Hate is easy; love takes courage.
~ Unknown
The other day I read a very racially hateful post on Facebook. I don’t know the person very well (we’re just “cyber-friends”), but the post shocked me because it was so “out of character” with the other posts I see the person write about her family and friends.
Immediately, I found myself wrapped in a blanket of judgment, coupled with anger, and the desire to tell her how “wrong” she is for thinking that way. However, when you have made a commitment to live a life where every breath communicates love, you need to check yourself before saying or doing something that goes against that. So, I decided to sit with the feelings and reflect on where in my life I am also judgmental, where I say or do things that hurt others and where I don’t always lead with love, since I’ve learned that, when something upsets me about someone else, there is usually something about myself that I don’t like or accept that is being reflected back to me.
It’s taken me a couple of days – there was a lot more there (inside me) than I thought there would be. But I’m in a space now where I can communicate with her free of judgment and just tell her about how reading the comments made me feel without “lecturing” or putting her down… Simply coming from a commitment that every human being on the planet knows what it is to experience loving and accepting and being loved and accepted.
So, how does this relate to romantic relationships? How many times, in our relationships, does the other person do or say something with which we don’t agree, and what’s there – almost immediately – is a surge of anger and the feeling that we need to tell or show him/her how “wrong” he/she is? How many times, after a heartbreak betrayal, are we immediately filled with hate for the other person, and then we lash out, making sure he/she feels just as much, if not more, pain that we do?
If we look beneath the anger and hate – both real feelings – we may find that the underlying emotion is pain. And, if we can deal with the pain, get to the root of it, and maybe even find the courage to bring some compassion to it (both for ourselves and the other person), then it’s quite possible that we can speak to the other person from a place of love, rather than one of anger and hate. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fun. But, if living a life of love is important to us, it’s just something to consider.
What do you do to bring yourself to a place of peace when you are angered, disappointed or upset?
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I agree it’s much easier to attack back. I think many times the underlying emotion though is fear.
I think you’re right, Jean. Fear creates an impulse in us that has us want to protect/defend ourselves. Thanks for sharing that!
What do I do? Depending on the level of upset, I will often write to get at my deeper feelings or beliefs, or do something creative, or take a walk in nature then come back to it more balanced. I do try to be more conscious of my reactions. Thanks for the great insight.
I like those ideas and how intentional you are about being reflective, Louise! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
It was hard for me to accept that what I was judging was something that needed to be healed within me for a long time but then I got to the point where I actually started embracing it as a blessing that allowed me to get it and move past it by being conscious of it. I now look forward to those occurrences and seeing it as an interesting point of view that I have the point of view of judging the other person.
msdiane, I love the idea of looking at what needs to be healed in me as a blessing! Too many times we resist seeing what’s there, stopping us from freely giving & receiving love. But until we can see it, embrace it, and bring compassion to it, we can’t get it out of the way & transform it! Thank you so much for sharing!
I get married in 9 days. Thanks for the advice!
Congratulations, Robert! 🙂