she had put on my Wall (in case something I had said had hurt or offended her) and waited to hear from her. Again, no response.
I did, however, get another nasty private message from her son. I explained that she and I had been having a private conversation that it was misinterpreted and taken public. And, again, apologized if I had said something to hurt his mom. No response.
I won’t pretend that I wasn’t angry. I was. And I was hurt, too. I’m human.
I tried to shake it off, reminding myself that what they were thinking and feeling probably had more to do with what my friend is going through than it had to do with me, and that the feelings I had expressed were authentic. Still, it hurt that someone would think that I was being anything but loving with them. And having my integrity called into question bothered me.
As a coach, I sometimes have to say things people don’t want to hear. I do it with no other intention than to share what I feel will make a difference for them. And I always remind my clients and friends that I am coming from a place of love and standing in my commitment to them and their happiness. While I may not agree with someone’s choices, disagreement does not equal judgment. I believe that we are each free to choose what we feel is the right choice for ourselves. So, while I may not agree with you, I will not judge you.
After about an hour of feeling bothered, I realized that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my own ego – wanting to be liked; not wanting to be questioned or seen in a negative light. So I began to let that go.
I spoke to my husband about what was going on, and, as I spoke, the hurt turned to anger. My husband, who has much thicker skin and is a lot less emotional than I am, told me to de-friend her and call it a day. I, on the other hand, wanted to mend the relationship, if possible. He got a bit frustrated and told me I had no need for negative people and people who clearly don’t know me enough to know that I always try to come from a space of love.
In the past, this conversation would have turned into an argument between him and me about how he was being judgmental and unreasonable and just trying to step in and “fix it,” rather than just letting me vent. However, I’ve learned to listen to the message behind his words – his “heart message” – and what I heard loud and clear was: “I love you and I don’t want anyone to hurt you.” In his way, he was standing up and defending me. And I love him for it.
As soon as I got how much my husband loved and wanted to defend me, a space of compassion opened up for me regarding my friend’s son! For whatever reason, something I said had been misinterpreted and my friend was hurt. Perhaps she felt I was judging her. I hope not, but she mentioned feeling that she had to explain her choice in her post. So, perhaps she shared her hurt feelings with her son, and, because he loves her, he felt the need to defend and protect her, too. As much as I disagree with the way he went about doing so, by bringing compassion to the situation and to him, I was able to let go of the “residue” of resentment that was growing in my heart and hear his heart message for his mom.
I don’t know whether my friend and I will ever speak again. I hope we do. I pray that she is able to get through this part of her journey surrounded by those who love her. I’ve apologized. There’s nothing more I can do, except send love and light her way.
No matter what happens, I am so thankful for this lesson learned, this work, the skills and principles we teach, and that I was able to use them both within and outside the relationship with my husband to let go of pain and resentment and bring peace and love back into my heart.
Because, in the end, peace and love are what this work – our work – is all about!
Questions? Comments? Please share them below. We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Susan von Struensee via photopin.com cc
Wow. Great story. And so inspiring. Thank you, Gladys. I am so glad that you and your husband are at a place in your relationship that you could trust his heart and lean into his heart message. And by so doing, you avoided the potential for this situation to thrust you into a downward spiral. You continued to focus on the overarching value that you hold–and that is “love.” You chose the high rode of love. Congrats!
(Corrected spelling from previous reply). Wow. Great story. And so inspiring. Thank you, Gladys. I am so glad that you and your husband are at a place in your relationship that you could trust his heart and lean into his heart message. And by so doing, you avoided the potential for this situation to thrust you into an emotional downward spiral. You continued to focus on the overarching value that you hold–and that is “love.” You chose the high road of love. Congrats!
Thank you, Teresa, for your kind and encouraging words! Love is absolutely my overarching value!
Thanks for sharing this, Gladys. It just goes to show that the “work” applies to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. I’ve also had differences and separations with friends in the past and I’ve come to accept that they were just in my life short-term and to focus on the positive lessons we learned from each other. But “breaking up” with a friend can be just as hard as a romantic separation. I so wish I had learned the surrendered principles in the past, because those “breakups” would have been much easier to deal with.
I also had one deeply close friend who was going through a tough time. She retreated for several years but came back into my life about a year ago and I could have chosen to be resentful, to question her motives. But I came at it from a space of love and forgiveness. Now we are in touch regularly and it’s as if no time passed, which is good! So hopefully the same will happen to you in this situation. Love and light to you. — M
Thank you, Maria! I hope that one day my friend and I will reconnect, too. She’s still hurt. I can’t change that. I’ve apologized and chosen to release the urge to try to change her mind or have her see that, while the words hurt her, that was not ever my intention. My door is open. I will receive her with open arms should she choose to walk back into my life. 🙂
“Bless, and delete.” -Mastin Kipp, thedailylove.com
Easier said than done, but you know all about things like that, and you find the courage to do them anyway. Love, Sheri
Thanks, Sheri! The Bless part is easy… It’s the “delete” part that is painful. But, in learning to let go, I’m finding peace, and I know in my heart that love was and continues to be the intention. Thanks for your encouraging words!
As I read your post I thought about some misunderstandings I have had with very close friends and what it did for me and for them. If everything is a mirror reflection of what is gong on inside of us and if what others think of you is none of your business – the only question is – did you heal something within you due to this situation (and it sounds like you did). Was it not a gift she brought to you then and the gift you brought to her is up to her whether she receives it or not. It truly has nothing to do with you. It does sound like her son is protecting his mom which I think is beautiful. It sounds like you handled the situation with grace, love and honesty and it came from your heart. Many blessings
You are so right, Diane! I will receive her gift! It’s not easy to acknowledge when we’ve said or done something that leaves another person not getting the love that was behind our words. So, the lesson I am taking from this is to really listen, to ensure that my words are communicating love, and to bring compassion to any situation where I am left feeling hurt and confused, since I may be reflecting the other person’s hurt and confusion! Thank you! This made a real difference for me!
Wonderfully written from-the-heart post. I always find it amazing how a life lesson such as this one can teach us so much if we open our hearts and listen. Thanks for sharing this Gladys. Your loving words touched me.
Thank you, Becci, and you’re welcome! I appreciate the encouragement and the life lesson it is still teaching me. Be blessed!
Thanks for sharing your story Gladys. We continue to have life lessons and I appreciate you sharing your story so we all can learn from it. This brought thoughts of times I have been in this situation and how much I wanted to “fix” it. You handled it perfectly! You learned from the lesson and I know she will too.
Thank you so much for your sharing and encouragement, Jean. As you said, these life lessons — although not always easy to learn — really do help us grow!